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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
Archives
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Starting over

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 02, 2015 10:22 pm

How do you start over based on a memory!

How do you start over based on a memory of yourself!

Im finally understanding that the people that hurt me when young were always ###$ up!

I used to get mad at a brother; did I forget he is a drunk sociopath! Did I forget this! He is know one! He's always been a drunk harmless sociopath! If he stole from me or hurt me; there was never really a person behind it! He has not been himself since childhood! He was destroyed and become a ghoul! He does not really have a very powerful life! He still lives with or off his psychopathic mother! Everything is built around this psychopath! My other brother is close to being like this!

The psychopathic mother only has these people around to take care of her because she is old! she has said so! she only associates with these 2 sons because she wants to be taken care of in old age! She has mentioned moving away and having others take care of her! she cares not for their feelings for her as sons because she is a sadistic psychopath!

I know what she is; that is why Im not anywhere near her or these people!

I used to get mad; they stole my inheritance! Now I know better! I never had any inheritance; not from a psychopath! If I want something, I will have to get it from God!

I never had a family! the people I was forced to grow up with were Godless strangers! and it is no wonder they never understood me or cared about me! they never cared about anything; they have lived loveless lives! no love, no humanity! nothing! therefore, if they never see me again; they dont care and feel nothing! its not personal! They were never human in the first place!

So, where does that leave me! that was the big problem! trying to start over with nothing and completely overwhelmed!

At some point my sanity returns! Then what!

One big issue! Ive been fighting all my life to survive mentally and not die from suicide! I never learned how to manage a life! I have the skills and fear and sensitivity of a 5 year old!

Picasso says; find you're calling in life, and give it back to the world! I don't know how to manage my calling; its dead in the water!

I have to talk to God, work with God to learn how to let go, and let him do his work!

The people of the past will not be coming back! I can start my life again! Be me again! That will be hard!

Ive shut down!

When it comes to women; I can ask them out; they say yes! But then what! Im dead in the water! I have no life; Im shut down!

They come home to a torn up apartment with a guy of an unmanageable life! I cant take care of the girls! I cant keep buying them things; I have no money!

Im shut down! I can ask them out! But then what?
==============================================================

I have dissociative disorder! Im slowly learning how to interact with people again! I have a relationship with God! Strong relationship! Could be or needs to be allot stronger!

I need never be alone! I go to allot of 12 step meetings!

Ive worked through allot of the pasts problems! Most of the problem was the mistake of thinking the people I was associating with as a child were good people! They were not; most where upper middle class opportunists with no loyalty to other people or friendship!

For a short time I lived in a neighborhood with some upper class people! I become friends with their children! I thought their children were my friends! They were not; they never needed to be! I did not know this! I invested allot more of myself then they did in these friendship! When I got hurt and went back to these people; they slammed their doors in my face and claimed I was the problem! I was just a child! They will burn in hell for what they did! Their will be no escape from God!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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