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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Starting from the beginning

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm

Im starting from the beginning; I feel like; it looks like a hobo that got off the train in the 1920's when the stock market crashed. Those hoboes that lost all their money; they had to get on trains and travel; they would end up places; get off the train and rake leaves and make some money; some killed themselves when they lost all their money.
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Im like these hoboes; I think Im pretentious and rich and yet, when I open my eyes; the reality is; Im on the hobo train traveling away from everything and my past into a world of raking leaves; cant say it any better.
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I want a life where things are looking up; and Im seeing that most of this is in my head; what Im seeing; unfortunately, I had my life stripped away from me; and no longer cared about anything; Im trying to get rid of that programming and come back to life.
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ITs in my head and thinking. In my mind; I want to see my future; what I want; I want to believe it and not sacrifice it with PTSD.
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My thinking is attached. ITs attached all the time; what do I want; I must be able to define this; the problem is; I get hit by the critical voice and I feel pain; lots of fear associated with CPTSD. And that imbalances my chances of carrying anything through. I get triggered with " what ifs"; I don't want to be hurt anymore.
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The gaol is " now"; what can my mind come up with that I want to do right now to start down the pathway; what is the path way; what are the first steps.
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I have such fear consume my mind when I think about something I might like to do; I get massive flashbacks in every area of a past life where I was destroyed. When I attempt to go beyond the flashbacks; I start going into a free fall. My mind goes into its disability mode; Im mentally weak; cant deal with any reality; nothing.
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What do I need; a need a kind of bootcamp to strengthen me; the problem is; Im not ready for bootcamp and Im not ready for pre bootcamp; Im really scared of anything or everything. I'm scared of pre pre pre bootcamp; Im scared to come out from under the rock of bootcamp; all of it.
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Im scared of everything; no self worth or self esteem; I don't see myself as someone worthy to do anything; anything at all; its the fear and contempt associated with my past; and Im trying to come to grips with accepting the fear and feeling it and bing present and facing it. Facing myself or who I am; not from a stand point of some privilege of the past; that fake privilege never worked.
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I want to feel safe and taken care of.
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So; I have to start over and I have to start; and thats what Im working on. When I think about starting; I go to the past and I see myself as a 5 or 8 year old and dont know what to do or to start with; and a ridicule comes over me; a critical voice wanting to destroy that child; kill that innocent 8 or 5 year old; telling me its all his fault and he should die; and that is my mothers voice; and it has to change and Ive got lots of work to changing it.
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I see myself as a teenager and I see that voice attacking me; its my fathers voice or a teachers voice saying I'm no good and I should be beaten to death; and that is in me; its me devouring me; destroying me with pride and arrogance that I may get a pat on the back from my abusers for doing the world a good dead and getting rid of me. So; I have a lot of voices in me crowding me out of my life; Ive got a lot of work to do.
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When I think of being a pianist I get hit with all kinds of hate voices about being a sisy and worse; I wont fit in; it will be dangerous because I wont be manly. I get all kinds of voices that attack me relentlessly if I attempt to be who I am; I get hit with horrible visualizes of abandonment and low class discussing associations when dealing with these voices; these voices tell me Im a loser and put pictures in my head of bad streets with bad places; scum places like skid row. So; I dont know what to do or where Im suppose to go or who Im suppose to be; its all frustrating.
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So; what am I really suppose to be doing; either way; I get hit with bad voices and I want to do something about this.
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So; I would like to get started down a pathway; the first thing I have to do is find out what the pathway is; where its suppose to end up; thats the work; find a pathway with a happy ending; something good. Im getting hit with massive flashbacks right now; Im seeing my Grandparents house; I'm in the bed room; the is where I was molested and Im seeing the ranch where my fathers relatives lived where I was not wanted; but I was forced out their and thinking I was loved out their when in reality I was not wanted out their and Im going to be made a fool of; Im going to be treated like a second class citizen and thrown away from that place as well.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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