Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1247)
- July 2021
9 hours; back on FB groups again...
   Fri Jul 30, 2021 12:07 am
Slow process of coming back; if possible
   Wed Jul 28, 2021 8:50 pm
Women cars and money
   Wed Jul 28, 2021 3:47 pm
4 days to go; back on Facebook
   Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:58 am
Im back
   Sun Jul 25, 2021 7:04 pm
Next blog
   Sun Jul 25, 2021 12:44 am
What car to buy
   Sat Jul 24, 2021 4:56 pm
Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
   Fri Jul 23, 2021 10:14 pm
moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
   Mon Jul 05, 2021 3:38 am
The hard work of things.
   Fri Jul 02, 2021 4:56 am

+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

starting again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:56 am

Im heading into my next level!

Im still very sick from dissociative disorder and PTSD stuff.

A whole world exists in my nervous system and alters. Yet, these alters are angry and waiting for me to do something. I think they are waiting for revenge! There will be no revenge, so I must get my anger out another way! Step work and writing... and other stuff.

The alters are waiting for integration. And Ive had some integration. Im looking to relieve some overloaded past experiences so integration can take place.

Pressure is mounting to integrate. So, I must work on the time zones of being dismissed from life; watching my life and dreams slip away into poverty and nothingness.

I watched a video of a serial killer who went through the same thing! He had a time of peace. people loved him, then they left the country and he was thrown to the streets once more. He was a child! he never developed again. He was robbed and raped, and destroyed physically from then on! and later started killing! He became an animal.

And I became an animal! But my death was near! and yet Im here now! and Im about to go back and start the process of looking at these times of mental and personal death and despair!

ITs still lonely, Im a bit stronger. Im starting to wash clothing all the time, and keep my place uncluttered, not perfectly clean!

Ive been alone! still, no one has cared about me or my life. Ive attracted Do-gooders! Shallow people looking to make opportunity on me by thinking they are superior and Im an inferior animal dumb-ass! I have allowed this and prospered much from their help. I am grateful, However, they never had the character to understand why they were helping me! they thought they owned me. They believe they were helping themselves to feel like Gods. I was the little people. Now Im tiring of these sorts... I will get stronger and slowly let them go as my identity gets stronger!

My original memories and identity are starting to form again! Or, something is forming again to bring the past me into the present me! I think its integration!

Some how; and Im not sure how or why I believe this; I believe my father who died, is in heaven with God talking to God, and God is making him love me! and God is making him help me! or see me for who I really was. Im not sure why, I just am aware of such spiritual things that my father sees my struggle and wants to help! and this is all God! working in my favor.

God is all I really have. I must continue with him and get better!

The people Im around never see my real worth , and this continues to be a plus in my recovery work. I am never really known by anyone! I can act anyway I want! people have never really understood me! this keeps me safe! and this is the perfection of God!

And it continues. And I realize, my continuance is without the original family system. I continue and rejoin; to what Im not sure. However, Im like a foster child! I end up getting my needs met by the community, then, start over and create my own family! and move forward with my life! Its all to much for me! It is something I never expected. I felt so safe as a child! I simply had no idea who I was living with.

The wife of the Green River Killer from Seattle said it best! When she realized he had been lying! and came clean about all he had done! She could not believe the same guy lived under her roof. This quit guy; Gary Ridgway, turned out to be someone other then who she married. There was no real Gary Ridgway, it was all a fake personality; he was mimicking. He was actually a sadist murderer pretending a false persona! and his wife never detected it. She said she was shocked and scared to death; what if this guy had hurt her children! She was not able to ever see Gary Ridgway for who he really was; he concealed it well!

The King County police Department said the same thing about Ridgway! He lied well enough to pass a lie detector! They could not see the inner person! He concealed it well until he finally confessed to the murders.

The family system I was forced to be with as a child concealed everything airtight. I had no idea they would brake apart! I had no idea who they really were. I had no idea I would be orphaned for ever!

I had no idea the neighborhood I came from would shut their doors in my face as if I never met them. They tried to make me into a bad person because I was being abused; when I went to them for help, they shut there doors in my face for ever! I would never be allowed back in! or remembered ever again! and no one would care. I was swept under the floor mat and forgotten as if I had never been remembered or born! including any distant members of the family system or my best friend and his family. In the end, I had no friends! and no family system. I was alone!

Now I know why people treated me the way they did; they were murderers! a from of it! just as Ridgways wife learned he was a murderer. Life is not what it seems at times. Its a very tricky place! Its a horrible place! nothing is as it seems; not for some of us!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 5567 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, JANAmbro, Kaleb28, Majestic-12 [Bot], Sadraazimi, Snaga