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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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starting again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:56 am

Im heading into my next level!

Im still very sick from dissociative disorder and PTSD stuff.

A whole world exists in my nervous system and alters. Yet, these alters are angry and waiting for me to do something. I think they are waiting for revenge! There will be no revenge, so I must get my anger out another way! Step work and writing... and other stuff.

The alters are waiting for integration. And Ive had some integration. Im looking to relieve some overloaded past experiences so integration can take place.

Pressure is mounting to integrate. So, I must work on the time zones of being dismissed from life; watching my life and dreams slip away into poverty and nothingness.

I watched a video of a serial killer who went through the same thing! He had a time of peace. people loved him, then they left the country and he was thrown to the streets once more. He was a child! he never developed again. He was robbed and raped, and destroyed physically from then on! and later started killing! He became an animal.

And I became an animal! But my death was near! and yet Im here now! and Im about to go back and start the process of looking at these times of mental and personal death and despair!

ITs still lonely, Im a bit stronger. Im starting to wash clothing all the time, and keep my place uncluttered, not perfectly clean!

Ive been alone! still, no one has cared about me or my life. Ive attracted Do-gooders! Shallow people looking to make opportunity on me by thinking they are superior and Im an inferior animal dumb-ass! I have allowed this and prospered much from their help. I am grateful, However, they never had the character to understand why they were helping me! they thought they owned me. They believe they were helping themselves to feel like Gods. I was the little people. Now Im tiring of these sorts... I will get stronger and slowly let them go as my identity gets stronger!

My original memories and identity are starting to form again! Or, something is forming again to bring the past me into the present me! I think its integration!

Some how; and Im not sure how or why I believe this; I believe my father who died, is in heaven with God talking to God, and God is making him love me! and God is making him help me! or see me for who I really was. Im not sure why, I just am aware of such spiritual things that my father sees my struggle and wants to help! and this is all God! working in my favor.

God is all I really have. I must continue with him and get better!

The people Im around never see my real worth , and this continues to be a plus in my recovery work. I am never really known by anyone! I can act anyway I want! people have never really understood me! this keeps me safe! and this is the perfection of God!

And it continues. And I realize, my continuance is without the original family system. I continue and rejoin; to what Im not sure. However, Im like a foster child! I end up getting my needs met by the community, then, start over and create my own family! and move forward with my life! Its all to much for me! It is something I never expected. I felt so safe as a child! I simply had no idea who I was living with.

The wife of the Green River Killer from Seattle said it best! When she realized he had been lying! and came clean about all he had done! She could not believe the same guy lived under her roof. This quit guy; Gary Ridgway, turned out to be someone other then who she married. There was no real Gary Ridgway, it was all a fake personality; he was mimicking. He was actually a sadist murderer pretending a false persona! and his wife never detected it. She said she was shocked and scared to death; what if this guy had hurt her children! She was not able to ever see Gary Ridgway for who he really was; he concealed it well!

The King County police Department said the same thing about Ridgway! He lied well enough to pass a lie detector! They could not see the inner person! He concealed it well until he finally confessed to the murders.

The family system I was forced to be with as a child concealed everything airtight. I had no idea they would brake apart! I had no idea who they really were. I had no idea I would be orphaned for ever!

I had no idea the neighborhood I came from would shut their doors in my face as if I never met them. They tried to make me into a bad person because I was being abused; when I went to them for help, they shut there doors in my face for ever! I would never be allowed back in! or remembered ever again! and no one would care. I was swept under the floor mat and forgotten as if I had never been remembered or born! including any distant members of the family system or my best friend and his family. In the end, I had no friends! and no family system. I was alone!

Now I know why people treated me the way they did; they were murderers! a from of it! just as Ridgways wife learned he was a murderer. Life is not what it seems at times. Its a very tricky place! Its a horrible place! nothing is as it seems; not for some of us!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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