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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Split into

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:48 am

Im at a cross roads! Things are not perfect! Im learning how to make and believe in magic again!~ Im learning how to trust the universe! I know that I have to create it in my head first for it to happen! I know the universe takes what I want and attracts it to me! I must have a cleared nervous system so I can create something at a high vibration level; this is a problem! Im interested in creating magic! magic for my life, and its happening! their are many things I want changes! and a better life with better people around me! right now; as usual, Im around program people\recovery people; They really know very little if nothing about me personally! Certainly people talk in those places and create lies about you behind your back; some do this to gain status over others! My point is; its sustaining my recovery process but not my life! I want my independence! I feel like an 8 year old! Their is 2 big a gap between where I am at and where I want to be! but that may be the starting point Im looking for!
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Im interested in an Asian-soulmate as wife! Im slowly looking for her; waiting for her! Is this what I want! what do I want! I guess it is; I have to believe! I have to write more stories of what I want; what I really want and believe in a positive way!
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Ive been a martyr negative victim for a long long long time; Im trying to break this! break through it! Im attempting to let go of being a victim and go after what I want and deserve! Im not in the right environment for that! meaning, I need to be around knew people!
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Im split into! Im right down the spiritual middle! Hope is a good thing! Im getting more of it and feeling attached again! Im feeling feelings of attachment; I have to keep working on it; attachment brings up a lost life of the past and I have to relive it and remember how I was un attached on purpose! Nothing was what it seemed when I was young! Including the scum I was associating with from every angle! Even the friends I thought I had were no friends; it was all a lie! all of it! This truly horrifies me completely; I was just used!
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Their was no one to talk to when young concerning what was happening to me! I was waking up into a situation where I was being used by everything! it was all fake! all of it! lies! and liars! all of it! I was being exploited! Now looking back; these filth were doing this to a 8 year old! What kind of filth is being created in this society!
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I had some feeling of attachment or connection to self when young; unfortunately, I was given all kinds of time alone! Looking back, I was in a dream world from the beginning! I did not realize I was alone with the group of people I was brought up by! I did not know! I later found out the hard way! So, when alone, I created my own world and felt safe; I told myself; when I grew up, I would go off and do what ever I wanted to! I wanted to be like the characters in movies! of course I did! I wanted to escape where I was at! I wanted to escape from the liars I was brought up by!
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Im now starting to regain an attachment because of the recovery work Im working on! its with God! Im getting reattached to God! I felt connected to God when small child! I didnt realize where I was at; meaning the kind of people I was living with or the reality of the neighborhood I was around!
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I assumed I would study hard and become something! I was not born for that! I was thrown away; thats all that happened! I was an exposable child than became extremely suicidal! I really have a hard time with filth that hurts children or destroys them in this cowardly way! these filth were in their 40's and 50's when they did this1 They knew exactly what they were doing! it just bugs me the could exploit small children like this! makes me mad!
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The point is; the reconnection ability is happening with God! Im letting go of the past and putting it on God and the faith in God now to build my new dreams! So, my mind used to focus on the past! now its focusing on a relationship with God in the present for the purposes of attracting the things I want in life for my future! Im focusing on the things I want!
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Social is a big problem for me! This will have to be something I work with God on!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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