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Split between 2 worlds!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 28, 2014 12:48 am

I saw a picture of Einstein! and I saw myself in that; intellectual interests, introvert! and then theres the person that has been ###$ with! and its a waring personality! Im like a Syrian Freedom Fighter! and will never stop or never quit!

I was damaged very young and my young life was over! everything was rapped up and moved out! the house owners, when they were finished having fun, simply, packed everything up and moved out!

You can either talk to girls or you can't! its that simple! All those years in school, and everything was backwards and reversed into anti socialism! I had no foundation, no family, no house! nothing!

I had no real parents! if pisses me of! they were sociopaths; sycophants! I should never have been exposed to this trash; ever!

Theres allot of things for me to go to war over! Most of the stupid concepts this society shoves down your throat! Honer your mother n father! If you have nice parents! if your in the house of sadistic sociopaths! you will run to survive! you wont survive! they only take hostages! if you are not going to fulfill a role for them, they get rid of you; and that is that!

Im trying to get over my parents! thats what this is about! thats all its ever been about! seeing those people or things for what they were, accepting that I had no parents, never had any!

Im attempting to deal with that moment that I was crucified! and had no place left to go! I could not grow anymore

Im attempting to express my feelings, until I can get back to that point I was destroyed and take management of it! Get through the hardness and start over! Im looking to become the parents I never had, and take care, and grab the child that is in me and bring him forward into now, that I can live a decent life as I dreamed about!

I had plans as a child, but I had them scared out of me! life, and to live was scared out of me! Im attempting to get that period fixed, get it back, look at the fear, and the broken heartedness, the torture of it all, the humiliation, demoralization! All of it!

I was humiliated by bullies, then I attempted to become a bully! and that didn't work, I was a pencil neck bully! or no bully actually, just one in my head! I had no place to run, no where to express anything! I was shoved down my throat! I was given away or gotten rid of! These people I came from just wanted little kids to play with for their fantasy fun life! When I and my brothers started getting older, they split the seen! and the other got rid of us! they were not going to get stuck with us! and they had no remorse about the whole thing! it was all a game to them, or for them! Nothing more!

I was not prepared for this! I was a human being!

I had a friend and his family were friends of mine! when they found out I was being destroyed, they closed there doors on me and acted like they had never seen me before! then they tried to make me out to be a bad person, as if I was a criminal or something! It was shocking and strange! they had been my friends all my life up to that point, then they turned on me! I had no ideas! I had no idea what to do!

Im not a murderer; Im not going to be part of this society! I hate the place and the false lies it creates! its despicable and against God!

I have no life! when it comes time to have a life, its like everything drops, my worth and freedom to move forward, Im taken over by fear and become helpless! learned helplessness! institutionalized!

Im not doing all this recovery work to become a cell block sociopath!

Im looking to start over and start the flow again!

Problem; I feel like Im turning into the bullies that made me sick in high school! I had no protection, and they are examples of the lack of protection I had when I was very young!~ and every time I think of the bullies, I think that no one cared about my life or my future! no one thought about me at all! nothing!
IT tells me my father was not around to protect me! I was destroyed and no one cared!

I went to live with my best friend in high school, and they did not care about me! I meant nothing to them! they tried to turn me into a no good leach or wanderer! They tried to make me out to be the worst in society! They were the worst! they were middle class murder's that had the gaul to listen to Christian tapes all day long while they spit in the faces of Gods creation! ######6, horrifying!

Why didn't I know this about any of these people! I was around scum bag satanic trash guising themselves as God loving successful people in the community! These people treated me like I was nothing! its beyond my comprehension; all of it! I do not know where these people came from! or who they thought they were! its still horrible to deal with! They were the equivalent of murderers.

I never saw what any of these people were like! I was protect by my father! so I did not have to worry! but he was not real! He was one of them! and I did not know it! I had no where to go, no where to hide! I could not hide from them, I depended on them! and that truly makes me sick to my stomach!

I had to kiss up to them, and people please them! I had to people please these non human murder'r monsters, or I couldn't survive! and finally I was so destroyed I could not survive on my own! my psych condition was so bad, I could not function anymore!

I have a learned helplessness! and it has to be worked through!@ All stems from ages 0 to 10!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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