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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Dec 30, 2013 4:19 pm

Every few months I get better. My personality gets more aware, and engulfs a larger amount of awareness real-estate. Im much better at talking with people. Im much more reactive. I still have a long way to go. Im still depending on the wrong people to service my loneliness; most have PD in some form. Im still at meetings, and will be for sometime. However, other institutions Ive used are loosing there grip. Church is a joke. A horrible Joke/; its done its job. Im assuming this church institution worked in the past. Its not working today! Not all churches are bad. I must look around. Im hated at the church Im at.

These people do not understand that Im hear in this area for general recovery purposes. And they could careless, they only think about themselves and won't others to worship them. And they would like me out!

The people can be stupidly judgmental!

I would like to grow into my own form of independence! And this is happening! Its different, and I have no family support or personal friendships of real worth I can count on. Most that I know are superficial stuff from meetings..

Im lucky that changes are being made. Im lucky to grow again. Im growing in other directions then I thought important.

I am stuck at the meetings... What that means, My mind is broken! Its broke. I tried to talk about it at a meeting, and its broke. And Im 2 people at 2 different places. And I can't get close to people. I can and I can't. Its hard.... and when I let the real me out at a meeting, I was 2 people. One was the PTSD person at a different time. Im 2 different people at the same time, and Im at 2 different places and time zones at the same time! And I still dissociate at random... and it knocks me out!

The last time I was in school, My mind melted!

The meetings are not the right place! Im starting to go over the edge at the wrong meetings.. Its time to find better places to talk about what I need to talk about and work on it. I will trust God.

Bulling:

I was bullied relentlessly until I was no more. I was bullied in every direction. I was submissive and gave in. I was scared to death. I did not know what to do! I had not place to run, no place to hide. It was everywhere, from every corner. This will take much work to explore.

I was subjected to it! I was exposed to the wrong people. And at times I still go through this. I still get scared and freeze up! So, Im still this way, nothing has changed. Im attempting to work through this...
I see freeze up and let people bully me and take advantage of me! I guess this is from early early childhood; the base or structure or decease of allowing bulling.


The sad part; no parents.. the realization that there are no parents or guardians. And they left when I was 9. I guess it wasn't personal. They would have left anyone!

I never felt anger, I felt hostility and fear. Its was more terror then anything else. I was numb and fright. Scared to death! I realized no one was their to help. I was all alone.

My big power strategy was; Im loved and cared for, therefore, I can do anything. Im protected and loved. I can get involved with anything knowing that I was loved. When the love stopped,. I stopped.

I new if I fought back I was going into the system like the rest of them. I would become a human rat in a jail cell like the rest of them. I was worth more then that.

If I fought back, I would have killed, I would have ended up in prison for the rest of my life like the rest of them. I had no choice. I had to hold back.

My schooling was destroyed. I was in shock and horror and scared and fear. No one cared. I was alone and realized I would be for ever. No one was going to return. and no one cared if they ever saw me again. And nothing has changed to this day!

Im still bullied at times. So, Im still in this victim state; Im attempting to look at this, to possibly work through it!

I was being groomed and pushed into the area of the state penitentiary. And I was aware that someone was doing this to me! And that would have been my mother. She was a sadistic sociopath. And many more things she would attempt to groom me for, including being raped by her father! and that lasted 2 years. And I do not remember things; and that scares me. And I do remember things, and that scares me!

At church I am bullied. or, its starting or Im done with it and moving on. Yet, Im never ready to move on. Im scared and want the security. Im like a battered roommate who's in denial.

I tried having friends, they all turned on me and started bulling me! So, everything is about strength and weakness.

I look for bullies to confront. I never win, Im never able to stand up myself up out of fear. Im to scared.

Do I end up growing up and working for the drug cartel; taking it over, killing people and dumping them in fields! Is that what I want when I grow up, ending up in prison for the rest of my life. Is that what I want when I grow up.

I have this motivation to fight back! But Im to intelligent to be so open about it! I wanted to go home, but my home was taken from me. It was taken by a sadistic sociopath. Therefore, it won't be coming back. And I do not know how to get it back.

I was to young to deal with the overwhelming problems of my youth and childhood. It was an injustice to go through this! it was murder. I was not the first!; those people like myself did not have a voice.

Having a voice:
Who would I have a voice for! whats the point. Who would listen. More importantly, who was left on earth to listen. The people I would be screaming to are the ones who killed me and others. Theres no one worth telling the stories.

Now,. I deal with many people who have a watered down conscious. These people do not care who I am! They care how they look! I mean nothing to them. They are stars looking for stardom. Popularity is there God. Im not there God. They won't worship me! they want to worship the world.
I want them to see me! I want them to worship me there one true God! But it won't happen! There not smart enough to be my followers.

I guess I don't need followers. Im not sure what I want or need. If I want or need followers, then Im the sociopath with contempt.

Contempt;

Contempt is the worst of animals; especially when hardened! its like concrete; its hard to dig out! Yet, Im trying to dig it out. Its a combination of fear and humiliation and hatred and disgust and sorrow and abuse and many other things mixed together into a soup. This evil hardens into a concrete monster! It will not let me go! When I have contempt, there is no room for you and I to be friends. Im eaten alive with hate. Its very hard to get rid of. However, Im working on it!

Contempt fills up the space reserved for relationships. When I attempt to love or care about someone, the space needed for that love is taken or stolen by contempt! it sits in the seat of happiness and ruins everything.

Much dissociation problems reside in the area of contempt. Meaning, they are intermixed.

And it continues, the need to find out who I am!

--------------
Goals;
Practice room. Nothing has been more important that a place to practice creative escape. I do not feel conferrable when I know others can see me or hear me! I need practice! I need to believe!

Its horrible and demoralizing to have to look for a place to practice. It seems beneath me! yet, stuff like this must be done. I suppose its the dirty work of the situation. I would rather have someone else do this.
I have little money. and I will continually prey about all of this. Im not sure what direction God is taking me! I have to let go of control, and stop being corrupt and lazy!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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