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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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i have alot more to talk about
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Dissociative people write blogs
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Somewhere in the middle #2

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:56 pm

Somewhere in the middle; this is a good name for it!

Im stronger then before! but Im still in the past! slowly working my way out of it! How is it possible! I know the past was a lie! all of it! Im missing nothing! Im attempting to get the little child in me to see the truth and come forward! Every move that child made and every memory he trusted was the subjected manipulation of psychopaths/sociopaths!; all of it! nothing was sacred! I was being used the whole time! Nothing was real! everything was contrived! and I was being exploited and didnt know it! I had no idea of the completeness of the horror involved!

Im in the middle because Im like a refugee that has made it to land! Part of me is safe! part of me is still on the boat! Im at the landing dock; waiting for my papers to arrive with my final destination invoked! Im waiting! its like the immigrants from 1900's in New York! They are being processed in from other countries! They have to wait to get their boarding passes or walking papers to enter the country!

Im in an imaginary waiting place; Im waiting for the child in me to be able to process what happened to him; let go of his mother and father and everything else associated with the past and move on!

My mother and father were a lie! How horrible! How deplorable! How sad! sobering horror! Field of nightmares! Field of blunt trauma to the mind! no escape; ever!

Im somewhere in the middle! My goal is to remember things and write about them and let them go! let the pain out! The goal is for the real me to return to me! part of me is in another place because of PTSD! Normally, you would have a family help you process human information; your feelings! I did not get such a chance; I had everything stuffed down my throat! it was not this way for the first 4 years! it all changed when my father left! but he planned to leave by the time I was 7 years old! He finally got the guts to go through with it when I was 9!

I had a whole life developing! I had no idea, it has nothing to do with him! I thought it had everything to do with this family system! in reality, Im slowly coming back to a decent feeling of life! and Im doing it without these past people! How is it that Im able to process this vast amount of trauma and come back to life; 12 step groups and therapists! and lots of writing!

Im slowly coming back down to ground zero! The starting place of man kind; this means, Im coming back to the starting line; this is a very good thing! it means I have no past and Im starting over!

You feel secure; when before you weren't feeling secure!

And its strange to use the word secure! it scares me; Im not at that place yet! I want to hide when I see that word! I want to hide in a nice bungalow with a warm fire in the woods by a ski resort!

The idea here; to feel like I did when I was 6 or 7 years old; like Im in charge of my life! and I have my whole life ahead of me! to feel safe and know that Im loved and secure!

Ive done allot of work to get back to feeling this way! Im on my way with this! I'm not back; I'm slowly working toward it! working toward it; thats the word for it! something is missing!

Im not back; something is missing! a piece to the pie, the puzzle; something is missing! Something that brings my dreams to reality and not dissociating back within my mind or brain!

One problem; in the past; Im about 11, 12, 13; Im forced to live with my Grandparents! my house is gone, my mother and father are gone! I have no more family, or neighborhood! Nothing! my schooling has been destroyed! Ive been destroyed! no one cares about me or what happens to me! I dissociated! thats all I could do! And get worse over time! No one cares; and no one knows Im alive or cares! no one ever asks me a question concerning my situation!

Im slowly attempting to work through the past of these times; this is a time of being molested and raped! and bullied to death in school! my mind is completely destroyed! I do not remember anything about 6th or 7th or 8th grade! the whole thing is a horrible horrible blur! In fact, I can see; these will be years I have to work through and process!

There is a whole part of my past that is not their yet! its a part of the past that I loved! I would walk outside and look around at the trees and things; knowing in my small town, I was loved and taken care of! I loved my life and my future! I never knew the truth! That I was living with monsters! I was 2 young and in a fantasy bond to know such things!

My view of my parents came from TV and the neighborhood I lived in! I assumed that if I was in this neighborhood, all parents in this neighborhood were the same! we were all the same! Not true! The people I came from did not resemble God or the movies or TV show moms and dads; and they did not resemble my friends moms and dads! but they tried to act the part! So; when it was time for me to be thrown away; they showed their true colors! they were both

So; I have allot of dissociation to work through!

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I dont like where Im at; at the 12 step meetings! they are good for a person; its like a hospital! However, the people are not really my tribe! I have just enough in common with them to get along! These are not people Im going to start a business with! ITs not about them; their OKE! ITs not them; its me! My people, my way of life was established when young! and its very very hard; all of this; to find myself again with no real friends! I have to work with God and the the laws of attraction to find myself in new surroundings with the right people!

I have to define what Im looking for; people, places and things!
----------------------

As I come back to myself; I remember how I felt at 8 years old after a ski trip! how I would melt into the basement or go upstairs and watch Tv! I had no idea no one cared about me! I cared about me! this house; my home, was taken away from me! this act was an act of brutality and sadistic cruelty toward children! This type of thing is psychopathic; stripping a child of their young life; displacing them; or de-franchising them!

When I was young; someone supplied the parents, the brothers, the house, neighborhood, school kids, TV! So, I had allot going for me! but it was all fake! all of it! it was a set up! Soon, it would all be gone! and a new level of horror would begin! And the true faces of the psychopaths would show up! and the true ugliness of my " so called friends" would appear! The evil!

I have something special! I have those times as an 8 year old; and Im working with God to keep the feelings and experiences of those times, but, without the belief of those around me !

I would like to feel that security again!

And I feel and see bullies in my thoughts when I think about the secure times of an 8 year old! soon, I will be all alone and no one to protect me! I will be bullied the whole time in school! I will get no where! my nervous system will be destroyed!

So, I have this work to work out on my own with Gods help; that those feelings can come back to me; and I can feel them and release them and start over!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/clinical Depression
lighter forms of agoraphobia
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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