Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Somewhere in the middle!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 02, 2016 2:06 am

Im working with success based thinking programs! " Think and get rich" Napoleon Hill! Laws of attraction!

Im in the middle! Ive made great progress, then I pull back and start sabotaging! I go back to being 8 years old and not deal with the present reality! I go back to the world of the 8 year old! and I see it as a safe place! Im still in denial or the 8 year old is seeing things as innocent when the past is actually dangerous or not safe; or I was never accepted! One of the biggest problems or confessions; I am seeing the past as accepting when I should not! meaning; it was not! the truth has been found out! Im not ready to accept that truth! it takes away everything I thought was safe! So, I go back to being an 8 year old and seeing things as naive!

I see myself at an old friends house! I see myself in his basement; his fathers work shop! it feels safe and it feels like home; I almost lived their! it was like home! I felt it was home! However, in reality, I did not know what others thought of me! in reality, they did not want me around ; any of them; they felt invaded! I was not wanted at any level! Ive decided that the evidence suggest the mother of the house, when I was young; she decided it would be a good idea for her son to have a friend around because he had all sisters and it would be good for him to be around another boy for socialization! I never knew this! I thought I was simply accepted! I was wrong! these were upper middle class people; rich!

I lived on the outskirts of this rich neighborhood! I was not from that neighborhood; it started on the other side of the street on a new block! I was not from any background! I was not rich! I was on the edge of this neighborhood! and I went to the schools of these neighborhoods! but I was not like the other kids and did not know it! I was not being taken care of like they were; I was not being taught success based thinking and or, no one was checking my grades or interests! I was completely socially neglected! no one cared about my future! As a small boy; this was OK! I would deal with it next year! but next year did not come! soon, I felt behind in school! I was not invited to smarter classes and teachers! I was put back in the dumb kid classes; I was brilliant! non of this made any sense! I could not understand! And my friends from the rich neighborhood started to zoom past me academically! I was immature! I was a 4 year old when I was 9 years Old! I had built my life on Television programs and other peoples parents!

I naturally compared myself to other children and thought my parents were just like everyone elses! but they weren't! something was wrong!

My friends; the upper middle class; non of these people were really my friends; but I did not know! I have memories of them and feeling safe around them with my guard down, and Im so sorry for this! for I was in a false situation! I was never liked or loved or wanted! I was hated with contempt! no one wanted me in their house holds! I meant nothing to them! and they wanted me gone! worse; my friends did not want me either! but; they were in between studying and I was coming over to their house to play ball! so; I was good for something! not much! I was being used! my value of a human being meant nothing because they didnt need me! The fact Im a human being meant nothing them; I was a stranger hanging around them! and I was the last to know! and I was not invited! They wanted me gone!

So; after finding out I was never wanted and I made a big mistake knowing these people; I certainly do not want to think about those people or the pain they brought me when a child; in the past! later, they treated me like a second class citizen and I got the message! and the message was " leave and dont come back"! they wanted to see me as a retard with no intelligence or expressive opinion or abstract intelligence! I would have never associated with these people if I knew what they were! I didnt know! I simply had no idea! I was just a child!

The point is; I go back to those memories of associating with them; the upper middle class kids and their homes! I see myself at their tables, at their wood working shop in the basement or outside with my friend in the backyard looking at the stars and its all bad! its bad because its fake! their hearts were never with me! Im assuming the mother allowed me to come over a few times because no one was taking care of me when I was at home! but I dont think they wanted me at their house living! I never knew! Now I know!

The point is; I go back to these memories and see them as an innocent 8 year old! I know these things are not what my 8 year old is trying to make them out to be! He wants to see things as supper sweet and nice and kind and heavenly! and thats how I saw it when I was between 5 and 8 years old! Now; I know better!

Im trying to make the change from focusing on these past events as nice to a thing of horror! because; they were horrible! I was spending my time with people that were lying to me! I had no friends! I should have been out of their house and lives as fast as possible! Im trying to change my thinking to reality! and I have to get rid of the past! Im attempting to get rid of a past that was bad, and I keep trying to see it as good; it was never good! and Im tired of having to make it into something it is not! Im tired of having such a " need" to keep the truth a lie! Im looking to come from the past to the present! one cannot push this! it causes mental breakdowns!

In the mean time; I wait and work on my goals and dreams! and Im in the middle of shoveling that spiritual tunnel through that mountain! It gets lonely and scared! I get lonely and isolated in my problems! if and when I come through this mountain, Ive got another life waiting for me! it hurts a great deal to let go of the past! many ghosts I loved from the past, and many dreams I had from a child I wanted to live! I did not have a chance! I would like to change this! and its possible! its taking time!

Limiting beliefs!

Ive got tough beliefs Im working through! things are working out for me! its working! its slow! I would like to get a bit further! what does this mean! it means; I would like to spend more time on the positive side of creating my reality and less on the negative " this is it" reality, where nothing changes from present reality! Im a bit on the negative; enough to hurt and feel frustrated!

I am getting better! Ive got thorns in my side! So; I keep writing an going to 12step meetings and working with God and the laws of attraction!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 3432 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], ellielook, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Grassweeds, jackotony, Majestic-12 [Bot], Snaga, Tyler