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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Somewhere in the middle!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 02, 2016 2:06 am

Im working with success based thinking programs! " Think and get rich" Napoleon Hill! Laws of attraction!

Im in the middle! Ive made great progress, then I pull back and start sabotaging! I go back to being 8 years old and not deal with the present reality! I go back to the world of the 8 year old! and I see it as a safe place! Im still in denial or the 8 year old is seeing things as innocent when the past is actually dangerous or not safe; or I was never accepted! One of the biggest problems or confessions; I am seeing the past as accepting when I should not! meaning; it was not! the truth has been found out! Im not ready to accept that truth! it takes away everything I thought was safe! So, I go back to being an 8 year old and seeing things as naive!

I see myself at an old friends house! I see myself in his basement; his fathers work shop! it feels safe and it feels like home; I almost lived their! it was like home! I felt it was home! However, in reality, I did not know what others thought of me! in reality, they did not want me around ; any of them; they felt invaded! I was not wanted at any level! Ive decided that the evidence suggest the mother of the house, when I was young; she decided it would be a good idea for her son to have a friend around because he had all sisters and it would be good for him to be around another boy for socialization! I never knew this! I thought I was simply accepted! I was wrong! these were upper middle class people; rich!

I lived on the outskirts of this rich neighborhood! I was not from that neighborhood; it started on the other side of the street on a new block! I was not from any background! I was not rich! I was on the edge of this neighborhood! and I went to the schools of these neighborhoods! but I was not like the other kids and did not know it! I was not being taken care of like they were; I was not being taught success based thinking and or, no one was checking my grades or interests! I was completely socially neglected! no one cared about my future! As a small boy; this was OK! I would deal with it next year! but next year did not come! soon, I felt behind in school! I was not invited to smarter classes and teachers! I was put back in the dumb kid classes; I was brilliant! non of this made any sense! I could not understand! And my friends from the rich neighborhood started to zoom past me academically! I was immature! I was a 4 year old when I was 9 years Old! I had built my life on Television programs and other peoples parents!

I naturally compared myself to other children and thought my parents were just like everyone elses! but they weren't! something was wrong!

My friends; the upper middle class; non of these people were really my friends; but I did not know! I have memories of them and feeling safe around them with my guard down, and Im so sorry for this! for I was in a false situation! I was never liked or loved or wanted! I was hated with contempt! no one wanted me in their house holds! I meant nothing to them! and they wanted me gone! worse; my friends did not want me either! but; they were in between studying and I was coming over to their house to play ball! so; I was good for something! not much! I was being used! my value of a human being meant nothing because they didnt need me! The fact Im a human being meant nothing them; I was a stranger hanging around them! and I was the last to know! and I was not invited! They wanted me gone!

So; after finding out I was never wanted and I made a big mistake knowing these people; I certainly do not want to think about those people or the pain they brought me when a child; in the past! later, they treated me like a second class citizen and I got the message! and the message was " leave and dont come back"! they wanted to see me as a retard with no intelligence or expressive opinion or abstract intelligence! I would have never associated with these people if I knew what they were! I didnt know! I simply had no idea! I was just a child!

The point is; I go back to those memories of associating with them; the upper middle class kids and their homes! I see myself at their tables, at their wood working shop in the basement or outside with my friend in the backyard looking at the stars and its all bad! its bad because its fake! their hearts were never with me! Im assuming the mother allowed me to come over a few times because no one was taking care of me when I was at home! but I dont think they wanted me at their house living! I never knew! Now I know!

The point is; I go back to these memories and see them as an innocent 8 year old! I know these things are not what my 8 year old is trying to make them out to be! He wants to see things as supper sweet and nice and kind and heavenly! and thats how I saw it when I was between 5 and 8 years old! Now; I know better!

Im trying to make the change from focusing on these past events as nice to a thing of horror! because; they were horrible! I was spending my time with people that were lying to me! I had no friends! I should have been out of their house and lives as fast as possible! Im trying to change my thinking to reality! and I have to get rid of the past! Im attempting to get rid of a past that was bad, and I keep trying to see it as good; it was never good! and Im tired of having to make it into something it is not! Im tired of having such a " need" to keep the truth a lie! Im looking to come from the past to the present! one cannot push this! it causes mental breakdowns!

In the mean time; I wait and work on my goals and dreams! and Im in the middle of shoveling that spiritual tunnel through that mountain! It gets lonely and scared! I get lonely and isolated in my problems! if and when I come through this mountain, Ive got another life waiting for me! it hurts a great deal to let go of the past! many ghosts I loved from the past, and many dreams I had from a child I wanted to live! I did not have a chance! I would like to change this! and its possible! its taking time!

Limiting beliefs!

Ive got tough beliefs Im working through! things are working out for me! its working! its slow! I would like to get a bit further! what does this mean! it means; I would like to spend more time on the positive side of creating my reality and less on the negative " this is it" reality, where nothing changes from present reality! Im a bit on the negative; enough to hurt and feel frustrated!

I am getting better! Ive got thorns in my side! So; I keep writing an going to 12step meetings and working with God and the laws of attraction!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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