April 2024
March 2024
Something was missing from my confidence; thats what I could not walk up and talk to her.
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Something was missing; thats why I couldn't walk up and talk to her.
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So; Ill go into what was missing....
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What was missing; I had no strength; I was frightened and scared; I was forced back into someones life again; forced; being under control; where I couldn't leave; I was living with someone where I couldn't leave; thats what it was like. I was transformed back to a place where I couldn't leave and I was forced to do things... under someone else control. So; I refused... It was like bait; her liking me..
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In the end she was a Whore. A real Witch; evil; Sad for both of us I think but she will never care... It was sad for me it was that part of a womens soul or spiritual side; love side used against me. She reached out to God and called for a soulmate and I came fourth; she and I met; she ended up with another man; she could have changed at any time and did it anyway; did it in front of me; courted him in front of me... Wanted that " I am women see me powerful" role. She ruined what God gave her and me; She ruined it in the site of God; She disrespected God. Ill have nothing to do with her ever again... Thank God I never dated her I just observed; I was still destroyed from it; it was immoral what she did; pure evil; an act against God; A God at which she cried out to in the beginning to have a friend; a best friend to love and take care of her; and thus I came forth. She recognized me from the beginning; but in the end; pure evil.
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So; what does this mean; it means in my manifestations Im getting close; I have conjured up a women who was my soulmate who I would marry but she had no conscious and turned on God. Thus; I am not suppose to associated with her ever again; I am under Gods care.. So; the next time ill be thinking about what Im trying to manifest... Who? Somehow ive got to come up with a nice girl and ive got to be a nice person... some how; God will have to change me; get rid of my pain and anger and resentments; the deeper ones if Im going to have someone real in my life I have to be real.
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I am waking up.
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Back to the story; So; So far; I did not want someone to control me like when young being controlled; that is why I would not go near her to talk to her.
So; writing about it; talking about it; getting the anxiety out of the past that is triggered; that is one area I can work on; getting that past pain out so I can talk to someone in the present.
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So; im starting to get an answer concerning talking to others that like me; First; its the excitement I remember as a child in my house on *mod edit*... my house as a child.. So; talking to others that like me reminds me of the childhood I thought I would be getting. IT reminds me of the abuse where I shut down and could not fight back or talk back; especially talk back; impossible and no reason; no one listening or cared; because they didnt care about me... And I dont trust people that like me they are deceptive...
Ill pray; does God want me to talk to them
Are they my friends; what do they want.
What if they dont feel safe; and many times they dont; they just dont feel safe.
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Anxiety about the past abuse; getting that out being free in the present knowing its not the past; ive dealt with the past; that helps for me to talk to people that trigger me at a deeper level where the hurt and damage is...
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So; im starting to fight back or have boundaries; that is a sign of mental health; means Im more present; but its just starting; I see where this is going; Ive got a childhood that has to seek its way into this and replace everything with its time period and I relieving everything from that time period and moving forward from their; knowing im safe with God and on my own; but its still a TV screen; not real yet.
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Right now Im doing Art; and its; u know: some is good some is bad I got to repair... thats as far as ive gotten.
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Ok; Talking to a women that liked me that was my soulmate that was mirroring me and I was to afraid to talk to her; she had already approached me and tried to talk to me 4 thousand times but I would not talk to her.. Now; as I figure out whats wrong with me dissociatively; Im slowly learning how to approach someone and talk to them maybe; nowhere near the strength for this yet.. but I get it; and its about letting the anxiety out of the abuse and abandonment of my childhood.
So; the anxiety held in; cant move; and all those flashbacks... Im starting to get stronger slowly.;
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