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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im still to young
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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Something positive is happening

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm

Something positive is happening; Ive got on " A Hards Day Night" The Beatles; 1964; This was one of the first movies I ever saw; I was 2 years old when it came out; I watched it in 1966; would have an influence of what my future looked like for the rest of my life; its my generation.
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I watched this when I was a young child and maybe once after. Im watching it now because the universe is trying to bring my personalty to the present; bring back my personality when it was created.
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Its working; Im changing. Im much more solid. For the last 20 years in recovery; I was never this far.
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Things are coming back of interest that I felt and watched back in the 1960's. My personality is seeking itself. My personality wants to continue where it left off as if nothing has happened; and I can oblige it. This was not possible before because I lost to many things I loved and did not want to live anymore; Now its different. and no one around to stop me.
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I have many things I wanted to be when I grow up. And it just may be; that if my personality comes back; it will want to fulfill what it began in the early 60's of its interests. Their is nothing stoping me from wanting and going after what I originally wanted; This would be great' surely it would.
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Its hard; my personality; anything directly in front of me; its like its been bruised; My ability to connect and be present; lots of depersonalization problems. However, their seems to be nothing after this; meaning; trauma; its clear sailing; no one is going to pull the apartment out from under me or the money or anything. No one here to abuse me; nothing.
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I dont know what to think accept my personality is wanting to self actualize... And more Beatles stuff.
thats where it starts.
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I noticed a specific spot in the movie where Ringo is lost with his Camera; and I noticed him having fun by himself; just walking around; and I forgot how to do this; but now I remember; and I saw these kids in the movie; 11-12 year old gang of 4; the way they slip down a brick inlayed that swooped to the waters edge; freedom; thats what I call it; Im already learning and getting it.
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Dissociative disorder still reigns in my life; CPTSD; it keeps me from being spontaneous around others; I guess I will have to learn how again to be spontaneous around others. The music in this movie is incredible.
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So Im learning.
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I have to do something about my self image; how I see myself; I have the critical voice of CPTSD; and it causes much damage of how I see myself around others. not having any self esteem; so this must be worked on. I think it will get better.
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When young; as soon as they could get a hold of me; they made me and my interests out to be bad things; what ever I was; was bad and they wanted to destroy me the way I am; destroy it.
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So; the movie is over and I feel great. I feel much better.
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So; Im getting it; What do I like to do right now; theirs lots of things I could love to do; and how I interact with people; I will have to learn how to make that positive.
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Imagine 2 people; One is depressed and worried walking down the street; the other is dancing; As I remember when I was young; life was about what things were going to be like when I got older. How great life was going to be.
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I understand that I have to live a good life and then the free time will be good. If I live a life I like; by living and doing the things I like to do; then my free time would be fun and feel good.
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Its hard to say that life is up to me; but it is; but I have to learn how again. This will not be easy. dreadful but worth it; especially in the beginning.
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I know the universe is trying to help me.
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When I was young; I had cartoons; I had the Beatles, I had a best friend; I had a house and a neighborhood.
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So; I had solid footing dreams and friends... when all of that was taken away; my personality disappeared into nothing; now the universe is trying to bring it back; and o My; its kicking on the deepest most important things I can remember. And it goes so much further then this.
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We will see how the weeks unfold; who I meet.

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Im actually quite a creative chap. Ive never let it out around anyone; Ive never been spontaneous around anyone; maybe when I was 14 and thats it. we will see.
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Ill have to learn how to start conversations with people. meet knew people; and decide the kind of people I want to meet and meet them and talk with them.
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I remember what people were like in the middle class world in the middle of the 1960's; their were no cell phones; you learned to talk to people and have conversations. I can do this again; and regardless of how many people are on phones; I can imagine a world without them and find those who want a talking world.
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I have much much more of that time period to explore; the inner workings of my original personality and what it was thinking and dreaming about. Im shocked that I can do this; I really am; Im truly blessed. We will see what becomes of all this.

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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