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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/something_positive_is_happening_b-12947_sid-3d1a122cda9bca2f69714b71ec07b5dd.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Something positive is happening |
Something positive is happening; Ive got on " A Hards Day Night" The Beatles; 1964; This was one of the first movies I ever saw; I was 2 years old when it came out; I watched it in 1966; would have an influence of what my future looked like for the rest of my life; its my generation. . I watched this when I was a young child and maybe once after. Im watching it now because the universe is trying to bring my personalty to the present; bring back my personality when it was created. . Its working; Im changing. Im much more solid. For the last 20 years in recovery; I was never this far. . Things are coming back of interest that I felt and watched back in the 1960's. My personality is seeking itself. My personality wants to continue where it left off as if nothing has happened; and I can oblige it. This was not possible before because I lost to many things I loved and did not want to live anymore; Now its different. and no one around to stop me. . I have many things I wanted to be when I grow up. And it just may be; that if my personality comes back; it will want to fulfill what it began in the early 60's of its interests. Their is nothing stoping me from wanting and going after what I originally wanted; This would be great' surely it would. . Its hard; my personality; anything directly in front of me; its like its been bruised; My ability to connect and be present; lots of depersonalization problems. However, their seems to be nothing after this; meaning; trauma; its clear sailing; no one is going to pull the apartment out from under me or the money or anything. No one here to abuse me; nothing. . I dont know what to think accept my personality is wanting to self actualize... And more Beatles stuff. thats where it starts. . I noticed a specific spot in the movie where Ringo is lost with his Camera; and I noticed him having fun by himself; just walking around; and I forgot how to do this; but now I remember; and I saw these kids in the movie; 11-12 year old gang of 4; the way they slip down a brick inlayed that swooped to the waters edge; freedom; thats what I call it; Im already learning and getting it. . . Dissociative disorder still reigns in my life; CPTSD; it keeps me from being spontaneous around others; I guess I will have to learn how again to be spontaneous around others. The music in this movie is incredible. . So Im learning. . I have to do something about my self image; how I see myself; I have the critical voice of CPTSD; and it causes much damage of how I see myself around others. not having any self esteem; so this must be worked on. I think it will get better. . When young; as soon as they could get a hold of me; they made me and my interests out to be bad things; what ever I was; was bad and they wanted to destroy me the way I am; destroy it. . So; the movie is over and I feel great. I feel much better. . So; Im getting it; What do I like to do right now; theirs lots of things I could love to do; and how I interact with people; I will have to learn how to make that positive. . Imagine 2 people; One is depressed and worried walking down the street; the other is dancing; As I remember when I was young; life was about what things were going to be like when I got older. How great life was going to be. . I understand that I have to live a good life and then the free time will be good. If I live a life I like; by living and doing the things I like to do; then my free time would be fun and feel good. . Its hard to say that life is up to me; but it is; but I have to learn how again. This will not be easy. dreadful but worth it; especially in the beginning. . I know the universe is trying to help me. . When I was young; I had cartoons; I had the Beatles, I had a best friend; I had a house and a neighborhood. . So; I had solid footing dreams and friends... when all of that was taken away; my personality disappeared into nothing; now the universe is trying to bring it back; and o My; its kicking on the deepest most important things I can remember. And it goes so much further then this. . We will see how the weeks unfold; who I meet. . Im actually quite a creative chap. Ive never let it out around anyone; Ive never been spontaneous around anyone; maybe when I was 14 and thats it. we will see. . Ill have to learn how to start conversations with people. meet knew people; and decide the kind of people I want to meet and meet them and talk with them. . I remember what people were like in the middle class world in the middle of the 1960's; their were no cell phones; you learned to talk to people and have conversations. I can do this again; and regardless of how many people are on phones; I can imagine a world without them and find those who want a talking world. . I have much much more of that time period to explore; the inner workings of my original personality and what it was thinking and dreaming about. Im shocked that I can do this; I really am; Im truly blessed. We will see what becomes of all this. . |
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