Something is missing in me that I cant talk to a women that likes me. I freeze up in caution and go into protect fight or flight mode.
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So far its about the past; working through the times in the past I could not express myself; I could not express myself because I wasn't wanted and I found that out and had no place to run or hide. Also; no more childhood and I had to hang on to what ever I had...
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I was also afraid of starting a new relationship and ending up in the same places I would have as a child... I was thrown away and removed over n over n over until I was no more; no trace of my past life; childhood life families friends relatives; nothing; as if I was never born; nothing; completely erased.
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I see a clear future for me re learning how to show my emotions to people and talk to people..
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Ive been talking online to zoom groups about how I could not talk because of abuse; I was in life or death situations and thrown away and talking would not do me any good it would not save me so I stopped and never started again... I was trauma bonded out of it I think. And I was not treated like a human being...
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Im working with the universe for change... I have allot of my childhood to remember and my feelings to go with it so I can become me again. As for those who used me as a child; unbelievable. Way out in orbit what happened to me.
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Practice; keep working with God on it
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Its a start; Im seeing childhood development wanting to come out; I can feel the burning. Ill keep praying for what I need.
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Im getting to a frequency of remembering parts of my childhood where im at a friends house and the I go home to my house. a solid state. Im attempting to get that part of me to surface.
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Asian soulmate;
The first thing I do is look at my body and say; nope; no one is going to want me; not in shape... Why would they want me. So a gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; I have to believe; so spiritually speaking I have to work with the universe to get a plan to believe. One women I was working with suggested I make lists of what I bring to a women; meaning things I am proud of; how I will take care of her and listen to her and love her and charish her and take care of her and protect her... and im creative and interesting.. Make a list of stuff I bring to her why she should pick me over others. This is not fun. But Ill do it. and allot more if I have to... Ill keep working with God on this stuff.
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I need more of myself back to accomplish things and be present again; So; I have to be able to face more stuff where I was trained into doing nothing but what I was told or I would be even more destroyed; So; I have to work with God on this to work through bad times...
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Went to a meeting; felt more whole now that Im doing art again; because this means nothing can stop me Art wise; I can potentially go as far as I want to; but not yet; first I must make the 10 paintings of vases; my version; take them into a meeting; let them sit along a wall as if Im experiencing an art gallery and just sit with them while in a room with other people for an hour...
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Ive been working with God on the women thing. God is telling me; the first love I had. I never gave her a break; I walked away from her claiming I was a victim; I openly blamed her when she had nothing to do with it; with anything; nothing... But I never really came back to her; I kept the resentment against her; it was a kind of cowards resentment... That means I was using her as an excuse to hold myself back from everything; I used her as a scape goat. I never really established myself with her again; I never really wanted to; I wanted to hate her with all my heart and what she and the world represented; what I forgot to understand; she was a human being; not a political concept; in addition; She loved me and trusted me and thought she had a future with me; I ruined all of it for myself and for her instead of loving her; I could have told her something; anything that I was hurting or in trouble; sure; I would have looked bad; but I loved her and lost my mind and lost my way; legitimate reasons; but she was left with no one and never did anything to anyone. I was their to protect her against her parents and show her love; that was my job and I could do that.... But I choose to hate everything....
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God told me; For the present; the girls that like me and make mistakes; give them a break; God gave me a break and brought my first love that I destroyed; did he not bring me others so; he gave me a break I am to give them a break. Im crying as Im writing this...
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Im not sure what my purpose is with this next soulmate; I dont know; Ill have to ask God.. I assume its to love with all my heart. and I can do that; and I know she loves me but ive not been present and so shes been off with other guys... so; shes a pretty girl; and I have no idea about anything; Im not even sure why Im talking about this or writing about its. I dont know what Im talking about.
So; the next area is my voice; bringing it back; bringing me back to consciousness.
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The key is to take everything to the universe and have the universe figure it all out and spit back what is important and what needs to be done; the universe is protecting me and I must remember that. Its easy for me to get into a trauma bond with bad people so im learning how to get the universe to help me out and move me on...
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Radical acceptance is an idea that I just accept everything the way it is now and move on; right now; and I like that and would like to do that; and just move on and forget the past and those in it; the present past and those in it... Stuff thats happened to me last year and move on... and move on...
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The right people might be missing; Ive been so used to being around lower level people in the recovery process that I forgot about everyone else in the world that is normal. So; possibly God is sending me out among the real people and away from the lower people; something like that; that nice people; to a new life; something Ill work on... new people and places and things...