I was on one of my CPTSD sites and someone left me a comment; after I posted. This was a women who got a bit closer in her comment; a bit more direct. She mentioned about re mothering. I freaked out because she got so close to the problem; I could feel the hatred and anger and aggression and massive fear; but she was online; just a drawn face in a little box representing a real human somewhere. She wasn't real; I mean; I was feeling it because emotionally someone was getting close to me. This tells me I get triggered any time someone gets close. I got mad at her? not really at her but I was mad at her for getting that close without my permission because it could be damaging.
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What was interesting is; it was simply about someone getting close; it was not a real person I knew; was not personal; and this person commenting could not have any idea of who I was or where I came from or my background accept the post; nothing else; so what am I witnessing here.
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Im seeing that Im triggered by anyone getting close and my personalty turns vile; and it becomes personal in a way; like someone is personalty attacking me. Because this person is unknown; it is not personal; so its about me and not the other person; so; this is good info; but I still dont know what to do.
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What does this mean; its means that when women want to get close to me; if they get to personal I get freaked out and enraged out of fear... I dont trust them because they are without kid gloves when dealing with me.
So; how do I deal with women; I dont know; Ill take it to God and hope God brings me women smart enough to some how see that Im in pain or fear and know how to handle me; that is all I can think about.
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Ive been with women I was interested in and it didn't work; they turned out having no values or worth toward human beings; nothing and certainly had no value toward me; nothing; unbelievable; dealing with that level of filth. Godless and lawless; what was I doing their.
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So; Im stuck for now; I dont know how to proceed. I feel like I have to continually align with God; I have no other choice when it comes to women; I have to wait for the right one to show up; I feel so lost and stuck when it comes to women and love less; like no one wants to love me... nothing; no one. No one sees my real value or worth and I dont know how to get to that place to be around the right women that do; and Im working with God on this but I feel time is running out for me; Im getting old... non of this life makes any sense to me; nothing... I dont understand God; I feel like Im being kept in the dark on all things; no fun; and I feel I have no control; over my own life and God is not helping; I mean God is helping but Im having a hard time listening? Its like a cat n mouse game. I dont know. In the end I end up safe but without any kind of life? I dont know; thats how it feels. Im trying to work with God but I dont know. I dont feel safe at all at anything or around anyone.