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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Some changes; Not their yet

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:37 pm

Im slowly slowly slowly heading toward; coming into alignment; but its 200 miles away.... its fare away...
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Its very fare away but heir is hope; hope has shown up.
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Im looking for the beginning signals and pathways of my life where Im at; where I start here n now; but I first have to be here n now; and thats where the work is; the enemy is dissociative disorder that diverts my mind from being present to do anything.... Im getting closer or starting or something; Ive made some movement forward.
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This is an example of moving forward. This is an example...
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I wanted to play guitar; so I thought; dam; here we go again; for 40 years; I couldn't play guitar; could not start something and finish it.
I started playing guitar; I was able to get through the first level; able to get into the first level; the beginning of the first level; chords and an F bar chord.... and a bit of picking. I made it; I got into the first level; but then I stopped; became disrupted... disconnected from self; dissociative condition. ..
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So; Im getting places.
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The goal is to focus on now; what I need to discover now; to go from where Im at to the next level. The problem is; Im acting like a big shot. Like Im readying myself for a bigger then thow situation given to my dilution. Im trying to come out of my dilution so I can start at something; but I first have to come to grips with reality and where Im at and thats the problem; its like being on the streets as a derelict and I telling everyone how I'm going to be an astronaut; It doesn't work; it doesn't fit. its not realistic. Im in la la land; Im getting better to come back to reality now; so I can start something real; see the pathways of where Im at so I can start.
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I have to stop worrying about what others think or think of what's important or what's important for me or what they like or don't like and I'm trying to please them to fit in; thats everything to me; belonging; but I can't do this this time... I have work to break this down and come out of it and be on my own identity and emotionally speaking.
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What does all this mean? It means Im heading toward starting over completely and doing what I love; starting at the beginning; letting go of a fake past that has been lying to me and ruling me; Im working through the fear of it and letting go; ending up doing what's best for me not what I think I aught to be doing according to some rituals of my fAKE BRIKEN middle class past. Even if I wanted the middle class past; I would have to become present and start over at the beginning; and loving it. Id have to be free to be me; letting go of all things and going back to being my original self; and I think that might be happening as I speak; write.
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Tid bits are showing up..... things are possible. I need more work of who I am to show up and not worry about what others think or about the past glory days of what it was suppose to look like or be like...
I don't need a past of what it was suppose to be like; Im locked in that; its kind of a narcissist kind of deal... remnants of a sociopath..... a narcissistic sociopathic by product of severe dissociative disorder.
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It's possible to heal up; is it; thats the real problem; so I can become present.
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Im trying to let go of what I thought I should become or be able to do and just be me; where Im at. and its a much smaller venue of availability. Im not able to do a 10% of what my superman complex suggests...
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I have to be in the here and now; and until that can happen; Im waiting it out; what Im becoming aware of; that I have a condition where my mind is gone; gone into the past or in a state of delusion or dissociation; all the time and its not real; its not present; and I want to be present and free in the present; and thats the work; but flashbacks creep in and PTSD creeps into everything as fast as lightening hitting water; It takes over my brain ; but Im trying to take it back...

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Taking my brain back; it's damaged and victim based and pleasure based and not present; the mechanisms to fight back. The mechanisms to fight back are infected the roots of my machine to fight back are filled with hatred guilt and rage.... So; this basic area of how I feel about myself and the adjoining flashbacks must be broken through so I can start over again..
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I try to think about something something successful and I get hit with flashbacks and critical voice immediately; So; I have to keep up the therapies and keep doing what I know is best; EMDR, tapping, mediation...
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Keep working on basic goals of; writing stories, making musical songs and performing them; thats one goal; memorizing lyrics and performing a song. And art work; getting my work to a point it Can be put on a wall somewhere.
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expectations of grandeur. Delusions of grandeur...
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I have to loose weight if I want to date or play in a band in the future; even tho Im an old man; still have to look good in front of others; must get into shape and stay that way; if I don't; Im fooling myself; and their it is. this is a good place to discuss false nonsense or personal fake news against myself.
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So; So; what comes first; the weight loss or the girl or the weight loss or the ability to perform live because I have my ducks in a row and Im ready to perform live. Either performing live or losing weight; they both give up uneasy anger vibes of control through authority; authoritarian control.
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It's all To much reality for me to handle... and there it is; it's 2 much reality for me to handle; so if I wanted to get started on basics; what would I do. Id start writing songs and start walking again and exercising. And keep it basic and keep it simple.
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Im not ready to loose weight for the wrong reasons; Im using weight loss or the lack of it for ransom because I have to go get a girlfriend; id have to work at it; and Im angry about this; I dot want to get off my chair and do anything; Im scared and afraid I always loose; so I have to work on this; and I can see it in my head; getting close to women again; and I don't want to do it... I don't want to be manipulates; I just want to be around the right people.
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Sexual abuse plays a large part of this dysfunction an no one to go to at the time and no family to go to; nothing; I was thrown away and had nothing more... I did not know this was going to happen; so the original me vanished and another took over. For their would be no more experiences with that first person; his history and life was gone; snuffed out; like I was shot...
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So; Im trying to rehabilitate and I can't do that until I become more present. Im trying; I have to trust he outside world more and trust myself more I guess.
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Could I become; no! not yet; scientist; no; not yet; Id have to have good grades; can I do this; no; Not yet. Id have to get better and practice first with books... Id have to study and get good grades on tests... And that would trigger a lot of things that went wrong.. where my first life was destroyed.
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I was not safe around those people; non of them; they were monsters... all of them.
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So; Im trying to distance myself from my past; is it possible; well; Yes; Im trying; can it be done. Well; I'm still attached but but getting better; so I think it's possible. I still dissociate.
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The point Is; Im still dissociating but Im better; stronger, and more able to see the past but not be as effected by it... Im stronger but Im still living " back there " in time; part of me automatically is there and not here and that is what Im working on; bringing me back here to the present.
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Im getting it; Im seeing myself; part of me being it; the person in the present that can succeed; Im seeing my mothers face; PTSD flashbacks hard; I mean hard; its coming up as I say these things and the terror and fear.. However, its losing some of its momentum.....
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Im starting to see it; Im doing things myself; not waiting for my parents or anyone else to show up or have to show up; Im giving myself permission to move forward; just a little. I wont go through the completely on how I got here; part of the fabulous universe journey Ive been on.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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