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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment
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Work Ethic is Needed Please
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Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

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Solutions

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 06, 2021 3:44 pm

So; Ill look at some of the problems Ive dealt with; Ill look at a random situations and print them below.
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Most resent women that liked me; More then a year ago... She represents the narcissist... is she a narcissist; well; ya; maybe. I mean no; well; ya; kind a; close enough for writing purposes to get my point across. To me she is a narcissist.
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She appears to have a heart; is this true. Not sure what is going on inside her. She must be a soulmate. It must be love; is this true or is she needy to be someones mother and take care of them; no matter if its me or the next guy; doesn't matter; who ever is in her wave length.
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I thought it was personal; I thought is was inclusive; just me and her; thats what I Thought. Thats important; because Ive mentioned only my thoughts. Ive not acted upon them to find out. But in my mind; Im sure of it because of of small behavior appearances from this girl. Ive observed her and Ive noted each time she has looked my way or given me attention. So; Ive put those pieces together and come up with a conclusion; And the manipulator or narcissist; thats exactly what their hoping I will do. I will be a scared rabbit victim to shy to deal with reality and I will take her behaviors in and count her as someone that likes me. Do I believe she likes me; NO! I never did. I never bought into it.
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Problem; I thought I could love her; Why? I thought she loved me? why? Well; because I wanted to believe it; why? it was easy. easier. Did she. NO! What was she doing; She was manipulating.... Did she notice me for me. NO! Did she notice me; No! She was actually offering herself because she thought I was noticing her. Was I noticing her: Yes! But I was trying to hide it. And did not want to get caught up in it. Did she see this; Yes! Did she care? Well; She was interested but I dont think she cared. IT could have been a notch on her belt but I was not good enough to be a notch on her belt and I knew that. She didnt care who I was.
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Im dissociating a bit and going around the problem and solution; the purpose of this blog.
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She didnt like me; she was just putting out signals to anyone to get attention; Attention seeker; So; why did I make this out to be more then what it was? I wanted my fantasy. I claimed she loved me. She didnt love anything. She didnt love me. Do I believe that; No! I believe she did love me.
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I believe she did love me but I used that against her; made her wait for me for to long until she had no other choice but to go out with someone else. I then watched her go out with someone else; I was horrified and broken hearted that my true love went out with someone else and wanted nothing to do with her ever again. Did I ever tell her any of this; no! I was at a distance the whole time; she knows nothing about me accept eye contact; nothing more. and their was hardly any eye contact ever; I made sure of it; I ignored her the whole time; almost all of it and kept my thoughts to myself. So; she will never really know anything about whats really going on inside me. And this was the smartest thing ive never done; not the first time. Its kept me covert and safe.
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The solution to this; does she love me; No! But I dont like the answer; but its true. And Im fighting this answer. Because I think she loves me; I have something to go back to. Im having a hard time letting go of. " She loves me; I must go back and save her; Im needed". Thats the problem. She does not love me; She does not need for me to go back to her; and she does not need to be saved; she is absolutely capable of going out with someone else and she stunningly proved that; or abruptly proved that very quickly. So; did she do this against me. " Why yes she did"... Did she? NO! I Im watching from the side lines; she has no idea whats really going on in my head or who I am; Im the perfect stranger. Its all in my dissociative head. And thats what scary and Got me crumbling. I only talked to her once or twice; back to back for 5 minutes each; Probably in the last 15 months. The conversations were quick; Where are you from; what where you doing their. What kind of family did you come from; end of conversation; cocktail backyard party conversation; casual acquaintance quick question. " Hi; Im Omnicell; Hows your week going; nice weather today; it was nice to meet you bye"; And that was it.
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Does this person love me; No! Does this person know me; No! does this person need me; No! Does this person like me; No!~. Does this person have to go out with me; NO!~. is this person led to go out with just me; NO!~. Does this person want to go out with me; NO! Did this person indicate that they wanted to go out with me; NO! But did I indicate some how I wanted to go out with them; YES! From what; From my shyness; They picked it up and came over and talked to me; or wanted to; they said Hi! so they could see my interest but no action on my part. So! Im the one calling them over to me! They followed. When I didnt follow through; they went out with someone else. !
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Some How Ive avoided the simple question that solves all of this. I claim she must be in love with me and only me and she needs me and I must go to her and save her... Thats my fantasy. And the reason I dont let go of her is because she loves me. Is this true? F_ck no! And thats where Im having he biggest problem; I need her to love me.
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( I need her to love me). This gives my life purpose; the insecure part of me. Ive created this fantasy so I dont have to deal with the hardcore loneliness of life... that no one does love me and that Im alone... So; Ive taken this person hostage in my mind; not in real life; And ive created a fantasy about her. But interestingly enough; the fantasy that was suppose to be fleeting and only last for a moment has turned into 15 months; it wasn't suppose to last more then 5 minutes. I mean; I have a small fantasy about someone I look at; then I turn away and move on and go home and get on with my life and do the things I was suppose to do. This was not someone I was suppose to think anymore about because I never met the person in the beginning; she was at a distance. She was a passing person who walked by; or sat at a desk a fare off and I noticed her. I Glanced at her and that was that; I was suppose to only last a second.
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So; I glanced at someone and I was then suppose to move on but I didnt; in my mind. I latched on. And theirs the problem or the first problem. I was suppose to go home.
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I said she loved me; B_llS__t; Where did I come up with this; I only talked her few short times; how's the weather and walked off. In the last 15 months. Never looked at her ever again. But kept all my thoughts to myself. Why am I trying to take my thoughts and claim they are reality; And their it is; theirs the lie. And that is what Im having a hard time getting over. I had no invitation to know this person. Nothing. I was not invited to the party; And im mad that Im not getting invited to those type of peoples parties; I should; Im untitled. Dont they know who I am. I guess it doesn't matter I was safe at a distance thinking what ever I wanted to think.
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So; we are talking about my thoughts. imagine I saw someone on an street corner for a moment; and im going by in a car; and that is that; thats all this was. Nothing more; but my dissociative mind started to create cities on top of it... And that scares me; but it doesn't really scare me; I mean; it bothers me because of my mental condition. My mind is messed up.
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So; I had to have her love me; in my imagination. This gave me the reason to not let go. I could continue to fantasies about her because I could not deal with the reality that in my own life I cannot handle reality to go out and get a real women.
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The next stage. I did not have the strength to deal with reality to go out and get a real women. That is about to change. Meaning; Im getting stronger. Im now interested in whats stopping me from having a girlfriend and Im interested in letting go of all the false fantasies of women Ive glanced at through the years that I created fantasies about when I got home...
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So; 2 goals; get rid of the false fantasies about strangers Ive never really met; and thats a big deal because I dont want to let them go; Im mad that I dont get to stay in the fantasy world; Im scared to leave; and Im holding on to these fantasies as long as I can so I dont have to deal with my insecurity and abandonment issues.
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So; the other issue is; whats stopping me from getting a girlfriend; Well; Ive got an answer.
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Visualization of who I am; seeing myself up close and personal in the courtship meeting a women; thats part of whats missing and has to be worked on. I have to re visualize everything. See my steps; one at a time... slowly making my way to a women Im interested in; But this time; Im visualizing for the real world... practicing in my mind approaching someone talking to someone in the correct way; getting to know someone; asking them out; going out; then going to the next step; and visualizing all close up things that occur; the personal stuff. And thats what needs to be done; all the interpersonal stuff up close... my personal interactions with others.
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Im not sure yet if Im saying this right.
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If I want a girlfriend; I have to do what everyone does when their young; I have to visualize myself being the gentlemen; dressed correctly; speaking correctly; charming and nice and giving and polite and.......Social and close up and... And that kind of thing. I have to work on my self confidence... using visualization skills; and practice; and Ill fail a lot and Ill have to get used to it. But its me in the real world going after what I want; and first I have to have the proper skills. And their it is. I mean; its that simple. I go after what I want; I have to present what I have; that I have personality to start with. I kind of know the kind of women Im interested in. Certainly not some Wh_re... meaning a practicing WH_re Ive given an eye to. My God; how did I get into a position to being giving a Wh_re my interest. Thats the main problem... Wrong group. Dont get me wrong. One mans Wh_re is another mans saint. But for me; Im around the wrong group of people.
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The wrong group of people;
Well; for getting better; Ive been around the right group of people; for dating; the wrong group of people and its been very confusing. The girls are cute; and that is miss leading. For; what is under the hood was way beyond my capacity and ability; those were diamond level players; Im just soft wood.. No thanks; way beyond my social spheres; Im out; in fact; I was never able to start playing; not with that group; but I did watch a little bit.. But that was all; And it got my hopes up; or my gander processed for interest that " I can do this".... " Ill go home to my own people; my own crowd now; and Ill practice with them until I get proud of myself enough to make things happen in my own realm". Ill build my self confidence with my own crowd.
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The next move is visualization; working with visualization and dissociative disorder until I have a solid working model in my head of what I want to accomplish.... And that can be done; its very hard with dissociative disorder because dissociative disorder is like a magnet that pulls me away from my good and myself; its trying to protect me and keep me away from reality; its horribly strong; unbelievable. I cant describe it but it can be done... The visualization work.
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So; things are coming together nicely for the next level of development... Im pleased with that; I still have lonely work to do. And then to go apply it; not quit ready to accept myself in reality at that level; the plane still has to land; I have to get off the plane; go back into the airport; get registered out and be out into civilization again. But it looks like I have a kind of plan given to me by God; we will see how it emerges...
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So I see my visualization skills coming back.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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