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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Social survival and security in the arts!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:37 pm

Art; Ive studied that for success; find something that makes you feel good and focus on that! Well; I like or love doing art work; However, Ive been hit with the; what am I going to get for this; price tag please; type attitude; I should be getting something for my work or Im waisting my time! So, this unfortunate belief implanted by someone else has formed in my mind for some time! Now, I have to reverse it and get it out of my mind! I feel insecure; like! " Im not going to make a living at drawing pictures, why then am I doing it?: The trust is; I could make a living at doing art; if I really wanted to; I love doing it! But would I; no! Because, if I made a living at it, I would have to admit that Im wrong; that art isn't stupid and it is a legitimate way of life! It seems, I don't think its a legitimate way of life! I know its a legitimate way of life, but I would have to make a decision on it! and no one is going to force a decision down my throat about anything! Security in doing art; that its Ok, and Im not missing out on something else because Im heading in a natural direction of expression; no resistance!
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It seems to dysfunctional people like me that if I go up the stream instead of down it; battling my way up the stream; I should get a reward for it! I should get a pat on the back for battling up the stream so I am one of the guys; if fit into the group! that way I can feel like Im in a family! Im desperate to fit into anything; to be accepted by anyone! to be part of something! anything!
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At the noon meeting today, I notice some people turning away when I walked in; turning their heads away, as if I was staring at them; like I was needy and they got it going on! Im trying to break this kind of thing so I dont need to be noticed by them; they are the wrong people to be noticed by; they are not safe and have nothing I want! and I have nothing they want! They are users of people like me and should be strangers but they are not! I was actually nice to them today with no judgment when they walked by! I dont like that at all! if I dont stand for something; Ill fall for anything! However, I need to get along with people while I'm in the recovery process and not worry about them or anything else! Who cares what they think of me! They think they are superior! I really dont care and dont want them physically close enough to care ! So, Im weak in this area and it needs my attention! +
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Ive found that some people with less education will size me up incorrectly! And I have to learn to let it go! its a situation where they will never talk to me with respect; I found myself talking to them first! thats wrong or not right! its not the right thing to do; in fact, I dont want them talking to me at all! Im very weak in this specific area!
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Im not home; Im dissociative; and its fairly easy to give in around people! Some people I aught not be playing this game with; seeking approval or attention from them; wrong people!

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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