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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Social survival and security in the arts!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:37 pm

Art; Ive studied that for success; find something that makes you feel good and focus on that! Well; I like or love doing art work; However, Ive been hit with the; what am I going to get for this; price tag please; type attitude; I should be getting something for my work or Im waisting my time! So, this unfortunate belief implanted by someone else has formed in my mind for some time! Now, I have to reverse it and get it out of my mind! I feel insecure; like! " Im not going to make a living at drawing pictures, why then am I doing it?: The trust is; I could make a living at doing art; if I really wanted to; I love doing it! But would I; no! Because, if I made a living at it, I would have to admit that Im wrong; that art isn't stupid and it is a legitimate way of life! It seems, I don't think its a legitimate way of life! I know its a legitimate way of life, but I would have to make a decision on it! and no one is going to force a decision down my throat about anything! Security in doing art; that its Ok, and Im not missing out on something else because Im heading in a natural direction of expression; no resistance!
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It seems to dysfunctional people like me that if I go up the stream instead of down it; battling my way up the stream; I should get a reward for it! I should get a pat on the back for battling up the stream so I am one of the guys; if fit into the group! that way I can feel like Im in a family! Im desperate to fit into anything; to be accepted by anyone! to be part of something! anything!
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At the noon meeting today, I notice some people turning away when I walked in; turning their heads away, as if I was staring at them; like I was needy and they got it going on! Im trying to break this kind of thing so I dont need to be noticed by them; they are the wrong people to be noticed by; they are not safe and have nothing I want! and I have nothing they want! They are users of people like me and should be strangers but they are not! I was actually nice to them today with no judgment when they walked by! I dont like that at all! if I dont stand for something; Ill fall for anything! However, I need to get along with people while I'm in the recovery process and not worry about them or anything else! Who cares what they think of me! They think they are superior! I really dont care and dont want them physically close enough to care ! So, Im weak in this area and it needs my attention! +
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Ive found that some people with less education will size me up incorrectly! And I have to learn to let it go! its a situation where they will never talk to me with respect; I found myself talking to them first! thats wrong or not right! its not the right thing to do; in fact, I dont want them talking to me at all! Im very weak in this specific area!
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Im not home; Im dissociative; and its fairly easy to give in around people! Some people I aught not be playing this game with; seeking approval or attention from them; wrong people!

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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