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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Visualizing
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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movement
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childhood abandonment
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Fear
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Ive found some answers
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D.I.D; let me introduce myself
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Social situations

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:49 pm

Its very simple; its about exposure therapy!
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I need a family, and safe loving people that care about what happens to me; I need them to talk to and work through things; and I need the safety of it!
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And I talk about what Ive previously talked about many times; my past! all necessary for my continued growth and understanding!
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When very young; I was exploited by the people around me! Because I was a latchkey kid; I wondered the neighborhood I was in; staying the night at various peoples houses, and visiting their children in the mornings and on the weekends and at night I was not wanted or liked; I did not know this! they knew this! The parents new this! and at some point told their kids! and so, their children knew this and allowed me to come over! In some cases; they were exploiting me! I was actually keeping their children socially company! If I was 5 years old, it gave their children a chance to socially develop with someone from the neighborhood or nearby! Did the parents like me; they were using me! They could care less either way! at some point with their children neared the age of about 10 years old; I was not needed anymore and I was dismissed! And all through these time periods, some of the parents of these children would talk behind my back or talk about me, calling me trash or calling my brothers trash! I know because the children would tell me what their parents talked about. Or, I would listen in and hear them! I would hear quick faint things; but I heard it! I did not care, because I was getting my needs met to survive!
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Trouble;
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Soon, just hanging out with middle and upper middle class children was not enough to sustain what I needed. In the school systems I was flunking out from the first grade on! At first, I did not know this! I was barely making the minimum! In the second grade I was being forced to go to summer school to make up for what I missed in class; the work; or home work! why was I missing it! I had no one at home guiding me or looking after me! I was not doing any homework! I didn't know better! and the school would call my parents and tell them I had to make up school work! This went on up into the 5th grade; but in the 5th grade, things changed, I was way behind as for as school potential! I was not in smart classes! I was in classes of children that did nothing! I Had all kinds of plans for my future; being a strait A ambitious student was one of these plans! However, it was all destroyed!
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As for parents; I thought they would show up at some point! they never did; show up and help me with my future! little did I know what I was living with! little did I know how the neighborhood people actually saw me; I was not liked or wanted or one of them! I never knew!
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It makes me mad that adults in those neighborhoods exploited me! latter; who could I tell; who cared! no one! no one cared about me; not one person! they destroyed me and would let me die away! no one cared! No one cared about my existence or survival or life or death!
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It bugs me that they were fakes! However, have not minorities in my country complained of the same abuse! I was simply getting treated the same way! I did not understand at the time; I understand now!
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The goal is to keep working through this stuff! keep reporting it and reporting it and reporting it until I feel safe that I can move on! In a sense, when I write or speak about it; Im telling the world that they from the past are criminals; and Im telling on them to the tribe!
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Let the reader understand; if upper middle class people murdered me with no conscious and I go back to confront them or anyone from the upper middle classes; How do you think they will respond! They will lay in wait; stay silent until they can find an opening in my words to work their disease into my soul to separate me from my focus! they want to break me up; they are my enemies! They do not care about me! I mean nothing to them; this means an honest man has no value to any of them! What does this say about them! It means they have no values of honesty! How then can they call themselves a christian community! They call themselves a Christian community of those who have material wealth; thats who they are taking about; they are taking about upper middle class tribe of chosen secluded people! They were Christians to themselves and their money and their wealthy friends; no one else! And God made it clear to me! In any other situation accept the strange occurrence of ending up living near them; I would have never known them!
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In defense toward them; they never came to me! I walked into their neighborhoods and their families and their homes! I walked up to their children; their children had no need to walk up to me! I was looking for an out growth of people to interact with so I could build a life! What I didn't know; I was never liked by any of them; non of them! I meant nothing to them! I might have hung around them; their families or mothers and fathers; but I was not being brought up by them and I was not one of them; but I didn't know this! I was 2 young to know I was not wanted or one of them!
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And Ive said this before; for those who do not understand; The rich will take you in if they have a plan of exploitation! They are manipulators and opportunists! They do not allow someone in their home unless their is a profit coming their way! They would have never allowed me in their homes if I did not live close enough to their neighborhoods to be deemed safe enough to hang with their children! Meaning, socialize their children! If I had been a lost broken child, they would have escorted me off the premises from the beginning and told me to go and and not come back; they did not do this! The problem was; they stayed silent about their opinion of my association with them! They got their child socialized and I got to have a place to hang out! However, they didnt care that I had a place to hang out! It meant nothing to them; they were never thinking about me! I was an object being used! When that day came that their children were well on their way to social and economic development, I was dismissed in under the table kind a second hand indirect communications! " Thanks, you can leave now"! " your services are no longer needed; dont let the door hit you on the way out"; For me; it was a death blow, for I had nothing to start with; my need for these people was as important as belonging to a real family; for me, I thought they were part of my real family! they were not! and they didn't care! nor did they care if I believed they were my friends! they would laugh as such things! They hated me and anyone like me and any other inferiors that did not have their level of money!
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So, the whole of my life, from the churches to the people in the upper middle class neighborhoods to the schools to establishments; you name it! I had no friends or support anywhere ever; meaning, I believed when young, I was one of them; part of the neighborhood! in reality I meant nothing to them; but did not know because I was just a child!
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I was around a bunch of worthless filth; this worthless filth had money! And they all protected their own! I belonged to God! They were killing what belonged to God! they were like mindless sharks! They could think but had no human conscious about them! evil; this is the best word for it! I was not the only one to be destroyed; many children were destroyed or turned into them! Many turned into their parents when they got older! In some cases, God had me go back round these people to see what they were like from an adult perspective; what I found shocked me! God has made it clear to me! " Omnicell, I do not know these "Christian people", they are not written in my book of life". God moved me to go back to them and check them out and see how Im treated by them! So I did; I went back around them! I was treated like a second class citizen; then I realized after watching their behavior! most were verging on pathological states of personality! meaning, no conscious! no human values! So then, the question would be; how did I ever get stuck associating with them! and the answer; I was forced out of my home to look for anyone that would give me attention! From the beginning of my life; I looked for people outside the home; I learned this on TV, from sitcoms!
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I went fourth, looking for people to associate with; network of people that could love me and care about me! and I found people, and felt good about myself; I was young and mobile! As a 5-6-7-8 year old, I liked it! but in a few years, things would fall on their face! the world would began to change around me and in front of me!
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That past life; the one Im describing, I died in it! my original personality was destroyed! and my life completely destroyed! Destroyed by these murder's!
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One very important lesson; You dont or cant go back to more murder's in newer rich neighborhoods and complain about what the old murder's did! The new rich will reject me and try to murder me as the old ones did! I know; Ive had it happen to me. Ive opened up and attempted to tell my story to others that are from well to do neighborhoods; they protect their neighborhoods first, even tho they are murderous! The upper middle class worships their money; they dont care who they murder! They will sell their nice mothers to slave traders to keep their money; and their proud of this opportunism!
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So, here I am now attempting to regain my life and start over! I need a family of people to talk my stuff through! Im a deep real person; I dont talk sparkly stuff; I go to the truth or the depths of the truth and that is what I talk about!
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I need a family; I need a family that will listen to me when I talk to them about my tales and adventures and wisdoms that I have earned the right to tell! I want to belong and need to belong! Im a social animal! So, I have allot to share about! and I must if I am to get better!
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Women; This has been a huge problem; I have no trust for them! my mother and grandmother were evil! pure evil! and the mothers of the false friends I had in rich neighborhoods didnt help; they turned on me and they are the ones that exploited me to allow their children to have someone safe to play with so their children could develop; And throw me away in the end!
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Im not sure how Im going to get over this accept to say, when dealing with women, I underhand that I have to find the right women; or have them brought to me! and I can half believe this! Im not without trying! I just dont trust women! they dont seem to want to help me in anyway; only help themselves! Im looked upon with any favor; just to be used or laughed at! and this is simply a strange thing! I certainly dont want this or need this around me!
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In the last few years, Ive had women take interest in me, they start dressing up around me, they start bringing their children around me! However, at some point they do something else, they show some kind of inconsistent behavior with other men; altho very slight; I see it! its a kind of feminism; Female chauvinism! Men and women are not equal, and they are not the same! their are things you dont do around men or me; ever! and female chauvinism is one of them; for a man; this means, the women has betrayed him! and thus, will end all associations immediately! I believe the feministic movements have their places to protect women in the outside world from rapists and wage control; women have the right to be paid what men are being paid or anyone else for the job done! However, its gone into the world of personal relationships where it has no business! Ive had numerous women like me; only to feel horrified by this strange feministic in human behavior! its not biologically sound! ITs empty! Theirs no reason for me to continue to associate with the women using it! They are opportunists playing the field! It feels like Im a catch in the sea and Im going to be put into a cage in the back of their bikes or cars and taken home as a prise! This works with men! men can catch a mermaid in the sea and take her home and take care off her! A women when at the waters front can discover Zeus; a male God and bow before him and be allowed to use her magical charms to seduce him; but nothing more! If a women does not look up to a man; their is no established status! and feminism does not preclude to allow a women to see a mans status above hers! its pure male hatred! In the animal mammal kingdom, men have to feel safe! They cannot do this if the person closest to them is crossing boundaries! Men will not believe a women who crosses his boundaries all the time or treats him un seriously! As a man; we would tell another man to " get rid of her now"! It still stands; " I wear the pants in the family"; and thats that! and such it will always be!
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Baby mama's! a form of feminism ritualistic conformity! truly this is a movement of the feministic nature; use or con a man into having a baby, then get rid of him or not need him for anything; legally, he now must pay for the baby but not live with the women who conceived the baby! Ive seen this; I've seen women con men! Ive been conned by them; beautiful women! they want a baby; another one by another father; that makes 4 different fathers! and its a way of life for them! The man pays their bills while the women collects an alimony check; nothing new!
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Nothing drives a man crazy then a baby mama who now likes him so he can be a good step father to her children created by other men! It never stops! They have babies by thugs and then later look for good men to rope in to be step fathers! How nice! What a racket! I've tried to tell the women this; they dont listen to me; they know exactly what their doing; they care more about their little girl groups and what those young women think!
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Relationships are about a women and man meeting up in unison and resinating at the same frequency to hold each other through good times and bad and help each other; they adore each other and its about their personal bond with each other through intimacy! its not about her previous children from 3 other fathers; and this new man is now going to baby sit the children and pay the phone bill; that is not a relationships! thats a lie and manipulation; a con artist playing the society they live in! Better for the women to turn to God!
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I have to work through my issues with relationships! Some of my problems with women are more about not being up to speed with relationships! I need people to talk to! brothers and sisters connected who want to help! I need to verbally work through my issues with those I trust as close! I dont like having problems or issues with women or relationships! I would like this part of my life up to speed!
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I have found; those that really care about me listen; they dont care if they perfectly understand! and they do understand! if you can drive a car, your smart enough to understand relational pain and problems I've been through in the past! Those who dont understand, dont care or dont want to! Im not important to them! so, the answer is to work with God to bring the right people around me to a closer nit situation so that I can have a family again that I can banter my stuff back n forth and move forward socially! Bantering my stuff back n fourth with others creates a situation where I work out and processes my feelings and move forward with maturity! I need this maturity!


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Women; This is the biggest ongoing issue; Im afraid the role models I was forced around when growing up were brutal horrible monsters! truly wicked Godless people and some pathological murder psychopathic types! Im trying to work my way up and through this and back to seeing people as a pain person! I would like to get over my women problems; I dont need them, I dont need to see women with daggers clawing me to death! I need to work past this stuff and attract more decent people!
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So, Im defiantly in the middle ground working through the gaps of my life that I start at a fevers pitch and move toward my desired objectives!



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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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