At a Christian meeting tonight! And these are much better the the chemical based addiction meetings!
So, Ive been opening up to people! Im having mixed results! However, although the dissociative condition is unlocking itself weekly! The PTSD worlds are bright and clear and making everything very confusing!
So, Im talking to this one women sitting next to me! She tells me about her education ambitions! She is a PHD in something, and wants another! Cool, I thought!
She asked me what I do; I told her Im a bum who lives of the system! I kind of laughed and didn't care!
Im slowly waking up from my condition and had a right to be on SSi! Its much worse then that! I was truly dying at the time! And before and later!
I was told tonight that no one cares! They only care about who I am! Im simply, not used to this!
When I was young, I was around people that would shun anyone on the system! And I got that in lodged within me! That people on the system are bums and losers!
Im on the system; I certainly am sick and not a bum or loser! In fact, it has nothing to do with why Im on SSi! Im on SSi because Ive been severely mentally ill; why else would I be on it! Who the ###$ would get on SSI! Seriously!
So, I had this conversation with this women and it went OK!
Later, I attempted to talk to another gentleman! He was a bit flippant! Not to nice!
And I tried laughing and being the life of the party with another women! She put me down! I immediately stopped talking to her! I will stay away from from now on! Later, I walked by her; she was standing at the entrees of the door way leading outside to the distant building across the church parking lot! She had a a cold sinister look of hate on her face! A deeper hatred and contempt; almost a prejudice! Personally, I don't need this! I did love the attention!
I am attention starved! When I get around women, something strange happens to me! I become really needy and want to interact with them and get love n attention! Not all want to play along! I want to be taken care of; some resent this and get flippant with me or caustic!
I cant help it! Im trying to open up and I don't know what else to do!
Im learning!
Women;
A problem with women and communication;
Im talking with a friend and this PHD women approaches! But its competition for my friends attention! As soon as I was talking, the women abruptly removed herself from the conversation and said she had to go!
I thought! " what a ######6 bitch"!
So, I will stay away from her!
I expect women to look up to me when Im talking with them! If they don't know who they are talking to; ill leave!
Im very defensive!
I understand; Im just waking up! Ive been out of it for 35 years! We are talking about college stuff! This is the first time since college that ive talked about college like this! That was the early 1980s! You hardly had computers of any kind!
So, there seems to be some problems talking to women! Possibly, Im not looking at them in the face and paying attention to them! Things might be different if I treat them differently! But they are not treating me correctly!
I do not have to prove myself to every person I meet!
Im not guilty until proven innocent!
I have allot of inner depth! I don't show it when talking to people;' yet! They must see it or discover its value! Its attraction not promotion!
I see a big discrepancy with women vs men! Its much easier for me to bond with a brotherhood!
I know I would like to talk to women; but they are not seeing my worth! And I don't know?; do I want to sell myself to show them who I really am; hmmmmmm?