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OMNICELL
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Social practice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 23, 2012 10:40 pm

Long blog:

Blogs are a real cool thing. I feel like Im at a desk creating something safely, yet, other desks are close. Im in solitude, Im not alone...

The other night I had a horrible social experience. I wanted to leave planet earth.. Yet, Today and yesterday things worked out for me...

At the meetings, One women comes up to the coffee maker, she looks at me and says "Hi", she has to go to court. I said, "Hi, Im a felony.. are you a judge". She laughs, "maybe", I say, "because with that body I need to be sentenced...." She laughs and the whole room starts laughing, then, another girl in the corner looks at me says, " what did you say", I look right at her and said, "What are you a reindeer," She laughed, "Why" she said. "Because Im Santa", everyone laughed again.. And few more things were said, a few more jokes.

This is serious stuff...

This is the start of the third section. The first was attraction, the second is the approach. The third is communication. the 4th is dating. Ive been studying for several year how to return to society. I was completely dissociative. unable to respond to anything or anyone. I had no memories.. I am relearning everything. It feels good to be heading in the right direction. I know how to dress, How to act, Im learning more about approach. I use the 3 second rule. And I never stare at anyone... Now Im learning how to talk. What needs to be worked on next is the combination of approach and communication. That will come much later. I have more scripts to write first.

The real goal of this was never to be alone. And these skills apply to everyone I come in contact with, its not all about girlfriends.
I lost everything and for most of my life I have been alone. No more..! I lost 50 pounds, started hip hop dancing in the window at night, graduated to a big merrier. Got more into shape, started lifting weights, Got to 180 pounds, no fat.. I look good with great shoes and sport jacket... I had to learn how to re-groom myself. Short trimmed hair style, no facial stuff. clean cut. keep those teeth shined, mouthwash.. Style, just a bit a bling. I have an old hip hop necklace, I found it on a railroad track. iTs about 25 years old. I always get complements. Its got enough style to have style. yet, its not dated, no one looks at me thinks Im waring a tire chain from the eighties around my neck like Run DMC... Its got tuff, its got a bit of bulk, not to much.. ITs warn, its gold... Its me..

The problem was I could not talk to anyone. I was so dissociative that I could not respond to anyone that got close to me. Im a smart man, I like to study, I like to research, I took my research to the field and I was shocked.. It was working, it was all coming together. The field research was coming together. I could not approach and talk to someone from a perspective of assertiveness. I did learn to talk to people that forced themselves around me. Very few words were spoken.. THis forced the dissociative disorder to give way and let me out a bit.

Im now starting to take the jokes, the scripts and indirect starters with me on paper. Its starting for me. It might take 6 months of practice to get proficient at this . I don't know. I don't really care, Im just glad Im here at this step.. Its that much further away from where I came from. I came from death. Everything that leads to life is better then where I came from. That is why I practice so much...
Im still dissociative, so Im learning how to be both. I have avoidance anxiety syndrome to deal with. Im learning how to juggle all of it..

Last night at a meeting, In my sharing I admitted that my brain was permanently weak from all the traumas in my life. That my brain cannot stay present, even It I tap all the time. It wont stay present. I know its weak. Im disabled.. Its that simple.. Im a weakling... Im Ok with that. Im getting used it. to understanding this..

Then, a few of the girls, actually 2 or three started looking at me, one came over and rubbed my back. I was surprised. I never let anyone touch me. I could not, it triggered to much PTSD. Yet, it was Ok, a bit uncomfortable. she said everything would be OK. I felt like, Who do these people think I am. What makes them have superior status.. Then it hit me..

I told them I was weak! I was a weakling! My mind was disabled!

Then all these women were:

1. touching me
2. looking at me
3. wanting to get close to me..
4. Talking to me.

Haven't I been working on this for years... what a discovery!

Now I get it...!!! Victory..!! Practice makes perfect.... Yes.....

Im still dissociative all the time, my mind comes, it goes, Yet Im willing to practice all the above stuff and prove that it is possible to get ones life back....
Last edited by OMNICELL on Tue Jan 24, 2012 12:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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