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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social phobia!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:29 am

Taking an inventory! How am I doing!

I had the most successful conversation with a women! It was split in half! Meaning; I stopped the conversation and got back to what I was doing and cut her off! She did not know me or my problems! And Im sure that might have hurt her! I could not think strait to explain why I cut her off verbally!

I went through a self checkout at the store! It's a big name store; 4 check outs' 2 on each side! She's at the end of this with her cash register!

I saw her standing; I started running my stuff through the check out; I turned to her! looked at her and i said boldly; " Is this the best most wonderful job you've ever had" " she laughed and approached me"
" No" she said! She told me she had another job! So I said " tell me three things you like about your other job that makes it successful for you"! And I was very passionate and open!

I interviewed her! It was great! And I did great for that small window of opportunity! I was able to say by to her! But she was put off that I cut her off!

So, wonderful! It's starting for me; or is it!

None of these people know my economic situation! When they here me talk with such outgoing intelligent charm; would they wonder how or why Im on SSi!

Did they know Ive been in recovery for 20 years to get some of this ability back! Did they know they were the best Ive worked with; socially! Meaning, the best experience of success! No! Of course not!
It seems like I cant win socially! Im displaced and never myself! Im like a fish out of water!

Im judged all the time instead of being accepted and understood!

However, Ive learned something! If and when I talk to others! I can try to understand them!

It's a scary deal when your on SSi! It does not reflect the better part of you!

Should I dress down because Im on SSi! Or should I attempt to dress up so I can be more socially presentable to practice! I don't know!

Im much better then I used to be at some things! Im working through allot of personal pain, and I have much forgiveness!

However;

The outside world is a straitjacket to me! I don't fit in! Anywhere! No one cares! Im of no interest to anyone! That I was born or die; no one knows or cares or ever has!

I have God!

I was destroyed in my younger life by people; that should tell the viewer about living in my country!

I was never cared ab out by anyone! Its unbelievable! No one cares if they ever see me again or ever knows the real me! No one! It's sickening!

I am attempting successful thinking processes! Positive business thinking; scientific based! It is working! It's working!

I feel like I need to rise above the general populace to have any peace or serenity or a life!

I don't have a life!

I have talents! Cant use them! Not where Im at! I have to pray! And all of this is confusing!

The next big issues are; cleaning cloths; getting apartment clean!

Other areas; talking to more women!

My value is unknown! Im not around my people! Meaning; Im not around people that take me seriously! Its crazy!

I am getting better; but much of the time I simply feel like Im getting better in the same closet I got closed into when young!

I have goals! its helping me! its as if I was born alone! and Im here alone! I have God! I had Television as a child! and then at an early age, I was thrown away! any and all family was destroyed and gone as if I had never seen them before!

I used to see my father go by in a car; it was if i had never met him; he was a stranger! he just went by, like he had never known me or met me! I was used and exploited by this scumbag and others! horrible; in human! I had no idea!

Now I must work to get over these things and attempt to go into a society of shallow people! its never changed!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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