So; Ive successfully pulled of what I was working toward for 4 years. It wasnt perfect but it was perfect; really; accomplished everything I set out to accomplish; Now what?
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So; whats next for me.
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Well; confidence and taking chances with people; standing in front of people and feelings safe; physically feeling good in front of people and not scared or dealing with the fear.
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Development in front of people; So; Social development; social skills. Social importance..
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A famous person said; If something is important enough; even if the odds are stacked against you; you should still do it. Now; if I could just hold on to that and live my life that way on all things that I do; possible.... We will see.
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As or Social development; extremely important for change and growth and success. If I want the success Im interested in; social changes and experiences are necessary; and add that to working with the universe. Somehow getting back my social confidence away from bulling; that feeling of being bullied.
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So; Im not sure where? So; where does God want me to develop socially for a positive solid experience? dont know yet; Ill pray about it. Whats the next level or step; and I want to feel safe. I have allot of chances to learn how to do.... Im scared to death.
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I have much more precessing to process out and work with the universe for such things to work out what is going with me right now and get it out on the table and move on to more safer places and start over.
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Im showing signs of being present again; just enough; Im still half here half not; Im broken person. But Im showing I might be able to handle asking for a relationship with someone; we will see. Im barely starting but I have started to show signs of being present.
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Im showing signs of my old self come n go; this is the me where I am alive and centered and only thinking about now and fulfilled and not worrying about anything else; Im in the vortex; Im centered. Im here now; solid. I feel safe I feel alert. It comes and goes right now. My personalty has been dislocated because of trauma. So; to get it centered means I have things I have to face up about or face... and be here now; not have my conscious pushed back as a victim.
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My thoughts have to become my own again. Its allot of work; Im working on it; its that simple; the more I take respondability to my own thoughts and do something about them; and keep working toward what I want to think; thats the goal. Its happening little by little but it triggers so many bulling episodes where I could not fight back. I just could not; if I did it wouldn't have gotten anything for me; nothing because regardless I had no more home so it didnt matter.
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What was most important was not where I was being bullied; I had no place to go; nothing. I was being thrown away and disposed of; its that simple. I was hated by the corrupt evil perverted sociopaths I was forced to live with; pure evil... and they were pure evil.
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Now; Im getting hit with more criticisms our brow beatings from the step father I had to live with. Horrible.... no place to run; no place to hide; nothing. couldn't fight back or id have no place to live; nothing. Never in my life would I give in to such filth; but I had no choice because I was being treated less than a dog; my actual personality had no value; I had no value; nothing; how could it. Pure evil. Ill have to work through this when I feel safe again; im not there yes; lots of PTSD surrounding this; it went on for a long time; add that to everything else. I had to hunker down down; I had no place to go... no future with these people; nothing; no value anywhere with anyone;everyone was throwing me away when in reality I was a nice decent person. Sickening.
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OK; so; Im better then I was was; Im still in the middle of the rage of bulling and PTSD and abuse and trauma; I'm slowly working my way out of the whip that constantly held me down. I have a long way to undo that whip from my back and end up with freedom...
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