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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm

So; social is upon me; what does that mean; it means; moving up the ladder; thats what it means; from passive aggressive back to middle classism. How will I do this; A Gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; So; I script a new past to start with; doesn’t have to be perfect; just do it as much as possible; once everyday; as much as I can stand it; re writing my history to a better set of memories; created memories. Im ready for that Freddy.
Writing in the Gap; Im writing a script of meeting new people at a new level’ this will hurt; lots of pain their; However, Im going just beyond what my rebellion can stand; in fact; as I write this blog; I can see more pin pointed memories appearing from my past that are like thorns in my side; so they are coming up and hopefully out; I will have to get them out; their circling up toward the top of my mind and surfacing and want out; and I will let them out; its scares me tho; to let go of them; then Ill have to face whats underneath; and I think whats underneath is the loss of my earlier life.
So; Things are coming up; thats good; possibly getting a better handle on my here now life.
I believe scripting will work and help a great deal; also, Im writing stories of my new life in many different areas; and this is forcing the universe to help me change and be prepared for a more advanced life in many areas.
With abuse; the memories I have are of being 12 years old; and then on to 13; that I don't remember much of yet. it was a horrible situation. bad; bulling all the time and traumatized to the point of not functioning and I want to feel all of that and the tremendous feelings of sorrow. I had to go silent; in fact; I had always been silent; never telling anyone anything; and then Im thrown away; so; now; I have to learn how to open up about things in safe places and no place else.
I would like to get to safe places; these are places of value and sophistication that are up the scale a bit; places I can dump my stuff and my feelings with better quality people.
The real me wants to come back to life and feel again; and its happening; Im crippled; and weak mentally emotionally; its a big deal. Im not all home; but Im home enough to be close; I mean; Im getting closer; what has to happen; I have to come up to speed to become myself; this means; My frequency is very low below the water line; one might say; you get the point! I have to get that low self; separated self; back up; and that happens from scripting and writing new stories about my life and writing to the next gap socially; writing stories about social events and personal conversations as if its all ready happened; over n over n over until its a smooth walk from the outside world into my imagination and out; very comfortable. The goal is; a transition from the low point socially back to the college person I am; back up the ladder; its closer now; and can happen if I keep it up; one area that bugs me much is money; That freaks me out; not having the money to go with the college personality; So; Ill have to go with it and work with the universe; Im not into humiliation; so i don't know what to do. Ill have to keep working with the universe. Possibly, Im doing allot of doomsday thinking and really dont know the outcome of situations. I must remember this and take chances anyway.
Abuse; I know Im going to walk through the mess that caused all this dysfunction; ill have to walk through those years; whats on my mind?, especially, those sexual abuse years and throw away years; where I was thrown asunder for ever; Ill have to re experience those years and deal with them; not looking forward to it; dont know that I can handle that.
Theirs been a problem because of the thoughts I have of middle classism; it comes from my years of 5 to 9 years old; and the people I hung out with; I rejected all of those experiences because those people were never my friends; in fact they were hostile that I was at their house. So; I blocked all memories; now; I have to grow past them; with my new life; In the past; I did not have a new life; I only had those memories; those memories of my past; those memories from 5-8 or 9 with that specific family down the street; a group of people I called my friends; and it was a big big sad mistake; I can feel the tears welling up inside me; for I truly loved those people; I thought they were my family; but they never were. And now; I think the boy who was my friend liked me less then the family did; and I never knew; he thought I was filth, white trash and dumb; when I say dumb; I mean, slave dumb; like I was nothing better then an inferior slave; in fact; thats what the whole family thought of me; they thought I was a nothing; loser that lived down the street with no family. So; they had to make excuses to have me around. But I did not know this at the time. I learned of its importance later; However, the boy would tell me about what his parents talked about at the dinner table and I was listening through the open windows and could here them talk about me and the family system I came from from down the street; and more then once. And when I was in 5th grade they made the comment that my brothers were white trash; interestingly, I never saw my brothers as white anything; They were not trash; I wondered why these people said these things; later I found out they thought I was white trash.
Im somewhat of an innocent person; Im of a high regard. period. So; these people saying negative things about me didnt bother me at first; but I was 2 young to see the signs; I was being talked about because I was not wanted or liked; by the family or the boy I had befriended; in fact; he may have friended me for no other reason then being passive; he may have never wanted to associate with me. In fact; I believe thats true. I wanted to associate with him because I was worth as much as he was; but he thought otherwise. But I didnt know this at the time.
I usually dissociate about all of this; and could not get in touch with what happened; because what happened with that family Ive described is one event of many that happened on that street; a street that was taken away from me and a life taken away from me; so thats just one event and that one event causes such trauma; the rejection of these people; I went into an isolated Stooper.
I lost all things of my identity and support and that kids friendship and house was one of them; why? I had no clue how they felt; I was on the opposite side of the spectrum of reality. I thought he was my best friend; closer then a brother; in reality; theirs a good chance he never liked me the day he met me and didnt want me to come home with him ever. They never valued me ever; and I didnt know; and I spent day after day after day at their house. I would have never done this if I had known. never ever ever ever ever; I only went to their home because I thought I was wanted.
And many other things happened on that street that I must let go of; a street and a neighborhood of people I loved with all my heart; and it was all ripped away from me; only to learn later that I was dealing with the rich; and they never wanted or liked me in that neighborhood; I was 2 young to understand. I was 5 years old at first; from about 5 to 10 or 11 years old; Something like that; it was my home. But I found out later nothing was as it seemed; nothing; so for my sanity to get better; the truth is good enough; I must go through every event and accept that it was not what it seemed; it was not something in my favor or something healthy for me to be apart of; nor was I loved ever by anyone in that neighborhood.
I cannot get close to people because of my dissociative disorder and in order for things to change; I must work through my past and see myself independent in that past; thats the key; for this to happen; I must work through spots of pure dissociation; unfortunately, I went through bad things that are way over my head to deal with; but I have to deal with them. One at a time; and I can feel them; its all about my identity.
My Identity; its all about my identity;
I look back at a time period of something I loved from my past; I can feel the deep connection to my childhood and how it molded me. However, now; because of the place and circumstance and those involved; I must turn on it and see it as negative and dangerous and bad bad bad; something I should run from; get the hell out of their now. Why? Im with the wrong people; people that are not nice; and are not my friends; but I dont know it; Place; where is this taking place; its taking place at someones Grandfathers place; a very beautiful place; Why is this bad; because, if I had not known the person( this fake friend); I would have never been taken to that big house with the river in the back to go fishing; So; I want it all out of my mind; why do I want it out of my mind; because of the association with people that did not like me or care about me and may have never wanted me around them to start with; therefore, I want all memories gone of that place; I want to re script my childhood in a way that was a little bit more lonely but safe from any 2 faced people and their surroundings; memories of being at their houses and their false presence. I want a story as if I had never met them or their relatives or their relatives houses or trips or cars or stay overs or tenting or anything; I want all of it gone; and I want to rewrite my childhood as an alone experience where Im spending more time in school trying to get good grades; possibly in my stories Ill write up about finding someone to be friends with thats a little nicer.. we will see.
Man; can I feel the 7th grade come up when Im writing this stuff; I never got to vent ever.
Just or the note; P.S.; I have a problem befriending the wrong people; almost at the level of dilution; I did this because of loneliness and being neglected. I still do it... Im working on it;

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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