I realized tonight I do not feel worthy enough to get married...
.
.
At a meeting tonight; I screamed out and stomped the floor; " She was my wife"; Ive never said that publicly to anyone before.
.
.
The women thing is picking up... Women are showing up for social reasons. Im starting to interact with them; ask them out for coffee and talk to them like they are my wives and close friends...
.
The women at the meeting; " She is my wife"; Her behavior and her personality is so pathological and broken; Im not sure it can ever be repaired; I dont know; It certainly is in no shape for a relationship for someone like myself. However, her heart; and when I look into her eyes; the connection between us; she is my wife. So; What does that really mean; It means the universe is trying to send the right women for the job.. Traits of a wife are showing up in several different areas and people. This women Im talking about in this paragraph is one example... Not all of her Is workable in a relationship; so; she will not be in a relationship with me; but that does not mean the potential is not their. Potential exists; but the person is in no shape to be around me; in fact; because of the persons pathological state; she is dangerous.
.
I Saw another women at the meetings; she was opening the meetings. Ive known of her but never trusted her; ive been praying for safe women to open up to. This women at the meeting.. Shes becoming my friend. Never thought that would happen and Ive opened up many personal things to her...
.
Another women I saw; she has a truck and we talked and it was closer then its ever been. Ive know her for 5 years? I wanted to ask her out a long time ago... yesterday while getting a ride home. I talked and lectured her about God and recovery. It sounded like a man and wife bickering... I was deep and real and honest.. And I asked her out for coffee; platonically; my choice. I mean; Im not looking for that right now; Im trying to become friends with people and do things together; Im at that social stage again.
.
And many other things happening.
.
One women; had the potential to be my wife.. When I look in her eyes I can see it and she can see it in mine; but it will never be... Not with that monster... but the signs are showing up all over the place and the women that take notice of me and I them; they bring a special quality all their own; and its a marriage quality they are allowing me to experience with them; possibly; one is taking care of me. Another; we are bantering back in forth as if we have been married for 30 years. Another want to give me advice; another sits in front of me while I creatively converse with her in a way that is flirtatious heading toward marriage... Its not going to head toward marriage with any of these people; thats not the point. The point is; the universe is bringing the right people that are safe....that I may practice until I am better.....
.
I got up for a zoom meeting this morning. I text a women for a ride for tonight to another meeting. It didnt used to be like that; I would ride my bike; not text a women for something; thats whats changing...