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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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So close; having a family is the answer

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:18 pm

The answer to the rejection and dejection of my past life is a family! Im an extreme family person of decency! I used to watch TV as a kid; and wanted to belong to a family like the ones on TV! I thought I did. I thought I belonged to a family! I was dead wrong; but I did not know! I had no idea of the unfortunate future that would await me as a disposable throw away!
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Today, What I desire is what I desired as a child! Only this time, I want all past memories gone; for all the memories are of fake people that used me from the first day I met them! I had no idea! but now I know and know better! Thats not happening to me again! However, Ive had to step out completely alone! I mean alone! and nothing is harder; but its possible when God is in charge!
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So, Im slowly getting stronger and up to speed! the biggest challenge is my thinking; it automatically heads back to negative anger from the past; the pics and movie reels of my life come back and replay themselves a thousand times! My goal is to stop going backward; the goal is focus on what I want! In order to do this; I have to cross a bridge or gap of the unknown! This gap is an area of un developed past stuff; questions never answered! I have to face them, fill them in, get rid of what I down want and move on! ITs going to be hard; I can feel it; but Im close! really really ######6 close!
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Im 80% of the way their; However, this journey is made of stone; this means Ive still got a large amount of rock hard resistance to work through, to go!
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One area that freaks me out; when I was very very young; I began to watch TV movies! and watching television all the time; my favorite movies would come on; or they would come on every Saturday or Friday! I had a whole life with history! I would watch the old movies I watched from the beginning of my life! I was really fattened up this way with trust! It was deliberate! meaning, the psychopaths knew exactly; pin point accuracy of what they were doing; and they knew where it was all leading; they knew when they had kids they were going to destroy them; They would use those children; exploit them; groom them into believing everything was alright; get the childs walls down; get their trust, then suddenly pull the rug on them and destroy them permanently! They were murder's! One can murder a child in many ways! Understand that these were educated people!, they are not going to physically kill the children themselves and burry them under the house; their to smart for that; they could loose their jobs! These type of monsters plan everything out! They destroy children to get back at society, Its also a thrill of contempt based power. They want to prove they are above the laws of man. They have a contempt for society and see its people as pray to be fed on! If the psychopath is lucky enough to get their hands on children; they figure its OK to destroy them; its societies fault for allowing it in the first place; just another example of how inferior society is; thats how they think!
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Im trying to get over the gap of when I was thrown away! The idea is; I was thrown away, now I'm trying to get on my feet again. I have goals like anyone else! I want to love my life and be happy like anyone else; thats what Im working toward!
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Ive done allot of work!
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Im getting closer to seeing the gap for what is; brooks and rivers, and Im close to filling in the gaps! When this happens; I can feel it, and then Ill build a bridge across it and walk across this bridge to the next level of focus for my life!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/clinical Depression
lighter forms of agoraphobia
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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