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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Slowly moving out of childhood; accepting!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri May 19, 2017 5:39 pm

Im slowly moving out of or away from childhood! The child is or has moved in with me in the present; still sore and beat up; he is with me now; not trapped in the past; as the past is a set of mis guided memories! I don't believe in them anymore! Knowing what I know about the people of the past; theirs no one to remember; and I had no relationships with anyone; not really!
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Im guessing I was suffering from forms of beginning dissociative disorder at that time! I remember the beginning of fantasizing and dissociation; this was occurring at age 4 and 5 and 6! After this, things start getting worse and strange!
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Im guessing; for my survival as a child; I had to make people out to be good people; it gave me a chance to believe I could survive. Unfortunately, I was wrong!
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One of the biggest blunt tragedy was my best friend; I felt closer then a brother! I was completely mistaken. I truly believe at the base of this was dissociation problems; their are signs that I was trying to make the outside environment into something when it wasn't friendly! If I could imagine everything was fine; it would be! Thats how I saw things! I got my hope from watching Tv movies!
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The reality; I had no best friend! Im guessing the mother of my friend allowed me to associate with him when very young because it would help him socially! They wanted nothing to do with me; meaning, I had no value to them. I assumed, as a small child that they liked me! I was wrong! I was wrong to think they ever liked me or thought of me as anything more then a stranger! I found my friend in school, in the first grade, I walked up to him; not the other way around! If I had not gone up to him; we would have never known each other! This is extremely important! Something else that is important; I was not invited to their home; I think I called him or went home with him one day from school; the reality was; he never really invited me! and never planned on it! The mother allowed me, as a very small boy, to show up and hang out! I was a latchkey kid but never knew it! also, the family of this kid was allowing me to hang out; not the boy! it wasn't his idea! What Im trying to suggest is; he was never really much of a friend of mine; I was more of a convenience! I created him into my best friend through my imagination! later, evidence suggests I was hated by these people; I was hated because I was an outsider from the beginning, intruding on their lives; they were well do to people and didnt need a 5 year old kid from down the street hanging out with them! They never liked me or wanted me their; they were rich and did not need me at their house! later, I went to live with them; it was a horrible mistake; a nightmare! I was treated less then a zoo animal; this indicates a few things; first, the mother finds an excuse to allow me to live with them; I will social their son for college; that was the reason; it was not because they liked me or didn't like me! I meant nothing to them; they could care less if they ever saw me again! They never wanted to see me in the first place! Im trying to make a point. I honestly think her Christian guilt complex kicked in! " What would others think if she didnt present herself as a perfect christian housewife business owner helping the evil scum kid that needed a home or place to stay! I wasn't young at that time; meaning I was 16 going on 17; or 17?, I was extremely mentally ill and PTSD was a giant massive problem! No one cared; no one asked! No one said a word to me when I showed up! they acted like; the rooms upstairs! we dont really want you here, but your hear, and you some how got back into our lives and we never really wanted you here! I was their because it made them look holy! I dont know! I dont care; the whole experience was more bulling and hatred and abused; but from a different perspective! these were intelligent well educated people who didnt care what happened to me or how I felt or was treated! later they would kick me out claiming I was living off them! They never came to me and asked me why I was their in the first place! strange and bizarre! but I was no friend! and that was the only reason I wanted to live with them; I thought they were my friends! they were never my friends!
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The point Im trying to make; Something was wrong with me! I was trying to align with myself but it was getting worse; and I was not hanging around the right people; but I didn't know it! I was around extremely bad arrogant people! Today, when I find myself around these people, I back away slowly! When I find myself around these middle class, upper middle class christian people; I stay clear of them; their little world works only when you have the money to be in their neighborhoods!
I don't believe they actually know anything about God or care; for them, its about the way of life they have; and enriched way of life and a plastic Jesus doll to go with it! Honestly, I really don't care!
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The gaol is personal alignment so I can get back on track; a track a family system was suppose to help me with; instead they abandon and destroyed me as they had planned to. They were using children for sport!
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The goal is to " get over" or whip-out the past; align with self and come back to reality! Lots of false lies and places of the past I was forced into!
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I had a flash of one of my step fathers; he was defending himself while I was yelling at him or standing up for myself with my mother next to him; she had moved to the other side of the state and found a new man to manipulate! He took the bait! I remember looking at him, telling him about the sexual abuse I went through! they didnt care! he mentioned how I had chosen not to live with my mother in the past or that it was my choice to come and live with him and her; they said it in a way that was so sinister; As if a underaged person is not suppose to be with their mother! or their mother is not suppose to be with them! She moved and abandon her children found a new man on the other side of the state! Could he not see this; it was sitting in front of him! Would he not ask the simple question of why her children were not with her; this is the type of upper middle class weaklings she would find! Did it on purpose! I was left abandon and confused! not now; I know what she is and what her goals were! just a monster waring masks! The guy is extremely pathetic and evil in his weakness; worthless and scary! I had no place to go; no mother, no father; nothing; and no on cared!
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..
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Where Im at now;
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Im slowly learning how to align with God again! The past is slowly worked out like poison! In the middle of full dissociative disorder, I had full amnesia and non of what Im writing was possible! I was disconnected from everything within myself!
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Im learning to let go of the old family system and never return; that is the goal; and its getting closer! I have to align with God and get stronger; create my own reality and my own universe! build my dreams back; work with God to build again; this time without the people of the past; they were never my friends in the first place!
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Im looking foward to meeting new people!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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