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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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slowly coming back to normal

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 22, 2016 10:52 pm

outside; Im on the move; the move from the 12 step groups to outside! I went outside today as a new person! Ive never been like this since 11 years old! or 10 years old!

I was equal with everyone when I was down town! no one was better then me! I was just another person; I was on my bikes! Im a mountain biker! Ive had about 12 bikes! I own 6 at the moment! Im always on a bike; always! so, Im down town on the side walk on my small wheel commuter bike! and I realize, Im just as good as anyone! Im present with everyone! its not perfect! my body is not responding yet!

I cant explain what this is like! Im in alignment with self enough to at-least resemble when I was young! and the inside of me is cleared out! Im not worried about the past; not really! The past is becoming nothing more then a mental organ; as a part of the memory system! it does not represent anything real! not anymore! Im not interested in getting my needs met from within my mind! Im interested in getting my needs met from the outside world!

I mean; I have to go out into the world and relive and deal with it , knowing the past is gone and I never got what I wanted from it! its horrible what I was put through! Im still alive! Im grateful for another chance; and that chance is upon me!

All things I wanted as a child, can happen now! if I want them to! I can be who ever I want to be! Im a decent guy! if I want to act decent I can!

I have very little resentments if any! Ive worked through all that stuff! Im starting new again! a new person! I still have resentment! a deeper kind! a core type that will flesh out at a moment when Im heading in new directions! Ill deal with the pain! then it will slowly disappear as I deal with them! Im heading back to being outside!

Im equal with others! Im barely equal with others! Im getting their! Im their! Im beat up bad! really really bad mentally, emotionally, psychologically! but my mind and nervous system are clearing!

We will see!

Its a whole new world; and the old dreams are awake! I remember them! I understand that no one is around like before! but I am! Im around still! And maybe all I need to proceed forward! I don't need anyone this time! Ive worked through this stuff without their help! IVe gotten outside help! and now I feel better! I don't dissociate like I used to!

Its still hard having people come up close in front of me; it freaks me out!

Its a start; even the way I interact with people is different! Im more open now! I don't have the hatred I did from before!

Its weird; its like being let out of the hospital to roam around the streets! its the first time in years!

My life has been one long 12 step meeting for 20 years! combined with the massive psychological state help and private therapists and groups; and its worked! Im back! Im ######6 beat up, but Im back! and I don't know what to think!

Im scared to death that I was get destroyed again in society! that I was get over my head and over ran emotionally!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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