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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (918)
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- June 2019
Lonely and still here
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:32 am
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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slowly coming back to normal

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 22, 2016 10:52 pm

outside; Im on the move; the move from the 12 step groups to outside! I went outside today as a new person! Ive never been like this since 11 years old! or 10 years old!

I was equal with everyone when I was down town! no one was better then me! I was just another person; I was on my bikes! Im a mountain biker! Ive had about 12 bikes! I own 6 at the moment! Im always on a bike; always! so, Im down town on the side walk on my small wheel commuter bike! and I realize, Im just as good as anyone! Im present with everyone! its not perfect! my body is not responding yet!

I cant explain what this is like! Im in alignment with self enough to at-least resemble when I was young! and the inside of me is cleared out! Im not worried about the past; not really! The past is becoming nothing more then a mental organ; as a part of the memory system! it does not represent anything real! not anymore! Im not interested in getting my needs met from within my mind! Im interested in getting my needs met from the outside world!

I mean; I have to go out into the world and relive and deal with it , knowing the past is gone and I never got what I wanted from it! its horrible what I was put through! Im still alive! Im grateful for another chance; and that chance is upon me!

All things I wanted as a child, can happen now! if I want them to! I can be who ever I want to be! Im a decent guy! if I want to act decent I can!

I have very little resentments if any! Ive worked through all that stuff! Im starting new again! a new person! I still have resentment! a deeper kind! a core type that will flesh out at a moment when Im heading in new directions! Ill deal with the pain! then it will slowly disappear as I deal with them! Im heading back to being outside!

Im equal with others! Im barely equal with others! Im getting their! Im their! Im beat up bad! really really bad mentally, emotionally, psychologically! but my mind and nervous system are clearing!

We will see!

Its a whole new world; and the old dreams are awake! I remember them! I understand that no one is around like before! but I am! Im around still! And maybe all I need to proceed forward! I don't need anyone this time! Ive worked through this stuff without their help! IVe gotten outside help! and now I feel better! I don't dissociate like I used to!

Its still hard having people come up close in front of me; it freaks me out!

Its a start; even the way I interact with people is different! Im more open now! I don't have the hatred I did from before!

Its weird; its like being let out of the hospital to roam around the streets! its the first time in years!

My life has been one long 12 step meeting for 20 years! combined with the massive psychological state help and private therapists and groups; and its worked! Im back! Im ######6 beat up, but Im back! and I don't know what to think!

Im scared to death that I was get destroyed again in society! that I was get over my head and over ran emotionally!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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