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Similarities of the wrong therapist

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:37 am

Ive noticed something; since the time of being thrown away as a child; I have attempted to find new places much like those people I lived with as a child!
I was thinking while writing this; Ive seen a therapist that didnt work out for me! it usually doesn't happen like this! This person was rich or well to do; and I have problems with rich people when young; I suppose my comments did not come of well with this person concerning the rich! I got mad; the therapist tried to cut my story down so the rich could not be blamed! She waited while I was talking to find an in; she found it then proceeded to cross examine my words and switch their meanings! Im an intelligent man; such things are silly! The problem was; I trusted her! And I was mad that I was going through this! At another time when I was spilling my guts or talking about my pain or letting out my emotions; she leaned upward in her chair, like it was a high chair, and with an arrogant grin, began to read something in front of me, as if she wasn't going to listen! Like she was in a high chair! I sat their confused and stunned! She did not seem to be helping me or concealing me and could care less!
Suddenly it hit me! What am I doing in her office! Is she a good therapist with other people! maybe! but with me; it didnt work! was it childish on her part; yes; but who said she wasn't childish before I walked in the room! was it unprofessional; yes; However, I wasn't paying anything! I show'd up once a month!
I suppose it helped; it did, but their was no therapy! Not much! my story had no value to her; she didnt want to here it! The fact that I was telling the truth had no value to her; she could care less who I was!
Who's got the problem here; her or me! I do?, Why would I go back to this person or go through this in the first place! I actually knew better to start with; I could have walked away. I end up around people that treat me badly, like they did when I was young! But when they start denying my story; thats enough; Im finished! but why be with someone like this in the first place! or around someone like this!
The 12 step groups I go to! its the same thing! they are limited! Im not around middle class people; so theirs not allot for me to talk about at a personal level! Why do I keep going back expecting something personal or social! I dont fit in!
Im constantly finding myself in places I dont fit in and never finding my self in places I can fit in!
One problem is economic and PTSD! Ive not known how to break back into the middle world of people when on disability! PTSD puts me in the trauma class!
Im trying to break out of this codependency of finding myself around the wrong people that have no value for me! Im finding myself around people that cant value me; its 2 much for them! Im around people that want to act superior and want inferiors around them; why would I want to be placed in the interior roll with these people; for what reason! I went through this all through junior high and high school, and from 2nd grade to 6th grade!
Im curious of how to break out of this! I know how; I know how to change my thinking and Im working on it! I have this strange feeling of security around the wrong crowd of people! I find myself around these shallow people and then am stunned when thy dont accept me for who I am! And Im not able to move up the latter to better people! and I dont know why! limited beliefs I guess! lack of plans?
Im not a real popular person in the world! no one knows me! Ive had a bad reputation with many regular people; all prejudice; they have no idea who or what I am; its all made up nonsense! Yet, its dangerous; their hatred for me or prejudice is real and they will act on these lies! The danger is not physical; its word of mouth, or relational aggression!
I would like to find a better level community of people! Im scared because Im afraid of letting go of what I have; LOL! how funny! my insecurities are not funny, but still! I have nothing! and letting go of nothing is very hard! Im afraid of letting go of the familiar!
A gap resides between me and where I need to be!~ and i know how to work on gaps! I've studied!
My life is about hiding and getting relief, not much living! Im scared to live, massive PSTD hits in every direction when ever I start moving forward in my thinking!
The real problem is; why am I stuck around the wrong people! Why not simply find better ones!
I have the classic abused syndrome! Im around an abuser until my self worth and self esteem is destroyed, then I loose my identity and believe I cant function on my own; I become dependent on the abuser and adapt and people please and never leave! And their you have it! Im trying to hang on to something that in my denial that does not exist anymore! Im hanging around the wrong gang of people expecting different results from these people when they were never qualified to be around me in the first place; not at a personal level! Am i so desperate and have so few resources that i have to be around the same people all the time; I guess so! My world is that of a broken 4 year old that cant leave the park!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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