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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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- October 2019
Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm

Im watching the Japanese Tsunami; tales of specific Japanese professionals and workers who dealt with the tsunami. Im watching and listening to the professionals. Im seeing their stories and camera footage. And as I watch; Im seeing myself in these people; through these people. Im watching details of intelligent independent people and how they act and what they do and how they interact with the environment; And when I watch them; I see myself. Or see what Im going to when I grow up; an urban professional. How will this happen; we will see; the universe will help me create it in my imagination and then thoughts become things; My dream starts showing up.
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Im slowly working my way out of those people Ive been dependent on that I must bow down to. Im slowly working away from those I must compromise my values... Ill people must do many things to survive.
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Im slowly rising above the marginal in society; finding my way back to solid ground within society. Its starts outside myself; it starts inside myself.
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Im slowly being transformed back into a city man; a regular person; but If I go back in I must have a new brain; new thinking about it; a positive attitude; much like the young; who only see the future. I was never allowed to see the future; it was banished from me; so; it will be my first time at living.. When a small child I developed dreams on my own; I did not know I was going to be destroyed and separated from myself; but I was.
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Im not ready yet; Im still dissociative; but in my imagination things are changing; my imagination is growing and from that; things are happening in the real world. and the old is showing up again as a new experience; Im able to revisit the old and re live it. very strange and interesting. Very powerful; very important;
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So; 50 years ago; I was at *mod edit*; its a camp ground area; part of *mod edit* river... Its a vacation spot. A beautiful magical place... All grass and picnic areas leading downward to the docks and sandy area to swim; a gulf; very small for swimming and docks for boats... And all kinds of camping area in this park.... And a train that goes by very close; every few hours.
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I was their yesterday; and I prepared for this; no one I went with knew this; Did not really know me well enough or what I was doing their. I wandered; I walked all over and I looked and imagined; and saw myself as a 5 year old. and relived it in my mind. But when walking around and looking; I was not just reliving; I was newly living; it was a brand new experience. and I was back; back as a new me. And I walk the same paths as I did as a kid. But its a new me; so; I accomplished 2 things. I worked on the past as well as creating new headway for the beginning of a new life in the present. It was a fantastic journey; it was also sad; but Im so used to sadness; I don't feel it like I used to; anymore. And Im back; but not totally back; but I am; but Im damaged.
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Im finding that; when ive experiences a success as I did yesterday; it leaves clues; I can do it again; I can imagine Im at some other destination and translate the positive that I learned from my last successes to this new desire to create success. .
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The new me was brought back to this location by the universe to live, cry, and learn again from what I learned from when a kid and what I can learn now.
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The death of the old and the beginning of the new.
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Im slowly working my way out of the recovery process back into my real life... Those years of horror and mental illness; Im slowly finding my way back to civilization; back to being intelligent and thinking about intelligent things and peoples and ways that intelligent people live their lives at higher levels or decent levels.
The most important issue is what Im looking for; probably that a new person is inside of me and has been developed and is now shedding the old me. The new me is looking for ways to get stronger and bigger and faster and come back to society; Im less afraid; Im still hurt and not back yet.
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Im getting hints of what to be when I stop hurting and I come back to reality; what do I want to be when I grow up.
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I know I have many new experiences of old experiences to experiences. Im going to experiences the old ways and places; and the universe will bring me back to these places and I will relive them. I will continue to work on the universe for such things.
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Ive talked about a girl friend and the problem with a girl friend; the problem is; Im not old enough. first I must become an 8 year old; much like when I was 8 years old. And come back to being myself whole and safe; and then experience the type of experiences I would have experiences of my ideas of 8 year old; and work my way up the latter of development as I would have when young. And find the type of women that is respectful.
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So; I have defined what Im going to do; or what is happening; Im must get back all my memories of the past and how i felt; and the universe is doing this for me; and its a big deal.
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The universe is bringing back situations for me to re experience the old or the past as a new experience and as a new person; a happy whole person; to a practical level.
Im attempting to be present and not dissociative; of course; can this be done; I don't know. Can it be done enough; yes; its already happened.
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Im very submissive right now in the recovery process to survive it; I go quietly and wait until Im better that I can get out and go back to living my life.
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Ive mentioned in these blogs how hard it is to create art; at some point when I feel Im back up into society at a higher level and my thinking is present and not on whats happened to me ate age 8 or 3 or 14 or 12-13 or 17-18; And Im healing and working toward the present and future; at that point when Im more present; all of me; my mind on the future and the present; now; and my mind is where I want it to be; it will not be hard for me to make art. My mind will be present and easy to make art because my mind sees a different future... a better future. A future where Im back and not passive aggressive.

I will feel safer and able to trust that I wont be around clowns as I was when young...
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ITs happening for me...
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Things are changing.
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I am dissociative; and this is a problem; However, when being pulled back into the past; a past I miss; the universe is creating new opportunities for me to revisit those physical places now; and relive a new experience at those places similar to when I was young; and literally start over; or blue print something new on the old.
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Im here now; allot of me; or enough of me; but I need more; their is a major area of pain and torment and dissociation in me; and its causing de personalization of everything at a specific degree once triggered.
My goal is to work through it; its like looking at the world through a glass coke bottle.
My goal is to work through de personalization and come back to the present. And I will do my best to make this happen.
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Its all in my imagination; that is where all things start. I must see what I want in my imagination first and then watch the universe create a way to it.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Aug 12, 2019 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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