Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm

Im watching the Japanese Tsunami; tales of specific Japanese professionals and workers who dealt with the tsunami. Im watching and listening to the professionals. Im seeing their stories and camera footage. And as I watch; Im seeing myself in these people; through these people. Im watching details of intelligent independent people and how they act and what they do and how they interact with the environment; And when I watch them; I see myself. Or see what Im going to when I grow up; an urban professional. How will this happen; we will see; the universe will help me create it in my imagination and then thoughts become things; My dream starts showing up.
Im slowly working my way out of those people Ive been dependent on that I must bow down to. Im slowly working away from those I must compromise my values... Ill people must do many things to survive.
Im slowly rising above the marginal in society; finding my way back to solid ground within society. Its starts outside myself; it starts inside myself.
Im slowly being transformed back into a city man; a regular person; but If I go back in I must have a new brain; new thinking about it; a positive attitude; much like the young; who only see the future. I was never allowed to see the future; it was banished from me; so; it will be my first time at living.. When a small child I developed dreams on my own; I did not know I was going to be destroyed and separated from myself; but I was.
Im not ready yet; Im still dissociative; but in my imagination things are changing; my imagination is growing and from that; things are happening in the real world. and the old is showing up again as a new experience; Im able to revisit the old and re live it. very strange and interesting. Very powerful; very important;
So; 50 years ago; I was at *mod edit*; its a camp ground area; part of *mod edit* river... Its a vacation spot. A beautiful magical place... All grass and picnic areas leading downward to the docks and sandy area to swim; a gulf; very small for swimming and docks for boats... And all kinds of camping area in this park.... And a train that goes by very close; every few hours.
I was their yesterday; and I prepared for this; no one I went with knew this; Did not really know me well enough or what I was doing their. I wandered; I walked all over and I looked and imagined; and saw myself as a 5 year old. and relived it in my mind. But when walking around and looking; I was not just reliving; I was newly living; it was a brand new experience. and I was back; back as a new me. And I walk the same paths as I did as a kid. But its a new me; so; I accomplished 2 things. I worked on the past as well as creating new headway for the beginning of a new life in the present. It was a fantastic journey; it was also sad; but Im so used to sadness; I don't feel it like I used to; anymore. And Im back; but not totally back; but I am; but Im damaged.
Im finding that; when ive experiences a success as I did yesterday; it leaves clues; I can do it again; I can imagine Im at some other destination and translate the positive that I learned from my last successes to this new desire to create success. .
The new me was brought back to this location by the universe to live, cry, and learn again from what I learned from when a kid and what I can learn now.
The death of the old and the beginning of the new.
Im slowly working my way out of the recovery process back into my real life... Those years of horror and mental illness; Im slowly finding my way back to civilization; back to being intelligent and thinking about intelligent things and peoples and ways that intelligent people live their lives at higher levels or decent levels.
The most important issue is what Im looking for; probably that a new person is inside of me and has been developed and is now shedding the old me. The new me is looking for ways to get stronger and bigger and faster and come back to society; Im less afraid; Im still hurt and not back yet.
Im getting hints of what to be when I stop hurting and I come back to reality; what do I want to be when I grow up.
I know I have many new experiences of old experiences to experiences. Im going to experiences the old ways and places; and the universe will bring me back to these places and I will relive them. I will continue to work on the universe for such things.
Ive talked about a girl friend and the problem with a girl friend; the problem is; Im not old enough. first I must become an 8 year old; much like when I was 8 years old. And come back to being myself whole and safe; and then experience the type of experiences I would have experiences of my ideas of 8 year old; and work my way up the latter of development as I would have when young. And find the type of women that is respectful.
So; I have defined what Im going to do; or what is happening; Im must get back all my memories of the past and how i felt; and the universe is doing this for me; and its a big deal.
The universe is bringing back situations for me to re experience the old or the past as a new experience and as a new person; a happy whole person; to a practical level.
Im attempting to be present and not dissociative; of course; can this be done; I don't know. Can it be done enough; yes; its already happened.
Im very submissive right now in the recovery process to survive it; I go quietly and wait until Im better that I can get out and go back to living my life.
Ive mentioned in these blogs how hard it is to create art; at some point when I feel Im back up into society at a higher level and my thinking is present and not on whats happened to me ate age 8 or 3 or 14 or 12-13 or 17-18; And Im healing and working toward the present and future; at that point when Im more present; all of me; my mind on the future and the present; now; and my mind is where I want it to be; it will not be hard for me to make art. My mind will be present and easy to make art because my mind sees a different future... a better future. A future where Im back and not passive aggressive.

I will feel safer and able to trust that I wont be around clowns as I was when young...
ITs happening for me...
Things are changing.
I am dissociative; and this is a problem; However, when being pulled back into the past; a past I miss; the universe is creating new opportunities for me to revisit those physical places now; and relive a new experience at those places similar to when I was young; and literally start over; or blue print something new on the old.
Im here now; allot of me; or enough of me; but I need more; their is a major area of pain and torment and dissociation in me; and its causing de personalization of everything at a specific degree once triggered.
My goal is to work through it; its like looking at the world through a glass coke bottle.
My goal is to work through de personalization and come back to the present. And I will do my best to make this happen.
Its all in my imagination; that is where all things start. I must see what I want in my imagination first and then watch the universe create a way to it.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Aug 12, 2019 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1503 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], DoDecaDon, Duglascoj, Duglasxcy, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Irdkhelp, Marvinger