April 2024
March 2024
Im getting more then getting better; Signs of sustained mental health are appearing.
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Im starting to come out of the contusions of areas of smashed mental unawareness... The world was a contusion.
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As I entered mental illness and I still remember it over n over and different stages of others putting me more to sleep as they injected me with boundary violations over n over n over; torture...
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I am now officially showing signs of coming out of it.... That is good.
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What does it look like; it looks like; coming back to normal. The word sanity is used for those who have been insane. The word Normal is used for those who no longer fit into using vocabulary of altered states.
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So; Im sustaining on my own. Im sustaining a fragment of personality. Im sustaining... This means no more victim; no need for it... doesn't exist... no need for it.
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Just a beginning; Signs are showing up of me taking care of myself. Im not blaming anyone. Im not going back into the past during those traumatic times I need to make a decision and follow through to get me out of a crisis situation. Im not blaming anyone for the crisis situation. Im taking my time and thoughts to get out of the crisis situation; Im not blaming my mother and father during that new crisis situation; only because Ive done the work and been successful at the work to help me make my own decisions during a crisis situation and not turn to the past; but that is luck that Ive made it this Fare in the recovery world. Lucky me; Im Healing; after a long period....
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Sign dont lie. Im healing....
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I will wait and see. Its all starting to show up... Its showing up fast...
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Its strange. Things change within a few days; its like thousands of days poor out at once upon a new landscape of a new time and place and a new me; they poor out like a flood; It all changes within a few days. All the manifestations I want to happen; hundreds of them flowing like a river; spilling out into a new life; all at once; thousands of them within a few days; thickness of water; water of manifestations; all spilling out within a few days... one after the other after the other after the other.... Like breaking through a wall.... Not going on a long journey this time. No journey; just braking through time; through a time barrier onto the other side of dreams; into a new dream... Like breaking down a wall and walking into a new life.
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Its real; facts are facts.
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However, Ive been around for a while; and this is going to take awhile. And lots more work. So; Ill be reporting on it.
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I feel like a scientist under the microscope who has discovered something in the plankton life on the colored glass slide of microbes Im looking at; I see life; its happening... Ive discovered it; but what does it mean. And I know things will never be the same; Im starting to come out of it.
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However, Ive been around. no cutt-zeis- everything has to be fair. No es-pounding on achievements before Ive earned them. So; like a scientist; Im showing up and explaining my discoveries and awarenesses. Its happening..... Their is life beyond the dissociated trauma being. But much worse then this... their is life beyond the sentence of death I was given. Now their is life.... Im not going back. and it is becoming the past...... Im grabbing onto the future and moving on; developing what I need in my imagination and the future and going for it.
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But not yet; but yes... but not yet... Im a scientist looking through the microscope and Im seeing something; something is moving... Its me... Im moving; Im alive again; I see it; its life.
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Im showing beginning signs of normalsee- This is a person who reemerges back up; bounces back and is here again. So; Ive experienced it for real; for a moment. But still my head is a fog of other voices and flashbacks and its messed up on time periods. part of me emerging is of a time period as a child and that Child is not aware that its 2021; The last thing he knew; he was watching cartoons at home and here I am now. So; hes Ok. I mean; He has to get used to it; the new time period and despond on me that Ill keep the ship strait while he stays afloat.
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So; Im working with God on a new environment; the right one. And Ill have to keep at it. One rule; things come to me. if they dont; they were never meant for me; they will show up if they are meant for me; if not; they wont. So; Ill keep working on what I want down Gods pathways and see what or who shows up. Im the creator. We will see... We will see what comes down Gods pathways to protect me... See what I want coming down my path... or; these days; whom,.
Today; its about whom comes down my path that Im in full control creating.
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I have to keep working on the Childs desires; the child in me started out middle class; wanted what all middle class kids want but was neglected of and never developed in; so; I had to dream and watched allot of TV to take the place of a mother and father. And got all my hope from TV movies and shows... That was my reality for the future. unfortunately it become my reality for the present.
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So; I have to learn how to handle the present; what Im suppose to do with it; for a second or glance; I saw the 8 year old in me wanting to go do eight year old stuff; and that might be a great place to start. But Ill talk to God about it. The idea is; to start out at a level and then stay at that frequency; and grow but stay at that high level frequency; dont drop. How can that be done and where do I start. That I will take to God...
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So the Question is; where do I start. Cant say it any better; what does that mean; it means I have to accept or get my frequency back to a high sustainable level of stability; and start there; How is that done; thats the work with God slowly taking me on a journey where Im at connecting with the present on to new situations that will strengthen me back to an independent way or place and once back; I start their from that launching pad. I just keep going down energy river; dont touch anything; keep my hands of the Oar's of the boat. Its about taking chances right now; from my eye sight to my hands reaching out to what I want... its practice. For such things were dangerous before and I was traumatized and ruptured to the point I could not reach out from where Im at; I had to keep my hands off everything; I was everyones enemy; I had no friends; non of those people were on my side. No one cared who I was; nothing. I meant nothing to everyone; so; now; As I get a little more stable. and those people are all gone. now what? How do I take my first steps forward in the outside world; I mean; literally; what are they and where and where to be safe doing it and what are the steps that will help my journey move forward my development...
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I can start by visualizing what I want;. or ill start writing; Ill write free hand. meaning; just pick the subject and let the pen freely move and see what shows up; and keep taking it to God; once I get some ideas; Ill visualize Im doing it over n over and write new scenes of it as if its already happened and Ill believe its going to show up for me in the real world and see what happens. Ill start with that..
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