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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Signs of handling reality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

More looking on the past. Mainly the same as other blogs but this time with a bit of a twist concerting getting better. But; its the same stuff I always talk about and feel like I want to review.
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I remember when very young and I wanted to work in that corner business down town; I was a little kid. I had all kinds of plans. Later I would meet those people and befriend their son; they would move their shop to a new location and were prominent people in town; I would be at that shop several times a week with my friend; he had to work in the green houses. Looking back; I had no idea he was not my friend. I was just a son; there for laughs and boredom. But I did not know; I was a nice child; a really nice sensitive kid. really normal and nice; innocent. Really nice; I loved the Monkeys and The Beatles and flipper... And Star Trek the original series; it came on every Friday night at 8.
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I went by that shop on my bike again today; empty; foreclosed; dark and quite; No one around; no one to be seen; I looked in the windows and I see myself as a child with my friend while the place was busy. Now; its a ghost building. I rode around back and looked through the back door; I used to hang out their behind their and play with my friend.
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He had a big family. 5 sisters and Grandparents and aunts and uncles; I met some of them; would go fishing at his grandparents house when young.
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Now; nothing; I spent allot of my time as a child at their house; Now; Ill never see any of them again as if I never met them. And they dont care. Im sure they see me riding my bike all the time; but they dont care.
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Why dont they care; because I was never really a friend of any of theirs; all fair weathered friends. I Never knew.
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How do you get over such a loss as this; Theirs no closer; Nothing. Most of my young childhood was spent in their big back yard staying over night in their tents or catching bees in the morning with jars. They didn't mind because I was socializing their son; But I didn't know this. I thought I was loved and accepted as an equal. But I wasn't but never knew. The rest of them knew. all the sister knew. I had history at that house. I saw all his sister almost naked at times Long before their husband would; of course; I was 5 years old.
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I had history with them; but they had no history with me; I meant nothing to them. Nothing. I never knew. I was not wanted and they thought they were better then I was. They made the comment that I was trash to their son; this was in first grade and again when I was in 4th or 5th grade; I did not understand; comment that my brothers were trash; I did not understand what that meant or why someone would say that; later I would learn all to well.
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I went by that building today where their shop was located; I had no history with them; I thought I did; but I did not; I had my own history with them... But they never knew.
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Now; Im starting to get over them as I wake up from dissociative disorder; a condition they helped cause.
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Im now getting over them. They are becoming part of a bad past that's in the past as Im in the present walking on my 2 feet. How horrible to do this to a child. But; they did this to their own children and some of they grandchildren. it was not just me. But my friend was never a friend. I did not know. I thought I meant something to him; that I was his best friend; I was wrong. And that breaks my heart. But I had made an incident mistake in first grade by meeting this person in the first place; God has shown me what I was suppose to do if I could re enact it; I was to enter the room; see this boy up front and suddenly; leave him be; he was not my friend. Go the other direction; and in my imagination and in my writings; I go to the left and sit in the far corner of the room... I am always re writing my past on paper.
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About 15 years ago; I invited myself over for Christmas at their house; It was a God thing; I knew what I was getting into. I was doing it on purpose; God wanted to show me what I had feared; So I went over; This time I was myself forcing them to treat me with respect; they did not; and I knew they would not; they treated me like I was a circus clown or a tramp in a zoo or lower then a zoo animal. it was truly horrifying and amazing at the same time. I was a complete stranger. They treated me with hostility and contempt as an outsider that was not wanted. I simply watched and observed; Gods orders. And observe I did. Finally, I walked up to my friend up close as I had been treated like I was a zoo animal; almost like I was stupid.
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My friend; 6 inches in front of my face treated me like I was an in-bred lower form of a zoo animal; this person was well educated and a high position in a company. Still; I was amazed at how he treated me; I was not just heart broken; but amazed because I was seeing someone with no conscious; I had to stop and look at that for a minute. And I realized; this truly was a stranger; he had no conscious; more like pathological high end yuppy; as they used to call them years ago in the ancient days. This means; I had no idea who this was as a boy or his experience at this house or who these people really were. They didn't want me there; never did. It was like a second home for me; It was like home; like my home; thats how much time I spent their. later; I found out the hard way I was never wanted. And I was friends of no one.
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The point was; when I went to visit 15 years ago; I was not wanted there; but I already knew this; this time I got to see it completely in front of my face and observe it from a position after being in recovery for 10 years. I had a sponsor; I had God and I had a a large amount of 12 step meetings and therapist; I was not alone.
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I would not only go to my friends house; but I would do the same thing to my past family system; I would visit them as well; not telling them the real reason I was their; I was their to witness what God had revealed to me of what they really were; And I did; and I was not wanted their either. My father was the same way; I was not wanted their either; but I had been away from him for some time. I was not wanted at my brothers house either; this crucified me at first until I came to and was in recovery; and later realized this was a sociopath; a sadistic sociopath.
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In the present;
So; Im now coming out of that mental comma and starting to come back to sanity a bit. I dont need my friend or his family as much as I used to; Im now getting over it; over what happened. I had no closer; it was a cruel thing to do to someone; especially an innocent child.
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The point is; Im starting to come back on my feet. I can walk by their old home and almost be done with it; not quit. I can walk by their old business and almost be done with it but not quit. its truly horrible; its like I was In a war and these people were killed and are no more and Im left with only memories. Or I was killed of from that life and left with only memories; but God will see otherwise.
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My neighborhood was the same and my house; I lost both of those. However, God has brought me back into the neighborhood and to ride by the house and the adjoining houses next to my old house. and I get to ride by slowly and look where I used to play and hide all the the time and play with all the other kids in the neighborhood. And its all working; I feel at home In my old neighborhood. And Ill ride around their allot more times until it feels like home again; until I feel strong and steady that Im back in my neighborhood. And once I get used to it enough; Ill feel better and safe to let go of it a little bit and move on; and its working; and heading toward that goal. Little by little I grow and feel safe and get stronger when I go through my old neighborhood. Ive also been watching the TV shows I watched as a boy.
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God has allowed me to remember again; my life in that house; my neighborhood house and I'm remembering what I was doing in that house; all the details and my young life before I was murder'd out of it; to never return.
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So; Im getting used to it; it is happening; its all; and I mean all ran by God. All of this. I had amnesia to the point that my childhood was severed from me just like being be headed brutally and severely with no remorse and no one cared if I was ever seen again.
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The meeting in the present in the recovery process;
Right now; I hang out with several flunkies from meetings; not all of them; not all; many are good people; but some are fakes fronting like their my friends as if Im a fool they can take advantage of; and I use them at time for attention and not to be alone and they take advantage of it but dont seem to know I know. and that is ok for now. As I get better I will slowly disappear from them... And Im getting better.
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Pick something to get better; I choose Art.
My goal is art; to have an art expedition; because I know this is a huge sign of coming back into life and reality; in fact its a complete sign of me being back on my feet again in the present; dealt with the past and moving into the future toward things I look forward to. and Im getting really close; I can feel it. The universe is helping me wake up and come back to the present.
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The next big area is the art work; Im not their yet; I can feel the cold resistance; I have to pass through more tests to start that; Im still dissociating; become more present and feel safe and more of the past out of the way; Im not what that looks like; I have to be stronger. We will see.
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So; I dont think it will take all that long before Im in the present and creating art.
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I had relatives; I lost all of them because I never really had them. I had Grand parents on my fathers side; I visited them at times as a boy; but now I know they never liked me or wanted me; they ignored me because they did not like my father; still; I visited them often as a boy but did not know they did not really care about me; so; I have to imagine in my their house with them and slowly get stronger and leave it. Possibly do the same thing to the relatives ranches.
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I have to do the same for the school system; re write it; it was good at first and normal; then went bad... So; I haves to deal with it again and more of it again; Ive dealt with it already; but more of it. Facing what happened.
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Being sexually abused in my other Grandfathers house; thats a different story of horror as well as being carted around the state with my mother having to start new schools with bullying and flunking out because of trauma. That is another story of amnesia; A number of those years is closed off.
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So; Im doing better and can feel myself waking up and coming to; I guess the universe God; knew what to do all along.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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