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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
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Showing your feelings

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 23, 2013 4:54 pm

Im bashful... How do I deal with it.. At some point, it comes down to my feelings and not my condition,. Im afraid of the fear and fright Im going to expose to others; that horrible vulnerable state one gets into that reveals there cowards...

I had to hide my feelings. I hid them when I was young in order to wait for my family and friends to rescue me. They never did. They could careless. THey never came back. They were not present and could care less. They were criminals of the worst nature. Im sorry that this had to happen. I was not prepared. I was not prepared to be ran over and dismantled and destroyed by criminals.

I carry all this fear and anxiety with me. I wont let others get close to me. I do not trust the bag of trix they rely upon. I do not trust the crooked smile while there hand pulls a ace from under there sleeves.

I am to afraid to show my emotions, I might get attacked or abused. The abusers know this and take advantage of me. I am passive aggressive around abusers. I am scared and hateful and bashful and have nothing but the lowest contempt for these vermin; yet, they get the best of me.

The problem is; what do I do when I treat someone with a mistaken identity. A person I have judged actually loves me for who I am. Ive walked on them and taken advantage of them and conquered them as if they are trash to be burned, then I find out they were 10 times pure of heart then me; what do I do? How do I fix it!

I desperately want to show my emotions. Im judging people because they are defensive, in actuality they are loving and caring deep down inside.

Im not being honest with them or myself: for example! Im finding girls have kids.. They are divorced. I would like to date them, Im scared of their children ( they are competition). Yet, the children need a father. Im just a boy! I want to have fun... I don't want to be anyones father; I would be suffocated. With time I might be helpful. At some-point I would be resentful and shut down and pull away, because Im trying to re-live my childhood with their mom. I don't want them ( children), they are excess baggage... I want her all to myself. " I want my mom" And that is the only reason I want women except for sexual pleasure and food. I want to use them. I want to be used by them... So? Im sadomasochistic. I want a mom that wants to hurt me, abuse me, debase me! In other words.. " Im normal"! Am I!, I sound very twisted and unsafe...

I would like to tell someone my feelings, not be pinned to writing about it. I would like to tell someone my feelings close up, not be stuck with electronic paper to express myself away. I would like to avoid those that are abusive, intimidating and controlling.

I have a lot of strange hangups. Im afraid of exposing these hangups to others. Yet, that is exactly what I need, so that I know Im normal. My feelings are not right and wrong, they are just feelings.

I don't know how to ease into a relationship. I don't know how to ease into a relationship with the right people. I get bashful and run away... My feelings are unstable. Meaning, they do not stay present. If I could explain some of this with the person Im interested in, Im sure things would or could go well. Its about expressing and communicating. Im getting shut down dissociatively. Or, Im getting scared and I run off before anything gets started. Worse, the girl sees me as a real man of strength and confidence; I never back it up, I run off and she is gone; never to return. I am left alone again. just me and God. Just me and God.

I need to keep working on my feelings; letting them out. Im developing, its slow, it is happening. I have to remember that others are not mind readers.

Your not going to break my status level. If you don't accept it, I will go somewhere else.

If you judge me prior to finding the truth; we have no future. Obviously you never liked me! I hate finding out you never liked me.

Some bridges when burned, cannot be replaced. I knew when you destroyed that bridge you would not be coming back; Indicating you never liked me much in the first place. I would never accept you after what happened. You crossed that bridge and lit it on fire. You led me up to that water way. I was innocent and had no idea what you were doing ( I trusted you). Only in the end did I realize you were playing me. sad is not the voice of description. Heartbroken would be a better word. Horrible! raped... used, or violated by criminals. Violated by a gang. That is what it feels like. It feels; I aught to report you to the district attorneys office and get you thrown in jail.

Im simply trying to get honest with my feelings...! Im tying to say what I want to say

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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