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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1051)
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- April 2020
Next social level is revealed to me
   Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:55 pm
New Social capacity; from anti social to getting help
   Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:22 am

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She was my best friend; Now we are getting somewhere; its a star

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 14, 2019 5:04 am

My mother the psychopath; not really a mother ever; How I was treated when a teenager; stopped me from continuing a possible relationship with the girl up the street. I was pulled back into my mothers torture and forgot who I was; it was all to much for me. Now; Im remembering; I could not remember anymore; those deeper feelings; the girl up the street; she was my best friend; thats why I wanted her so; I felt so safe and normal around her. She was my best friend. I through my best friend away; that is what's important about all of this insanity. Im attempting to look at the past to learn from it so I dont make the same mistake again; and Im attempting to learn from it because I plan to be with others as I get better.
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I have to be the best friend to myself; at that high quality if Im going to feel that way about a girl again; an adult women I call a girl; I call all of them girls...
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The point is; Im now at the point; Im trying to remember how it feels; that independent feeling without my mother involved. Some how my mother got under my skin and ruined the whole thing and I was puppet again. I want the puppetry to stop and to be able to step out on my own again but I feel like she owns my life; like I was injected with poison.
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Im trying to break through; I think it can happen; I feel so stupid and weak; like; why couldn't I fight that poison when I was young.... Why did I allow someone else in my strong hold structure. I was pulled out of my strength and destroyed and it destroyed my relationship with that girl that would have been my wife.
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So; I dont want that happening anymore or again; its up to me to work on it until my character shows forth again.
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I got mad at the girl about this; had absolutely nothing to do with her; zero; I am insane it was insane; how I acted and what happened to me and how I ended up; a strange mental illness; a sickness from being around the psychopath that close; it made me dissociative and sick and I lost who I was; I forget myself and become an adolescent again..... I was broken.
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The psychopath knows how to break children; and I was broken in a way I could not fight back; it was like being poisoned and then I could not feel anything correctly ever again. I was angry and withdrawn.
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I want to make sure that never happens again and I want a best friend again; to create one; I have to be one inside myself and then attract them. Ive done it lately; but its the wrong kind of person; to much baggage; and I have to look at that.
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I want to adore and love someone but they have to be mentally healthy....
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Im fighting it; re experiencing all of this in my life. Im not looking forward to it but It must be faced. I must go through it again; this time without a mother around; no sign of her; and what she did and the hidden horror and terror and fear and anger gone; and my identity back where it belongs; with me in charge of it....
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I have allot of work to do. I must get to a point that I meet the right kinds of people; thats means I have to feel like the right kind of people.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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