April 2024
March 2024
She was mirroring me and crushed when I approached.
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Ill try to go into the complexities a little bit.
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The whole point of this writing; To go into deeper levels of intricacy of the women that liked me; when she liked me; at that moment; what happened; how I froze up and dissociated and didnt respond and why. And I dont think their was a reason not to respond on her side of things; meaning; she didnt do anything to me that I should not respond; it was all coming from me; either flashbacks or the fear she would never accept someone with the problems I have.
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And also another area; it was over... The last time I saw her she accidentally approached me; stood in front of me in half curiosity openness and some fear; Gulped in air; turned around and left. Is that someone that likes me; NO! It was more like someone who thought they were better then me looking down at a monster of some kind.
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The more I become more honest; the more I become more real; the more Im looked at with contempt and no interest..
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Where to begin; Many women have liked me; much for marriage; but I never ventured forth; Im trying to figure out why. So; Im breaking down specific moments to try and see how I felt about myself at those moments; what was I thinking about that didn't allow me to go near them. Why I was afraid; what resentment baggage was I carrying and how it affected me.. What I should have done at the opportune times.
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First let me say; if the women had been nice girls; I dont their ever would have been a problem. But regardless; they liked me and I did not respond to them or give them a chance. Im not so sure I was correct in not giving them a chance.
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Its possible that I need to pray about what I want and see who shows up; but I thought I already did that.
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Part of the problem; I lived a life according to the cards that were dealt me.. I want someone around me that understands that. I do not want to fit in or look a certain way to fit in; I just want to be myself not suppose to be someone else and Im not sure some women Ive met actually believe I am who I am..
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IVe had women really like me but go out with other guys if I didnt respond. Their is no honer in that; its shameful; how can someone like me then force me to watch them with someone else and not care; that is a huge red flag... And its red flags like that Ive been ignoring.
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Many if not all the women that liked me; red flags going off around all of them first thing. Ill have to take it to God; I told myself I wanted to save them;' teach them and take care of them; adore them and love them; they needed me to care for them....
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I never took the bait; Im trying to understand why? And this is a very powerful statement for my dissociation; I mean; im almost completely dissociated by writing this simple statement... its very hard and powerful on me.
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Out of hatred and contempt I never took the bait. I saw women from the past not women in front of me concerning the bait; I saw childhood I was ripped of from and everything in that life I had to hide.
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I think of one of the women that likes me; she is just like me tho... but went out with another guy so I did not trust her anymore.
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So; Ill have to ask God for another women to learn how to trust again; but this time I have to respond to her fairly quickly; not like the rest of them.
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Its so hard to respond to women; I go back into childhood mode; Im about 6....
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I know God is working with me on this or I would not be here writing.
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Im trying to find out why Im so scared to talk to this women; I know she can see the deepest parts of the inside of me; she looks at me like Im her best friend for life and husband; she sees me and knows who I am. She tried to get close to me; I have to anyalize what happened their... I refused to get close to her. later; she went out with another guy after I was a slowly warming up to the idea of getting close to her; right at that moment; she allowed another guy in; I went into freeze mode again and never got near her ever again.
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So; I want to analyze what is going on here to find out why I can write about it here on these plages but not to her face...
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This girl its broken down into 2 areas; Before and after she dated someone else. And again; the main issue is; why didnt I ever talk to her... and did she know what she was doing that I would never talk to her and simply keep it up; all playing a game; I dont know.. Maybe Ill write several blogs on her...
The main issue is trust; I never trusted her; why? or I didnt trust myself or feel I was up to par or feeling good about myself when I met her and was afraid she never knew this about me and Id be exposing it...
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So; At a specific point; a few months into this girl liking me last year; at one point we are sitting at a table and she is mirroring me; she is imitating me.. Mirroring me. but its more then mirroring; Its who Im seeing inside her; the person Im seeing in her; this wondrous person Im seeing inside her.. Im stunned but I wont do anything; I dont believe it; or I do believe it but im scared to do anything. And I will start with that...
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Maybe Im to staunch to do anything about it; cigar Bourgeoisie elite in my fantasy; and I would rather deal with the dream then the real thing in front of me; in front it knocked me off my feathers that I had a real situation going on in front of me. Before I could actually wake up months had gone by... Finally; talking to God; later; I took a few chances... Ill go back into that later.
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But notice how hard it is for me to even approach the person; She had already tried to get my attention for months. I refused to talk to her; I did not like her style; it was to forward and in my face. But their was something about her; She knew we were meant to be together. She really liked me; this Was not something fake.. However, Im going to think its fake or call it fake but it wasn't fake; I tried to call it something she gave every man she met; attention. But she didnt. She didnt give every man attention like this; only me.
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She did look at other men; but I never responded to her... What was she suppose to do? and I dont care; I mean; I wanted her to be stronger... come and get me. But she didnt know me. I ignored her and ignored her and ignored her and ignored her and ignored her. She kept trying to say hi to me. I just didnt like it; it didnt fit for that time period in my development with her...
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So; I still havent answered the question; Why after she was mirroring me; why didnt I respond to her; that is the truth question; If I had responded to her when I first met her I would be dating her from the first day. But I didnt;
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What thoughts were going through my head... that is whats hitting me right now during this writing; I see that she could hurt me but I know she could not hurt me. I could have just been myself and had a girlfriend; right from the beginning; why did I make all of this into such a big deal. And what do I do about it right now.
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The fact is; I could not or would not respond to her when she first said hello to me and when I saw her mirroring me at the table. And thats not all she did; I rushed up to a table she was sitting at chairing a meeting; As I approach her; her hands folded in a kind of sheepish submissive way; so did her eyes; like she was in love with me; she melted... could not keep her strength. She was putting on a tough act; but I broke through all that just coming near her; it was authentic; so; why didn't I just approach her and talk to her and feel self assured around her or up close to her; why didnt I feel self assured up close around her.
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Why didn't I knell down and feel self assured up close to her and talk with her; why? and that must be explored.
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Im starting to remember my first love and how that situation knocked me out; in fact I had full amnesia over it. I have to be around these newer people now; to open me up in order to remember those events; slowly my Brain allowing.
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The more I remember about my first love; the more its not looking so good; she does not act like she likes me. It looks more like a game and Im being used and im innocent and realizing it; im being played; almost like today; by the people im complaining about right now.
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So; back to the question; the girl is mirroring me from across the table and I dont respond; and suddenly I flash the first girl I loved and Im in the living room looking at her and I dont respond; same thing; Im their because I want to be loved and Im desperate to be loved; ive been thrown away and dont have a home and no one really loves me or cares what happens to me; nothing; or my future of any kind. Nothing.. Ive been stripped of my life. I have her sort a; im around her and im in her living room; but do I really like her after what Im seeing; does she really take me seriously. I remember when I first met her but I never responded to her when I first met her. But she liked me and wanted to go out with me; what does that mean; does it mean she liked me... Later she will say I meant nothing to her and never would have met me if she hadn't been introduced to me... had no problem never seeing me again. How could this be someone God brought me.. The fact is; I never went out with her; never asked her out...
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All the girls Im talking about that wanted me; all of them act similar to my first love; it all plays out the same way; all of it; accept the last one. It plays out the same way but when she tries for the last time to associate with me and I dont talk to her and go silent on her another man comes in and she and him hook up... they do this right in front of me... And that was so horrible; I want nothing to do with this person ever again regardless of who's fault all of this is; to sickening for me; all of it. I dont know what to do...
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So; back to the question; Why didnt I respond in the early months to her when she mirrored me; and Im starting to see that Im avoiding the question. In fact; I may need to write this somewhere else then edit it down...
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Do I go back to this women I liked recently and tell her how I feel about seeing her and this other guy together; do I tell her this... Do I want to? Do I tell her all my feelings for her? Why? If Im a fool. I cant see this person liking me. But; ill bring all of that up for another blog...
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OK; I didnt feel good enough; it was to good to be true that the universe brought me something; but also; it was like I liked the idea of being a little kid looking through a tv screen protected and this wasn't real what I was watching..
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If I know what I know now; i would have responded to her now…. Interesting that I say that because I know she went out with another guy later; but if I had responded to her in the first place before that guy was involved I would have... I would have talked to her and learned to trust her.
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Someone else said something negative about her; about where shes from and lived... and I took that against her.. and held it against her. I remember her walking by me trying to get my attention. I used it against her; where she lived; but not how she felt how hard she tried to get my attention.
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I see my mother in her; but I must remember; she is not my mother; she is another person.
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When she was dating this other person she should no remorse toward me; nothing. she could care less how I felt; it was unbelievable and sickening; all of it. In credible. So much so; I could not believe this same person ever liked me; impossible. absolutely impossible. I remember when she switched loyalties to this new person and had none for me; I was out; as if I never existed. And so all of this is so hard... I tried to like her; wanted to like her if she got inline with me. The time she would have gotten inline with me; instead; she opted to go out with another man right in front of me... of course I dropped any interest in her; I wanted nothing to do with her... Im a decent person.
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But from the beginning I never talked to her; she tried to talk to me for 2 strait weeks and I said nothing to her; I remember when she gave up. And I remember how hard it was for me just to say hello to her; It was from the part of me that was hurt and damaged and dissociative..
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So; who's fault was that that I did not say hello to her... or why! I did not trust her.. But why. She was just saying hello to me... and later she dressed down into a conservative look and tried to get my attention over n over; and I ignored her; I felt manipulated; rapped in... I just didnt respond to it. But now I regret not saying anything to her.
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ive been told that I probably never really liked her; I just wanted to owner; and when she went to another man; I lost my social position with her; I was not the guy in the group she was interested in anymore; I was out. So its all social. But looking in her eyes; I saw something more real then ive ever seen in anyone accept my first love; I saw my best friend soulmate wife looking back at me.
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Did I say I saw something more real in this women eyes only matching my first love. So; I said I saw the love from the eyes of my first love; Its all amnisia; I cant remember. I remember but I cant remember. As you can see; I remember my first loves eyes looking at me with love; but Im not in touch with the memory; its not present; its in those places of being blocked.
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Also; I dont believe this women who was looking at me like she was my wife; I think its a fake trap; I think its my mother playing games with me; I mean; someone like my mother. And I think its fake; her eyes; shes a narcissist faking it; not really believing it... why would she be with another man if she thought I was her best friend or husband???? I never talked to her... But; I know she knew I was waiting to make a move on her... Right at that moment another man came through on her right at that moment; Ive seen women do this to me before. This is not a sign of someone that wants me; its a sign of someone playing me; someone evil.
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ITs all so confusing; all of this. Im working with the universe to understand what is going on here....
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I keep learning more n more; things keep getting uncovered... Im just trying to work with the universe too move in the right direction...
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Allot of what Im doing is waking up from amnesia.... It sucks all of this..
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I have this feeling I was just taken advantage of; and nothing more. I wish or Im telling the universe to help me out here. Move me on to other women.
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Being moved on to other women; I think the universe wants me solving this stuff first before I move on to someone else so I don't carry more of these dissociative problems with me... I guess Im suppose to uncover whats stopping me from responding to someone who appears to like me...
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Im also wondering why the universe would send me people with such problems; why me out of all the people in the world. Am I to believe this women would stay faithful to me... Should I.
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Why dont I tell my friends about any of this; they would slam me down from the start claiming she never liked me; Im dreaming... So its impossible to talk to anyone about any of this; I mean I can pray about people to talk to .
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God wants me too get this figured out I guess before I move on. Or something; IM scared to move on. I dont know...
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I have to grow in order to move on; I cant stay the way I used to be; and right now Im growing but it requires my amnesia go away a bit; more of the past be uncovered and opened up if Im going to move forward.
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Realizing my first love loved me is a very important discovery even tho I cant see the memory; I seem to know it; Im connected to it in another personality..
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Ill write another blog about this; still have not answered the question.
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