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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
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Another break through
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My work; to get up close in my imagination
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Get right with God; God is saying
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The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
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Beginning to move forward
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Im alone again; things are changing.
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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am

Kind of a long post;

Ive talked intensively about the girl from my teenage youth that I loved and wanted to marry because God had brought up together and I destroyed.
Tonight as I recover and get better; and Im at a meeting. It hits me; the girl I loved. First let me say; that when the truth appears; it all starts to make sense; what baffled me before; the truth comes to light. Im no longer baffled.
I asked God about her; what's next concerning this girl. The reason she is so important to me is; I had a break down and turned on her; but when I turned on her; I turned on my future and my life; I coward out. She would have been my life; and its true; but what I didn't see was; the potential was their for her to be my wife; I had not established enough of an interaction with her.

God now has revealed the truth to me that was 2 hard to deal with at that age; or up until recently. A simple answer that clears everything up kind of; my heart still yearns for an answer; but the answer is; how to recover from mental illness; thats the answer; it had nothing to do with anyone else.
I was devastated by the girl because; as I quickly began to change; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; I reached out to her the best I could because I wanted and needed help; but it wasn't love I needed; but I did need love; I needed someone to understand my mental illness and the dire straits I was in because my mind had been broken and I need someone to see this and get me help; I needed a mental hospital; not a girlfriend. Altho a girlfriend sounded so nice; I did not have a stable enough brain to sustain any kind of relationship or even association with anyone; I should have never been up at her house; instead I should have been getting an intake evaluation at a mental health facility. I had no one; so anyone coming into contact with me; sooner or later I broke down and with insecurity and desperation cried out for something; projected insanity from the deepest inner being of myself for help. but I was in desolate lands; no one would have connected the help call; all they saw was darkness.

The others;
Their was more then one girl. They're were several girls. I loved the one girl; but could not get close to her because I chickened out; she lived up the street; she was my soulmate; but I turned on her after creating a relationship with her; building it; molding it; she wanted me; all I had to do was follow through; and I couldn't; I felt so stupid. And at the same time; I was hitting on some other girl at school; I don't remember; maybe I made out with her; She later told me she loved me. I slammed her emotionally; dumped her; said she meant nothing to me. And then I ended up not following through with the girl I loved.. And I tried to get close to her again but she wouldn't. but I could have gotten close to her and have her back any time I wanted; Any time. But still; I started dating another girl; but I didn't want her; I just acted like I wanted her. And I could have dated a whole lot more girls. But the thing was; I only wanted the one. and I could have had her any time I wanted and I wanted to marry her but I played the victim with her until she didn't want me anymore; I thought; what a cold B_tch. But in reality; this is not what it appears to be. Closer to the truth; I met this girl up the street and this girl up the street liked my attention; but I began to flake out; and soon the girl become confused. She tried to get me to stay over night with her or ask her out; she did anything she could to throw herself on me but I wouldn't respond to her but I would continue to come up to her house everyday; I chickened out; but what really happened; I dissociated out of reality; because I was never in reality; I should have never been their; I was mentally ill simply seeking out anyone that might notice me that could get me some help with mental health services. These were just regular people; her and her family; I did not actually come out and ask for these things; I did not know the name of these things; I was desperate but had no name for my desperation; later I would. I was suffering from long term CPTSD; and I had had several mental break downs and will have more; and severe to the point of long term hospitalizations; that was all what was going on and thats what I needed. I was a throw away so no one cared what happened to me or what I needed or if I hung myself...
God has revealed to me what has been closed off in my mind that I didn't want to see.
I claim that my contact with the psychopath caused a severe break from reality; and it did and for good reason. I was on my way to go up and see this girl I loved and wanted to marry; The contact with the psychopath in the car; this caused a break from reality; and it did; it shocked me; I was not wanted; I ws living with a psychopath nothing was safe; But I had no name for her at the time; I just knew finally that I was not loved or wanted and I was forgotten before I was born. And I still did not have a home; I was thrown away years before this and it would remain this way; I was not wanted; no one asked me to come live with them; I wanted to live with them to get out of the house I was living in, in my home town because I was being sexually destroyed; and this destroyed my mind; along with being pulled out of my original house.
So; After dealing with this psychopath when young; I was broke; in the 5th grade. However, dealing with this psychopath in this new house in this new city on the coast; I was broken again and the trap door of my life fell through; I ended up regressing back to a 6 year old. I could not function; I was severely damaged again. I just wanted to go home; back to my home town; I was demoralized and destroyed again. And all of this Ive talked about in my blogs 1000 times.
The answer;
Anyone reading this or who has ever read my blogs; most of the time they are about CPTSD and Dissociative disorder; they are about mental illness. When I was very young; I had no one that cared about me to get me a diagnosis. Instead I was thrown away and left thrown away; what ever happened to me mentally did not mean anything to anyone; my future meant nothing to everyone and no one cared if they ever saw me again or cared about my future or whether I stayed alive. No one cared. I hd no future; not under this present authorities.... I did not have a chance. The answer is mental illness and I was just trying to seek someone that would understand me and could some how get me some help.
So; what did I see tonight that was never presented to me before; simple; First; I claim that God brought that girl to me; she was my soulmate; I had prayed about having her from a few years before; and this was true and pure to accuracy; and she showed up; I was 14. But I could not follow through; yes? I could not follow through with her and thought it because I was chicken; but he truth was; I could not function? This is important to me; may not sound like a big deal to the reader; but it's gigantic to me. Im suffering from the same problem today as I right this; the same damaged brain.
And a voice came to me tonight; " what about the other girls". and as I thought about the other girls I was horrified because I had led them on; some of them; used them sociopathic like. I hurt them emotionally; and I felt nothing; I felt distant from them; not feeling anything; And I thought; why. And then I felt that way about the girl I loved; I was split into; from myself. and still went out with other girls and acted like I liked them; but I did not like them nor did I want to go out with them. I wanted to go out with only the girl I was in love with and I could have any time I wanted to but I never did. She waited and then moved on. Even after she moved on I could have gone over to her house and shown her affection and gone out with her. But not so; not really; because the truth is; I was mentally ill and this is why the mixed up between severe girls and why I didn't go out with the one; and the girl I loved very quickly moved on and never came back; she ghosted me very quickly and that was that. In my broken mind I blamed myself for not following through; but she recognized I was unstable and slowly moved away from me.
God has shown me the answer to all of this. How could I have hurt all these people. One of them; I did not hurt; she just looked at me as a weakling and left; she was someone I did not want to go out with but I went out with her; I didn't even like the way she looked and I didn't have to go out with her I could have just gone out with the girl I met when I was 14-15 but I didn't go out with her; I throw her away but I liked her. So obviously Im disfunctioning.
This story is not about age; let the viewer understand; this is not about teenage years. This is about something much worse.
So; God revealed to me; I was all-ready crazy; No one cared. No one had cared since in 5th grade; I was thrown away. I thought I was OK; I was moving out of the house I was being raped in; and so I got to move into a new situation away from bullies and flunking out of school; so at least I could think I was moving into a situation with people that would give me another chance; I could act like maybe I was loved or getting loved but something had gone wrong and now everything was not going to be OK; I wanted to believe I was loved by my mom. But in reality; they're was no mom; they're was just a ruthless psychopath and her new man... her new husband and his older kids. She married the perfect husband 2.2 kid family; right out of the movies. It all made me sick; what I wanted was love and support and help; I was in trouble psychiatricaly-.
The point is; I was nuts; And had been insane; no one cared; I had no help; nothing; My mind was severely damaged and had been over n over n over; but the time I got to this new city; I could not function because of trauma. I was insane. I did not know this; but if you look at the outside of it; I was not functioning at all in school; flunking out because of trauma; but no one cared.
As for relationship; I could not sustain any relationships; I tried to be popular for my 9th grade year; it worked for awhile; I tried to be cool and hang out with the cool kids but it did not work; I did not have the mental facilities to even attempt such things; I was suffering from PTSD and dissociative disorder unchecked; and mood swings like crazy. And BPD symptoms... bad. later after I failed with the girl I loved; I went into a massive depressive disorder; no one cared.
Heres the deal; God told me; non of those girls would I have ended up in a relationship; it didn't matter; I was never going to have any relationships at that time and the reason I treated any of these girls the way I did was pure mental illness; severe mental illness. The one girl I really loved; she moved on because she immediately saw something was wrong and she pulled up the stakes of that tent; backed out slowly and left; not because I had hurt her; but because my behavior was so split into and bizarre; she knew I was not stable or well and in her own way said goodbye and quickly got out of their. And the other girls; I was nuts; thats why I was courting them while I should have been going out with the one girl I loved. Nothing made any sense; probably Border line personalty disorder makes the best sense here. What God showed me that I did not see; I was triggered by the psychopath at one point and had a break down because of it; this changed everything when I was in this new city; but it was a trigger. I had already been mentally ill; I had not gotten better; I was no better before I came to this new city. I never had a chance but would not have known; but no one cared. As for relationships; Not possible with anyone ever; not ever at that time; I should have been in a nut house. And rightfully so; I didn't last; I began to decompensated several weeks after I got their; and slowly decompensated more n more; losing touch with reality; 1 year later I was bad enough with clinical depression to be hospitalized... No one cared tho.
Am I making my subtle point. This is the first time Ive ever seen this; this bigger picture; And now I know. I never had a chance but more importantly; I never lost someone; they recognized I was nuts and moved on immediately; and I never really saw them again.... And I stayed nuts. I was nuts because I ever moved over to this new city.
What does this mean. IT means the truth when unfolded starts to answer the bigger picture of things that baffled me for years and years and I was heartbroken for years and didn't want to live anymore.
And I never thought of this; it was revealed to me. I could never handle the truth or see it. I never had a chance because I thought I had had a break down from my mother the psychopath. In reality; I had already had a breakdown long ago; Long before I went to this new city with my mother but had no feedback about anything; no one had cared about me since the 4th grade; no one cared; and Im not saying they really cared about me in the 4th grade.
The point is; I thought I had been well and was looking forward to this new city when a teen; In reality I was not ready for anything but a long permanent stay in the nuthouse. But no way of knowing it; my mind was slowly getting whittled down into nothing; grind'd down into insanity and catatonic loonesy.
So; this does not solve all things of that time period; I still have to deal with my mental illness of that period and look at it and grieve over it and more acceptance of the real truth; I never had a chance with anyone; I was mentally ill before I started. No chance.. All in my mind; I hurt people only because I was nuts; I would not be seeing any of those people ever again; I was crazy. I would end up leaving the area and should have gotten help but no one cared; nothing. The next house I lived in was no different; in fact it was so indifferent that it was worse. they didn't care either; and saw me of even more poor quality then the last place; it will take years before I wake up to what was really going on and what these sick families were all about and really like and doing to me and others.
So; the picture becomes clearer and more sad; for its a tale of a child slowly being given away from birth; thrown away. And I never had a chance; anymore then someone hanging on to the last hopes of a dying dream while clinched to the broken rudder of the Titanic as it sinks.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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