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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am

Kind of a long post;
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Ive talked intensively about the girl from my teenage youth that I loved and wanted to marry because God had brought up together and I destroyed.
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Tonight as I recover and get better; and Im at a meeting. It hits me; the girl I loved. First let me say; that when the truth appears; it all starts to make sense; what baffled me before; the truth comes to light. Im no longer baffled.
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I asked God about her; what's next concerning this girl. The reason she is so important to me is; I had a break down and turned on her; but when I turned on her; I turned on my future and my life; I coward out. She would have been my life; and its true; but what I didn't see was; the potential was their for her to be my wife; I had not established enough of an interaction with her.
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God now has revealed the truth to me that was 2 hard to deal with at that age; or up until recently. A simple answer that clears everything up kind of; my heart still yearns for an answer; but the answer is; how to recover from mental illness; thats the answer; it had nothing to do with anyone else.
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I was devastated by the girl because; as I quickly began to change; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; I reached out to her the best I could because I wanted and needed help; but it wasn't love I needed; but I did need love; I needed someone to understand my mental illness and the dire straits I was in because my mind had been broken and I need someone to see this and get me help; I needed a mental hospital; not a girlfriend. Altho a girlfriend sounded so nice; I did not have a stable enough brain to sustain any kind of relationship or even association with anyone; I should have never been up at her house; instead I should have been getting an intake evaluation at a mental health facility. I had no one; so anyone coming into contact with me; sooner or later I broke down and with insecurity and desperation cried out for something; projected insanity from the deepest inner being of myself for help. but I was in desolate lands; no one would have connected the help call; all they saw was darkness.
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The others;
Their was more then one girl. They're were several girls. I loved the one girl; but could not get close to her because I chickened out; she lived up the street; she was my soulmate; but I turned on her after creating a relationship with her; building it; molding it; she wanted me; all I had to do was follow through; and I couldn't; I felt so stupid. And at the same time; I was hitting on some other girl at school; I don't remember; maybe I made out with her; She later told me she loved me. I slammed her emotionally; dumped her; said she meant nothing to me. And then I ended up not following through with the girl I loved.. And I tried to get close to her again but she wouldn't. but I could have gotten close to her and have her back any time I wanted; Any time. But still; I started dating another girl; but I didn't want her; I just acted like I wanted her. And I could have dated a whole lot more girls. But the thing was; I only wanted the one. and I could have had her any time I wanted and I wanted to marry her but I played the victim with her until she didn't want me anymore; I thought; what a cold B_tch. But in reality; this is not what it appears to be. Closer to the truth; I met this girl up the street and this girl up the street liked my attention; but I began to flake out; and soon the girl become confused. She tried to get me to stay over night with her or ask her out; she did anything she could to throw herself on me but I wouldn't respond to her but I would continue to come up to her house everyday; I chickened out; but what really happened; I dissociated out of reality; because I was never in reality; I should have never been their; I was mentally ill simply seeking out anyone that might notice me that could get me some help with mental health services. These were just regular people; her and her family; I did not actually come out and ask for these things; I did not know the name of these things; I was desperate but had no name for my desperation; later I would. I was suffering from long term CPTSD; and I had had several mental break downs and will have more; and severe to the point of long term hospitalizations; that was all what was going on and thats what I needed. I was a throw away so no one cared what happened to me or what I needed or if I hung myself...
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God has revealed to me what has been closed off in my mind that I didn't want to see.
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I claim that my contact with the psychopath caused a severe break from reality; and it did and for good reason. I was on my way to go up and see this girl I loved and wanted to marry; The contact with the psychopath in the car; this caused a break from reality; and it did; it shocked me; I was not wanted; I ws living with a psychopath nothing was safe; But I had no name for her at the time; I just knew finally that I was not loved or wanted and I was forgotten before I was born. And I still did not have a home; I was thrown away years before this and it would remain this way; I was not wanted; no one asked me to come live with them; I wanted to live with them to get out of the house I was living in, in my home town because I was being sexually destroyed; and this destroyed my mind; along with being pulled out of my original house.
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So; After dealing with this psychopath when young; I was broke; in the 5th grade. However, dealing with this psychopath in this new house in this new city on the coast; I was broken again and the trap door of my life fell through; I ended up regressing back to a 6 year old. I could not function; I was severely damaged again. I just wanted to go home; back to my home town; I was demoralized and destroyed again. And all of this Ive talked about in my blogs 1000 times.
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The answer;
Anyone reading this or who has ever read my blogs; most of the time they are about CPTSD and Dissociative disorder; they are about mental illness. When I was very young; I had no one that cared about me to get me a diagnosis. Instead I was thrown away and left thrown away; what ever happened to me mentally did not mean anything to anyone; my future meant nothing to everyone and no one cared if they ever saw me again or cared about my future or whether I stayed alive. No one cared. I hd no future; not under this present authorities.... I did not have a chance. The answer is mental illness and I was just trying to seek someone that would understand me and could some how get me some help.
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So; what did I see tonight that was never presented to me before; simple; First; I claim that God brought that girl to me; she was my soulmate; I had prayed about having her from a few years before; and this was true and pure to accuracy; and she showed up; I was 14. But I could not follow through; yes? I could not follow through with her and thought it because I was chicken; but he truth was; I could not function? This is important to me; may not sound like a big deal to the reader; but it's gigantic to me. Im suffering from the same problem today as I right this; the same damaged brain.
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And a voice came to me tonight; " what about the other girls". and as I thought about the other girls I was horrified because I had led them on; some of them; used them sociopathic like. I hurt them emotionally; and I felt nothing; I felt distant from them; not feeling anything; And I thought; why. And then I felt that way about the girl I loved; I was split into; from myself. and still went out with other girls and acted like I liked them; but I did not like them nor did I want to go out with them. I wanted to go out with only the girl I was in love with and I could have any time I wanted to but I never did. She waited and then moved on. Even after she moved on I could have gone over to her house and shown her affection and gone out with her. But not so; not really; because the truth is; I was mentally ill and this is why the mixed up between severe girls and why I didn't go out with the one; and the girl I loved very quickly moved on and never came back; she ghosted me very quickly and that was that. In my broken mind I blamed myself for not following through; but she recognized I was unstable and slowly moved away from me.
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God has shown me the answer to all of this. How could I have hurt all these people. One of them; I did not hurt; she just looked at me as a weakling and left; she was someone I did not want to go out with but I went out with her; I didn't even like the way she looked and I didn't have to go out with her I could have just gone out with the girl I met when I was 14-15 but I didn't go out with her; I throw her away but I liked her. So obviously Im disfunctioning.
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This story is not about age; let the viewer understand; this is not about teenage years. This is about something much worse.
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So; God revealed to me; I was all-ready crazy; No one cared. No one had cared since in 5th grade; I was thrown away. I thought I was OK; I was moving out of the house I was being raped in; and so I got to move into a new situation away from bullies and flunking out of school; so at least I could think I was moving into a situation with people that would give me another chance; I could act like maybe I was loved or getting loved but something had gone wrong and now everything was not going to be OK; I wanted to believe I was loved by my mom. But in reality; they're was no mom; they're was just a ruthless psychopath and her new man... her new husband and his older kids. She married the perfect husband 2.2 kid family; right out of the movies. It all made me sick; what I wanted was love and support and help; I was in trouble psychiatricaly-.
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The point is; I was nuts; And had been insane; no one cared; I had no help; nothing; My mind was severely damaged and had been over n over n over; but the time I got to this new city; I could not function because of trauma. I was insane. I did not know this; but if you look at the outside of it; I was not functioning at all in school; flunking out because of trauma; but no one cared.
As for relationship; I could not sustain any relationships; I tried to be popular for my 9th grade year; it worked for awhile; I tried to be cool and hang out with the cool kids but it did not work; I did not have the mental facilities to even attempt such things; I was suffering from PTSD and dissociative disorder unchecked; and mood swings like crazy. And BPD symptoms... bad. later after I failed with the girl I loved; I went into a massive depressive disorder; no one cared.
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Heres the deal; God told me; non of those girls would I have ended up in a relationship; it didn't matter; I was never going to have any relationships at that time and the reason I treated any of these girls the way I did was pure mental illness; severe mental illness. The one girl I really loved; she moved on because she immediately saw something was wrong and she pulled up the stakes of that tent; backed out slowly and left; not because I had hurt her; but because my behavior was so split into and bizarre; she knew I was not stable or well and in her own way said goodbye and quickly got out of their. And the other girls; I was nuts; thats why I was courting them while I should have been going out with the one girl I loved. Nothing made any sense; probably Border line personalty disorder makes the best sense here. What God showed me that I did not see; I was triggered by the psychopath at one point and had a break down because of it; this changed everything when I was in this new city; but it was a trigger. I had already been mentally ill; I had not gotten better; I was no better before I came to this new city. I never had a chance but would not have known; but no one cared. As for relationships; Not possible with anyone ever; not ever at that time; I should have been in a nut house. And rightfully so; I didn't last; I began to decompensated several weeks after I got their; and slowly decompensated more n more; losing touch with reality; 1 year later I was bad enough with clinical depression to be hospitalized... No one cared tho.
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Am I making my subtle point. This is the first time Ive ever seen this; this bigger picture; And now I know. I never had a chance but more importantly; I never lost someone; they recognized I was nuts and moved on immediately; and I never really saw them again.... And I stayed nuts. I was nuts because I ever moved over to this new city.
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What does this mean. IT means the truth when unfolded starts to answer the bigger picture of things that baffled me for years and years and I was heartbroken for years and didn't want to live anymore.
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And I never thought of this; it was revealed to me. I could never handle the truth or see it. I never had a chance because I thought I had had a break down from my mother the psychopath. In reality; I had already had a breakdown long ago; Long before I went to this new city with my mother but had no feedback about anything; no one had cared about me since the 4th grade; no one cared; and Im not saying they really cared about me in the 4th grade.
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The point is; I thought I had been well and was looking forward to this new city when a teen; In reality I was not ready for anything but a long permanent stay in the nuthouse. But no way of knowing it; my mind was slowly getting whittled down into nothing; grind'd down into insanity and catatonic loonesy.
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So; this does not solve all things of that time period; I still have to deal with my mental illness of that period and look at it and grieve over it and more acceptance of the real truth; I never had a chance with anyone; I was mentally ill before I started. No chance.. All in my mind; I hurt people only because I was nuts; I would not be seeing any of those people ever again; I was crazy. I would end up leaving the area and should have gotten help but no one cared; nothing. The next house I lived in was no different; in fact it was so indifferent that it was worse. they didn't care either; and saw me of even more poor quality then the last place; it will take years before I wake up to what was really going on and what these sick families were all about and really like and doing to me and others.
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So; the picture becomes clearer and more sad; for its a tale of a child slowly being given away from birth; thrown away. And I never had a chance; anymore then someone hanging on to the last hopes of a dying dream while clinched to the broken rudder of the Titanic as it sinks.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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