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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Sharp objects

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Sep 18, 2013 6:38 pm

Im hitting the sharp objects a bit faster these days, and with more clarity! ( Im more awake) Im about 50/50 present in reality, relative to 100% submerged into my own world! the rest is dissociative disorder and long term PTSD!
PTSD problems are less painful then before! it just runs through my head like many thick rivers intertwining each other! It used to destroy me and torture me! It still destroys me! Im dealing with it!

PEOPE;
Many people are not nice, and they don't play nice! they cheat! Ive been getting cut up emotionally and spiritually from many uncaring people! As I get better, Im willing to tell the truth! Im telling the truth to people that do not have the character for it!

Im getting better or stronger, and Im beginning to notice the little things! Possibly how I feel as I approach another person!

When I was young; a child, I was happy! I had a father that loved me, or at-least seemed to love me! My mother was not much of the picture thank God! My father kept her in line!

Im getting my memories back of that childhood! The child in me of that time is looking around at that time period (1970) and is looking at me as I look around in this time period 2013! At some point they will meet, and the child will be present in this present time period! When that happens and I feel safe, I will create a new life like the one I left!; and this is starting to happen! parts of me are present! and I see many problems because I am present!

THings are really hard right now! the PTSD world is colliding with the real world! Im not safe inside myself! Im not safe outside myself... I have to deal with a greater freedom of reality! This is a good thing, but so is a soothing cream bath for a burn victim! it will save his/her life, yet it hurts like hell to take the scream cream medicine to get better.

I approached this women at my building, she was outside on the steps. As I smoothed up on her! slowly, I felt a strange calm confident strength; the strength of being in the here and now!

-----

Ive had many women like me! BUt they wanted it their way and never got it their way! I never responded in the time zone they wished for! By the time I felt better about myself and in control of myself and my ideas,, they found other people! they switched me out for other people! I was replaced..

I had 2 sisters hitting on me at the same time! That was unusual! they both hit on me openly! I guess with women its a competition thing! neither sister seemed mad at the other over the outcome! neither seemed to be bothered by the other as they both hit on me independently at the same time or close to it! certainly in the same rooms at the same time! Interesting..

Im understanding that when a women is trying to get your attention all the time, she is not trying to be your psych nurse, she wants you!@ You are for boyfriend material! I never saw that! I do not know why! I think the older sister was 24, the younger sister 21.. not bad for me! Im almost 51; did not faze them a bit.. they had a definite agenda! they wanted a man! They wanted man food, and my name was on the cooky jar!

----
Im still sick! I have more PTSD based stuff to work through!
Im slowly coming back from dissociative disorder! Its like a whirl pool that swirls downward, on its perimeters is an electric fence I cannot walk through or touch!

The muscle around my mind continues to get stronger, that it prop up my mind to more awareness of its surroundings.. As it gets stronger, I am more aware of things around me in the outside world; if my mind gets weaker, it collapses into itself and more PTSD screens become reality, and the outside world is shut out! However, I cannot tell if Im in the inner-self or the outer real world! At that point, I do not know where Im at or who I am! The dissociative disorder comes back, and Im in a virtual dilution illusion!

I could not have girlfriends! I needed a psych nurse as girl friend! I just wanted friends, and then have that develop!

The strange things is! Im the one that needs to be friends first, then I will think about going out!

When this breaks, and I no longer need others to understand my condition, I will start dating!

I have not been able to date anyone while Ive been sick! Ive been married to the sickness, Ive been taken hostage by the sickness, and trapped by the sickness. Its very serious sad situation!

And Im learning that possibly, one cant date when they are mentally sick! I cant, and I attract women like a vacuum attracts dirt! Well, I attract my fair share of any group! However, it does not matter, when your mind is not strong enough, you cannot interact correctly with people, or hold your own in a relationship! I automatically withdraw and wont get near anyone.. I am getting better!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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