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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
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Sexually retarded; and other stuff

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:06 pm

I feel sexually retarded....

I have not had sex in a long long time. And I could careless because of the trouble associated with the human factor involved.

Ive been stuck with porno! Its Ok when your completely dissociative; now it seems a bit immature. I would rather have relationships.... Im somewhere in the middle on this thing. Im not healthy enough for relationships; Im still damaged...

Im afraid Im not big enough. One time, A women liked me! I had sex with her! I was not in the mood to be turned on! I could not really get things going! She told her friend the next day I was 2 small. That was my greatest fear. However, Ive had women before that and after, and they said I was fine... but that freaked me out. It freaked me out because I was not in control; I was out of control. This women could say anything she wanted; She never asked me why I was not in the mood. She was a control freak and I took it personally. I need to look at what happened there, and look at the kind of person I was with! Other girls never complained that I was to small. They seemed fine! so, Im frustrated and confused... Im not that big; but Ive gotten long with no trouble so far! Could it be the girls fault. It freaks a man out to hear that he is to small. Its the scariest words in the world to his self esteem; his worth.

Im afraid of being touched; it reminds me of sexual abuse; PTSD problems..

Much might be expected of me financially if I get into a relationships. I will be pulled back into the real world with all the drama and interaction.

My identity will be forced to be present. An identity bent out of shape; overload with PTSD problems from the past!

Someone will tell everyone my secrets. I will have no personal safety...

Im not sure what Im afraid of; I might get someone pregnant. That really scares me!

Inner fighting will aggravate my condition......

I will get left for another man!

I keep thinking its sexual size that is really bothering me!

Personal immaturity!

I have no interest in women, only in porn! No, this won't work! Thats not true, I grave them! I like them...

Im afraid of the arguing and fighting! My mind will be ran into the ground.

I can't take care of someones kids?

Im scared to death, I feel like a 10 year old.

Getting into relationships forces me to work on and get over my interest my past dealings with the sadistic sociopaths and what they did to me! And this takes me into a demented wold.

Im at that place of looking at the torture aspect of what was done to me! This is the dissociative disorder world.

And it was so hard; the family system is who tortured me; then where do I go for help when those who were suppose to help are the demonic monsters who are killing me. I became terrorized and frightened and insecure to death! I had no one and no where to go! I was in a human strait jacket; that is how it felt. I had no place to hide from the torture! It was relentless.

Sociopaths pull you away from civilization, pull out all ability to escape, then set you free , set you on fire, and hunt you down... They put you in a position of helplessness then kill you!
-----------------

So Im trying to forgive everyone, and look back at every time my mother or others have done things to me that I may feel. However, I end up dissociating... It is a very hard time right now...

I think Im on the right track. Ive been at meetings telling people how I hate every thing that has breathed because of the overloads of abuse that I have taken.

One important point; to remember what I was like before as a child. To remember when I felt free before I was destroyed. I need more of that personality in the mix. I must remember! and have that part of me brought back. That part of me was buried when I died! now Im wanting to return, to come fourth.

Im horribly mad that my free talents and life were consumed. I was destroyed, then unable to pursue my talents or free abilities. I was scared; scared out of self. And I feel this today by way of some of the similar types of people I associate with.

I felt like a person in a prison camp; a none human. I had to be controlled by others or felt control by others, and could not move; and Im still this way, I'm just starting this process to look at how I felt; who I am. I have to remember that it was not personal. I was caught and thrown into the meat grinder with this group of people and shoved through the mix. I was destroyed in this mix experience.

And Im sad that they got me and that I could not protect my precious life. It was taken from me and ruined and there was nothing I could do about it. And I do not know how to feel about this. Now Im attempting to come back to life.

Im trying to feel all of this!

First, I have to remember who I am and what they did to me! Then I can be free of them.

I have to let go of what I thought was real and right. Nothing of my childhood was real or right. These were sick sociopaths that mimic people. They groomed and set me up and destroyed me!

And I feel intimidated by them now as if they are in me controlling me. However, I know PTSD is a lie. yet, I have mass amounts of it; and one window after the other opens inside me! I never escape from the PTSD worlds.
--------------------

Many times I lost my rights and my life do to abuse or fright trauma... I was scared out of myself by bullies and others that were bigger or stronger or in control; I was scared to death. I was kept like a slave in many ways. I could not escape because I was not awake and to mentally sick. I was caught under the abusers hand... I was shamed and ruined... I never wanted to be apart of the human race again; apart of this human tragedy...

Its a tragedy to see how others ended up in their lives; People I loved or trusted. People that allowed me to be killed. And this broke me and broke my heart! It broke me at the seams of life. They turned out to be murderers and nothing more! and this scares me and is above and beyond me! and I can't wait to get past this by way of the truth and their death! meaning, they will die someone day and be in hell rotting. I have to see these murderers for who they were! and let go of them, realizing I was nothing and gained nothing by knowing them. Horrible despicable people.

No one knew me! or cared to know me! Then I was destroyed and buried under a rug! I guess the perpetrators thought they could get away with it because I was expendable. However, I must remember I meant nothing to everyone. It was not personal. Yet, I remember no one caring about me or what happened to me or was happening to me. No one cared where I went; if I came home. If I was alive or dead or raped; nothing. and no one cared about my development or my future; No one! I was completely alone! demoralized and thrown away!

Ive noticed that my voice did not exist and I did not count, but the perpetrators counted.

And now I want to wake up, so I do not keep attracting more people like the abusers that abused me. And I do attract more controller abusers like the abusers that abused me; and I do not like it or want it; Help!

It is demoralizing and horrible to admit that others kept me in intimidation. I was to afraid and intimidated to leave. and most of this was internal from PTSD problems. The PTSD problems were the intimidators. Now Im attempting to let go of both! and this is O so horrible and hard.

I have to sift through my life from the beginning and register when problems started to arise and look at how I handled those problems.

I need someone to hold me and love me! and they cooked me and destroyed me and dissolved my life into a thousand different needles... Each representing a broken person. I must remember; none of this was personal. Nothing was personal. I was broken and destroyed, none of it was personal. These were criminally based insane entities; demonic. they destroyed my life. Its O so hard to admit, but admitting allows me to cut the ropes and be free of them and move on.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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