April 2024
March 2024
What happened to me sexually.
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I remember fooling around with girls when I was 14; thats when it started. I didnt care much about it. I had a girl up the street I loved; but could not talk to her about it and was scared to death to get involved with her sexually; intimately; I rejected her when she tried to sit on my lap; thats because of how I felt about myself. Im now trying to do something about all of that and come together as a whole. I was split into 2 halves separated. And now Im working on bringing those 2 halves together.
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However, I was able to make out with women; girls at the time; I was 14-15-16. by the time Im 16 im chasing or going out with all the wrong girls when I could be going out with the right ones and im trying to do something about that right now. Its an odd situation; but maybe not for people with trauma problems like me.
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Sex; Well. One note; I was never going out with anyone that I related with; they were never nice people. Some were horribly traumatized and unable to function and it drove me crazy. But I was able to make out.
Had a girlfriend in college for 3 years; had sex; no problems. but she was horrible person. unbelievable nightmare.
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later; with no money or future; suddenly; sex had more power. meaning; I had no personal power and didnt want to just sleep with someone when I had nothing going on in my life. Sounds strange but I had no status; I was afraid I would be used; Dont know. Sounds weird....
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Sex meant nothing to me anymore. I didnt care about it or women. nothing. I wanted nothing to do with women because I felt I always had to be something I wasn't; It was ridiculous. it seemed that women only wanted a man that was inline with them having a baby; a man they would be comparable with having a baby... that was the biology. Im still not a man yet; not the kind their talking about. I know very few people; men like that; Lots of horrible men are like that. they have very little talents or sensitivities or anything else going for them. Rude narcissistic maybe. Alpha males looking for a trophy wife kind of thing. I dont know. Not me; never. never never never ever. never...... Way to smart for that.
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Felt afraid; Like giving sex away. Like; giving sex and getting nothing in return.
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Not sure what is going on here.
Im changing; dont know what it means yet. cant tell; getting a little stronger; more present but still not enough. Dont get it yet. Not established; dont get it yet. Dont know.
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Giving away some things to friends; nice stuff; but actually smart; giving it away; getting it out of my small apartment. moving it on. Nice stuff. train set; nice one. big rock crawler; Nice one. nice bike. expensive telescope. And expensive synth; all going; Goodbye; make room please; How nice. Ive got replacement stuff for it already. Ive gotten my use out it; Now I pass it down to their children and them; they are much younger then me; and can get some use out of it; How nice.
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So; that is good.
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Something is happening where I have to confess to women Ive hurt or ran away from; something about facing them; scares the day lights out of me. One person specifically scares me to death. It was just to much for me and I dont want to admit it. I thought she was 2 good for me. She intimidated me because I liked her and did not want to admit that the child in me was at the opposite of the man in me concerning my real feelings; The man was showing a face of confidence while the child was looking up to this women as being to much for me or to good for me. I had 2 people running the show. And could not sustain anything because I was not honest; Im not sure how the universe will resolve this stuff. I dont know; Im scared to death of women; I just am. scared to death because I think they are all 2 good for me. No one has a right to be happy with a women... meaning; Im not good enough to be happy with a women because it would bring me happiness; I dont have the right to be happy. . And their it is; and I can see the abuse from the past and who's doing it the brain washed me this way. So; its all so sad and the women ive been around dont care; they just move on; they could care less about my problems or why I am the way I am. but God will bring a situation where I will have to confront them.
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Im very confused about many things. I have to work with the universe on these things... Horrible; all of it. all of these things.
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The one girl from last year; that hurts; what a waist; or waistoid. But I have to remember where all of this is taking place and these people are some of the worst people; I mean; not all; I just mean; some of them are. I mean; sociopaths or predators; those are some of the people in these meetings with me and I forget this; Im trying to look at this place as a magical garden and we are all 6 years old and innocent and safe together; fraid not. anyway; I have allot to work on.
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I can see confronting people as something missing from my human vocabulary. Ill have to work with God on this... especially with women; but God will do things for me and start me out slow and start me out again; he Wont put me with hardened people that are Godless and that dont care about me. I dont have to confront those specific people; I can walk away from them. Its up to God. we will see; Ill keep working with God on it.
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Confronting women; its about confronting my childhood... And confronting when I would have learned to confront in a normal setting with people and never learned it; I was pulled away from that and destroyed....
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So; Things are changing; their getting closer; where I once as a child was open and had people to talk to and houses to go to and decent people to present myself to and grow with. Now; the universe is supplying me to open up again with new people; but I havent the clue who.
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We will see who they are. Could they be some of the women I knew from the meetings; maybe; maybe not; I dont know whats going on. I have no clue but I see where this is going. I just dont know who.... Its bringing up my full childhood tho in my neighborhood; that is tremendous if it can be pulled off; it means a kind of full restoration where Ive grown back into who I was; expressing myself from my neighborhood again... We will see but I see it coming.
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As for the girl that liked me from last year; Ive tried to get rid of her and her boyfriend from my conscious mind. Im having a damn hard time of it; I dont get it; Ive worked with God on it; its pissing me off; Im not sure why God is allowing it; I am demanding of God to get rid of it please so I can move forward and help me to be honest about it. Im still under their spell. Its not just one of them; its a kind of hate spell for revenge; and thats what they wanted... So; I got caught and I need to back out of that caged trap and be on my way the way I originally was intended. I dont get it; Im asking God for help to back me out of this trap thus on my way to a new destination. Dont get it; not done their I guess; I want to be; Im sick of this; please God; please move me along; why are you doing this to me. I want to move forward;. show me how to get out of this trap God≥
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Ill keep taking things to God until my ability to express myself opens up again; its wanting to.
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