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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Sexual disfunction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 09, 2018 6:09 pm

I had a startling experience; when I watch porn; I can lust! When I thought of this women I really like; I thought about her pole dancing; she is looking back at me! I then see myself up and close, Im looking at her pumps from and her ankles and Im massaging her legs; and I focus on this! and then it happened; suddenly, Im limp! I cant feel anything; just fear! suddenly, Im repressed and no sexuality; nothing! I need these visuals of a women I love; I need it! I need to visualize myself making love to her; being up close and touching her; touching her body! What is happening to me!
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Touching her body in my imagination means Im moving out of the protected fantasy world into the real world!
What I think about materializes! Thoughts become things ~
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I can feel the deeper feelings; My feelings and life are being repressed when I was between the ages of 9 to 13. Sexual abuse and control!
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Im feeling those free thoughts come back from before this time period; the really me; the me repressed; He is trying to come out in my visualizations! He wants to come back and is being blocked!
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The more I think about it; Im being blocked at times when Im watching porn; I want to get off on it; but Im blocked by someone else's conservative viewpoints that have been implanted me; their not mine!
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I have no problem with porn or anything else! I love sex and the idea of it; all of it; regardless of how crazy; I dont care!
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I want to visualize myself making love physically to this women; I mean; I really do! this is crazy!
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Ive got allot of work under my agenda; I must feel intimate! I must feel when Im visualizing intimacy; I must!
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I will continue to work on it!
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Why am I having these problems; My thoughts and expression are getting stronger as I get healthier; and my life wants to come back into reality and live! And Im starting to visualize living!
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Ive have to visualize Im kissing this women; I have to feel up close; my lips on hers; focusing on it in detail! and everything else; I must!
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I have break through this; see myself kissing her soft moist legs! Feel it, see my lips on her skin; focus on it!
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What I think about comes about! and now Im realizing; I can meet the right people if I can dream them up in my head; they will appear!
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The goal is positive aspects of everything; Think about what I want and add real positive to it; and watch it appear before me in the real world!
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So; its stunning and shocking to not feel anything when Im thinking about making love to a women I like; it means I can not apply any manhood to women; any masculinity! and I have to; this means, me coming back into life in full force!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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