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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1134)
- January 2021
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Sexual addiction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:19 am

I haven't blogged to much on sex.. I haven't had the need.. my sexual self is fine.. Meaning its my business, not yours.. Nor will it ever be yours.. However, tonight I talk about it because it is effecting my outside life... and first I talk about the social life ....

A strange thing I just mentioned. " an outside life"..... My alters are speaking up wanting to use the word "we"//// "We have a social life"
I am learning and developing very slowly in the outside.. Outside my apartment... Im sticking.. meaning, Im staying longer on the outside.. I get into trouble, I stay outside and fix the trouble.. I don't run home... Im getting slowly stronger.. the price is absolutely brutal. I would hope others would not have to be humiliated the way I am... The humiliation is helping me to snap up and wake up... The humiliation occurs when I do not construct boundaries against stupid people. I need halting behavior; either to stop them or to stop their behavior or to run...

Im noticing allot of guilt and shame stuff thrown at me over and over and over.. Passive aggressive stuff. ALso, boundary breaking.. hidden hatred loathing and disgust...

People do not understand me.. They don't need to.. They never will. Regular people cop attitudes and judgments about people when they meet them.. Im afraid I was hated from the beginning.. I have to trust God.. As I get stronger, I take more chances. I like to flip it back! and flip my mouth off to people concerning what I really believe. Ive noticed that the arrogant hate for me seeps through the false smiles and laughter.. It is rough, and I will keep taking it as long as I can... I am slowly remembering and waking up...
This idea is that I win.. my status becomes complete and I then move on.. Many of the people around me sense this is what Im doing and attempt to block me... They will not allow me to win. What they do not understand: I win by showing up and getting the experience. Its not about them blocking me. However, Creepo blockers also like to create deep seated resentments, resentments that push me back into there direction for a fight.. I am learning to feel that deep fire and let it go. However, I return again and again for me, that I build up. It is Gods orders and it is painful and humiliating and it is working.. The sward must be put into the fire if it is to be hardened.

At some-point when I am strong enough I will let go.. As the people will never let me be. They will continue to destroy out of jealously and hate..

Im afraid these people to don't have a clue about me... nothing... These are average people. Normal, OK people. a bit on the resentment against life phase; not all. Just your average people.

I feel for all the children that will die from PTSD and other problems of giving up... Im so sorry. This community Im in could kill 10,000 just by maintaining there ignorance... Murder is murder; there is no excuse...

Sexual addiction:

Even the therapists didn't mind... They understood I could not get close to any people. All that someone in my condition had was porno... Not abnormal.. Is it sexual addiction.. Hmm, sort off. It is brought about by the inability to have intimacy and the dissociative state...

lately, Ive been around more and more women at a closer proximity, and strange things are happening..

First, the desire for some of them is spilling through... My interest in them, my want of them.. My sexual depravity for them... Well, thats not true.. Its more a need for love.. Im not used to being so close and present. I am not used to the feelings coming out of me for these beautiful young women. Im not used to being close to them. Its shocking me a bit. First thing that came to mind is Im seeing them sexually and it shows, and that shocked me. I thought to myself; I have to control this, get used to not showing these feelings when around people. The sexual addiction triggers are turning on. Im not used to it in the real world. Im not used to working it in the real world.

My goal is to get close to people; this wont happen if I have sex written all over me.. the want of sexual relations,. or the neediness of lust propelled at someone. Im going to have to get used to these feelings and circumvent them.

Sexual feelings are not what Im seeking to bring out in a conversation on an open porch at a social gathering. I will attempt to understand what my goal is.

It is quit shocking to see women as sex at the wrong moments... Im used to looking at a computer screen. I don't think my eyes could tell the difference from the computer world Im used to, or the real world I have not been involved in. Adjustments are coming..

As for sex with women. Im not worried about that or interested in it at this time. That will come when I have an intimate relationship with them...

First I have to learn to get closer, ask questions, make them laugh, pay attention to them.. I have a whole world of interaction of basic "give and take" to work on. I have to get used to rejection before I do anything with anyone...

As for social; At some point I will have to leave the situations Im in. Im not appreciated by anyone for anything ... Im being played as a negative scape goat. Its abusive and I need to work with God on this.. Very dangerous stuff....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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