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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Sex with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:02 am

Sex with women; Good God their problems here. Unbelievable.
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Im trying to visualize making love to a women,. Im trying to visualize 2 women making love to each other; thats a better fantasy.

Im seeing myself in 6th grade where I was having fantasies about making love to my mother. Or attraction... At first. I think it left several months later; grow out of it... move on; I was innocent kid... I think its normal.. it is; to feel things for the opposite sex at first. The problem is; I dont want to see those things now. its like flashbacks...
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Im seeing later when Im being molested when I had to move back in with relatives.
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One of the things Im not seeing; Im slowly forcing the visual to go really really slow and actually see my hands and body be intimate with another womens...
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Everything is a damn flashback. Im getting hit with a hundred of them trying to stop my visualization of sex with women... Its like a Taboo thing; Im seeing when im sexually abused; its as if I did not ask the abuser if it was Ok for me to visualize sex with women; I have to ask permission because they own my body... So; I have allot of this kind of thing to break out of.
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My God; Ive got problems with physical intimacy with women; its unbelievable; anything with women. its horrid fear feelings of someone else's beliefs; not mine; its like I have undermining beliefs. Im life; Damn this sucks! I want my life back; Who the hell is owning me; Ive had enough of this... Its like Dr jekyll Mr Hyde. One part wants women and sex; the other part is the sexually abused person who only takes orders from the abusers and they have not given any permission to like women yet or any other feelings about sex; its taboo; im suppose to act or feel like im 6 years old and controlled; even tho I was twice that age when I was forced to go through it.
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Anyway. Damn; This thing with women; its just ######6 unbelievable; Hatred? Concern? Safely? Hatred? Contempt for my mother"; blaming my mother for putting me in this situation in the first place; to be destroyed.
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Not feeling attractive for any women; not feeling im good enough; not feeling worth anything with women; nothing; Thats closer. Fear concerning all women.
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I know I want this to stop; I mean; Im a grown man; This is ######6 insane; I ######6 hate it!
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I dont want to have fears dealing with women. Im working through this and trying to accept it... OKE; Ive got these massive fears and blockades and other defense fortresses dealing with women. Im afraid; could be my ego; Im not who I think I am; Im afraid ill go out into the world and it will be true; im nothing to women and I dont want to face that; I dont want to be laughed at again; I dont want to go through this anymore; I dont want to tolerate any more of this sickening attitudes from them.... Thats part of it; part of the anger. fair enough; When will I get over it. what will it take to get over this.. To face this stuff.
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One area of real concern is treachery and betrayal. I want to go out with someone who needs me and wants me; but I dont want them changing their mind on me and humiliating me. Ive been humiliated to many times when very young; over n over n over destroyed. I dont want someone like that around me .
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OKe; SO; Ive got allot to work on;. Its as if I cant work on it or get over it; thats the problem; Im trying to get over it; work on it at the core; but I cant seem to get at the core of it; its in the core of my beliefs.... I cant trust them anymore; non of them. its that simple. Im tried of being betrayed. It just goes on n on n on....
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If I go out with someone of a higher self esteem; they dont need me.. .They can get rid of me with a snap of the wrist; why would I go out with them... why bother.
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I dont know how to get rid of this pain. I dont know. Its in me like a steal wall...
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I can hardly visualize making love to a women.. I cant. I dont know what happen... I mean; I do but I dont understand why im so affected by it.
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Why such problems with women; why! Thats whats got me bugged.
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Not having the guts to ask someone out? learning to deal with rejection; Thats the big one. Thats where the pain is; thats what Ive got to practice and learn.
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When it comes to women; I approach them like the owe me something instead of me taking a chance with them because I like them; im out to prove something. So; its the hurt person in me; the angry person reaching out to slam every women I meet? take out my anger; lash out against them..... yes? Maybe; not physically; not verbally. Whats left... I dont know. I just dont know.
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My mother; thats what it comes down to; Grandmother mother, best friend mother; witches; unbelievable. I was nothing to them... any of them. And maybe thats the BRAINWASHING I received.
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I just saw a picture of the problem; From those women I just mentioned and others; BRAINWASHING of my worth; or lack of worth to these women; Their it is; Ive of no worth to many women that I liked or wanted to count on; I meant nothing to them.... And I dont know why;' or understand why. Accept being a grown man; Im seeing they were manipulative; thats why. worthless. hating on them wont do me any good just makes me a hater. So; loving the right people; the right women? This has to do with God...
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Im getting somewhere I guess... I dont know. Im lost in all this. I have no idea what Im doing or who to date.
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I feel less able to get a date now then ever......
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I feel like I cant trust the lower level women that have liked me because they are not faithful. And I cant trust the higher level cultural women because they dont need to be faithful to me...
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Its this one strain of connections from birth; its a long long line of hate and intolerance. I see someone getting into my personal space and sexual life and boundaries and my core and messing it up; I see my Grandfather and my mother.... So; this tell me something. I can feel the numbness.... I can feel the fear. the horror and hatred.
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Im just kind of sitting here with all these problems with women; freezing up around the wrong ones; not pushing through but being a victim.
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I have all these problems with women but Im stable while talking about them; I just cant get near them; any of them. Doesn't mean I dont want them; but so fare; non of them have wanted the true real me... And thats the part that was sexually abused and no body wants me... And I didnt do anything wrong....
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A gap resides between me and women; its sexual abuse gap; I also see myself as a small child at Christmas getting presents; so I turn into a child when around women... Im not myself... Well; that child is myself. I dont know!
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However; Im already getting better.
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A problem has arisen; The main problem is starting too surface; what part of me is making decisions.
I now have 2 distinct sets of beliefs and personalities running things; not to be confused with dissociate disorder personalities; Those were split off and mostly integrated... This is different. This is also a part of dissociative disorder or BPD....
I have my personality; the host. And I have the sexually abused child that is under he control of abusers... He is still captive in my nervous system; still feels the wait of what he was brainwashed with.
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So; one part of me; the part still under the control of the abusers lives by their rules; and those rules are; anything the abusers want and see as important or not important; I see as important or not important. If their favorite color is red; then my favorite color is red; and if I dont; I get abandoned and that means death to a child; or to me when young. I had already been abandon... So; they broke me into nothing; trampled all my boundaries; forced their way into my core areas... I was Ran over lets say..
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So; what if I like a women; and I want to go after her; I mean; fight to get her. Thats the real me making the decision. However, the abused me says; " no; he abusers would not like that; they dont want me having anything more then they have. I must do what they tell me to do; and that means I get less then they get no matter what; I dont get close to what they get; they get to be Gods or Kings; I get nothing... And so; no women for me; Its wrong to have her because I would be giving my allegiance away to someone else and to those abusers... I dont deserve anything and I must ask them permission on anything that I want to do.
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The real me; the host; ME; I dont have to go by anyones rules accept my own... and my rules are not the abused person within me. Its a from of dissociative disorder it seems more BPD...
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The point is; the real me is starting to take over and the real me is the one that is ran by God and wants to take chances and have fun... He the one that wants to ask out women even tho its emotionally risky and doesn't make much sense... meaning; The sexually abused person sees red flags; but " I" might do it anyway and I dont see red flags.... DR jekyll Mr Hyde. But thats Ok; Im learning that the confident me that makes decisions for what I want is nothing like the abusers or the child in me that was abused by them and kept in check.... Im totally different and dont need massive checks of red flags to make sure someone is safe or not; I mean; I make a choice to go out with them or not; and give it a try and see what happens... Thats up to me; not up to channeling that information or choices to abusers... When I dont feel I have to channel that information to anyone I just make my own decision; I dont care what other people think. Could care less; I mean; thats where Im headed. It's not easy; The sexual abused person in me has almost as much power as I do to run me and takes over at the last minute before I make a decision; So; I must get stronger then him and roll through with my decisions... And that work; to become stronger and healed in this area; that is the work... Im not their yet; I dissociate...
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Lets say a girl said I meant nothing to her. the broken me would fall to shambles and be crushed; the sexual abused person. I would never associate with that girl again ever of course. But the real me; "ME"; I would go back to her and love on her because I knew she used to like me before; so my love for her is not going to get swayed by what she says; Ill show up anyway loving her and Ill show up and love her and see what happens.... And thats the difference.
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The "I" has to take chances because I know what I want and want to love; not letting anything or anyone stop me. Thats where the work is; getting back that confident person..
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Asking that girl out anyway; that " Anyway"; thats what Im looking for; that instant of confidence... where Im healed and no indecision.
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Im not their yet; that breakage of self; split down the middle was happening from the beginning and got worse over time. Its a real shame what they did to me or put me through; I was discarded of no importance or value; completely thrown away... as if I didnt exist... I cant describe this; what they did to me.
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So; The goal is to get the real me back; healed up a bit and then rise; rise in frequency back to what I wanted to become when I was younger... That is the goal; not easy.. I remember when I tried to stand up for myself; I was destroyed; so it take a bit of courage but more important I have to be healed up... I have to do the work; God will show me the work that must be done.
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meeting new people without being a victim where they owe me something. That is the change Im looking for... It will take time; I will have to feel safe again. And work with God on this.
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I have to loose weight... so hard right now.
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One major problem I have to work with the universe; im suppose to be out of those meetings and manifesting a new life; So; I have to learn to let go of whats in those meetings and work with God on a new life. A part of me wont let go; the abused child part; He tries to take over completely. And Im fighting it completely because I want a new life and I know I can be present to built the confidence to be part of what ever I want to be part of.... Its up to me; its my future....
Lots of massive PTSD and dissociation and other personalities trying to shut me down; Its crazy.... its like having a bully inside my mind. Cant explain it... wont give in or up... have to keep fighting to stay present; this is ridiculous; and once I stay present; the other personalities then throw sorrow or fear when present to ruin my ability too see it positively; its crazy.. I get hit with so many flash backs of bad times; horrible and shame from the abused chid is giving me for stepping out with my own life and thinking for myself. I will get their because the gig is up; I see through this now. The key is new thoughts; its like Im being attacked literally by someone else. Crazy.
Im getting it; crazy.... This will take work
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Feb 14, 2021 7:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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