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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1033
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (915)
- June 2019
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
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Talents and development
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Money and women
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women and shame
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Music creating; blocked
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Im getting very close
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Its hard when you were never loved.
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Things are changing
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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
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Social isolation; social uphill climb
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Feeling better inside
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An interest in the arts
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intimacy 2
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Identity overwhelmed
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re changing the present
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Working out of it; the struggle continues
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A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
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Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
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bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 08, 2016 10:13 pm

Sex is the next big question; their seems to be mass problems with this subject!

First, the innocent child part of me does not want anything to do with sex! He wants to make friends with people and have his life back!

The adult in me wants to f-ck every single women I think is cute! I want them in my bed!

Ive noticed something! Ill try manifestation of women in my bed! Im going to visualize seeing women in my bed! I look down and a women is in my bed!

So, far, this has been a difficult task! And Im not sure why! I don't think Im worth anything at the physical level! Possibly! I don't think Im to much for anyone! I have nothing to offer! Im better then to be a whore! Im not sure!

Ive noticed; its painful to visualize a women in my bed! I would say, lots of fear! And lots of loathing to have someone who has bad mouthed my good name; to have them in my bed!

Ive had allot of women cut me down! Or try to! Makes it hard to want them in my bed! To work through the trust problems associated with women!

The biggest problem with women is; expectations!

I want sex! Then I notice; they want a new daddy for their child or three from their last deforce!

Im not interested in hooking up with them! I just want sex!

Do I want sex? Im supposed to want sex; Im a man! Something isn't right!

Its fear and pain to visualize a women in my bed! Theirs allot of pain; Im seeing the word ridicule! Ive been ridiculed to many times by women! I did nothing to them! Possibly, they were the wrong women to associate with!

From beginning to end or starting with the women in my bed and looking back! It seems impossible to visualize! But it is possible; and just as easy as anything else I pic; however, Im finding myself dissociating! I dissociate when I visualize a women in my bed; and Im thinking about my first love! And the tragedy of it! All of it, and the fear and loathing and hatred of many things!

My point is; I cant visualize the whole experiences of meeting a women, talking to her, bringing her back to my apartment and sleeping with her! I would like to visualize this in first person POV! Practice this in my head first; Like athletes mentally practice before they go into the Olympics!

Something is blocking my private life! It is art! And the family system I came from that is no more! Or my ability to continue to forgive and move on!

I lost all money associated with this family system! I was not apart of it! And Im in the middle; and need to move to one side! I was locked out of any money; because the psychopath had the money! I was swindled out of land on all sides! I was thrown away! And this is the act of a psychopath! This is what they do! They hate human beings! They hate anyone who is a real human!

On one side of things; Im grateful because I know they were never like me! I was a stranger; thank God! I was with God! And they were not; and they are not me or any of my business! And never were!~ they were never like me or knew me or cared! And they ripped of the family system for all its land and money! I saw none of it! And I must keep forgiving until they are no more within my mind or heart!
I was thrown away young! It was much worse then a despicable act; it was genocide; social genocide of a child! It's an act of murder! And those responsible were psychopaths! I still have Stockholm! Syndrome! Im working on this!

And other problems!

The family system problem has to come out of my memories or mind! I have memories of these clowns! I must see them for what they really were! I was around ruthless scumbags my whole life who were unsafe and I never knew it! And it pisses me off! Now Im alone! I was thrown away! And Im trying to come to grips with all of this!

Im slowly waking up and getting better! Hopefully God can supply real people for me to be around!

I had a false father; he is a sociopath! He acted like a carrying father for a few years when I was about 4 to 8 years old! It was all a lie! He was paying for nothing! He was simply this stranger who was allowed around a bunch of kids for free! Someone else always payed the bill! He payed nothing! He just played the roll because someone else was paying for it! It makes me sick that I ever met this freak and that this scum bag ever touched me for any reason! Or that I went with him any places! I was completely lied to; exploited! This vermin had no others to go places with! So he used innocent children! He used everyone!

All of this is so horrible! I must keep writing and working on all of it!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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