Something is being blocked; I've not had sex in years and years; and I dont care. I dont want to have sex with the wrong person. I dont want sex and then they leave and Im all alone with the only choice to have more sex. I want someone worthy of a relationship; thats my problem; and I hate having them have that power over me.
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Having sex with someone I like is scary. Im scared of someone that likes me; I dont feel worthy but more; I feel they are not for real and will leave me and its all a game so I never get involved.; but someone that truly liked me would see through that and get involved anyway; but they haven't.
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Im not around people that like me; healthy people; I hate that word. But Im not around normal people I guess. I dont trust anyone. Im trying to work with the universe to be around trustworthy people.
Having sex with a women I value is a hard thing. Im scared for many reasons. Im not big enough; that really scares me; image.
I think I have an image with a women and I have to keep that image up; keep it high; keep up the image... if it falls down and Im not who I thought I am; Im crushed. I hope I can let this go and learn to be myself. This will horribly hard; because if Im myself around a women and she rejects me; then what; that will murder me.
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Not feeling worthy or good enough; fragile. However, I can practice around women; its hard; but I can start to do it;. I mean; I want women; so I might as well hang out with women and get to know them and practice around them; meet them and do things with them and be friends with them. So; by writing Im at least getting somewhere; but ive done all that. So; Im not sure socially what to do. I hate more then anything else; hanging out with the wrong people. And I dont have allot of money.
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Image seems to be a big deal. Im trying to keep this image instead of just be myself. But I dont feel safe around anyone. And I dont know anyone and I dont know where to go and never have. Im a decent person but that has not helped me in this society.
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Ill work with God on all this stuff. Im looking for answers.
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As for sex. I guess I hate the idea of having sex with someone and they leave and I still have no intimacy in my life or intimate relationships. I feel like ive gotten as Far as a tv screen and thats it.
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I have met women;' but they are sociopaths; The key is to meet women in places where they are not sociopaths. Ive met hot women; but their married; which of course does me no good. I mean; they know other women.
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Ok; Lets go with that scenario; I know women who know other women; me getting hooked up with someones friend. Am I ready for this. No; I hate it and I'm scared to death because I hate having to be thrown out their into nothing with a stranger.... But I may have to go through allot of this stuff to find my wife; so; Ill pray about it and start visualizing what I have to do and all the work it entails