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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Sex

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 22, 2016 9:54 pm

Sex;
Sex is a big big issue! I didn't realize it was such a big issue! I was talking about relationships in a meeting! I was talking about how I choose who I want to go out with! I go out with someone because I actually like the person, not because I think their good looking and everyone else will accept me! Ive made steady progress in this area! However, I brought up sex! and then I sat their in front of all these people and shut down; " now what do I do"!

Sex; So, as I was attempting to talk about sex; I froze up because I was lying! No matter what I brought up about it, I was in denial about it! It did not matter what direction I went into, I was lying about it! and then it hit me! I was talking like a 12 year old with his 12 year old friends that had not been at a point of having girlfriends yet! and thats how it sounded! I am someone that missed a whole lot of life! and sex is part of it! I mean, I never really developed with women! I never developed girlfriends! I never developed! and it came out! but it felt good a half hour later! I felt relieved! I also felt excited and squarely! its an important subject!

I attempted to tell the people at the meeting that all guys like sex from women! and thats when it stopped! I choked! I did not know what I was saying or doing or what direction to go! I had gotten myself in way over my head! I started with the wrong subject in the wrong way! but it was so important! or impotent to me! it had a healing property to it!

Sex is definitely an issue that has kept me from relationships; how?! I can see the blocks! I see the people that sexually abused me; I see them in my head! and I can feel the obsessive compulsive engine starting up from fear! I can feel the anxiety start up! I see their faces! And I can feel those walls going up around me! and those walls that never came down! So, its a big deal of shame and guilt and loathing and not feeling worthy!

So; sex is another area I have to work on! Its a big issue! someone else had control of me! thats a big big issue! and I don't feel free; I feel dirty and disgusting and worthless! and its having a big big effect! I feel like Im not really wanted sexually by anyone; meaning women, or I reject my own sexuality! and so, why would someone else really want me! Why would someone want me sexually ! I was thrown away and used! why would anyone want me! I was used sexually, why would anyone want me! why! Im no good; used and no good, thrown out! why would anyone want me! I was used goods! so, now I have to deal with this! and many memories are coming up! coming up short! meaning, Im not hitting the deeper stuff!

It feels like bullies should bully me; Im not good and they are proving what I believed or what was shown me when younger! Im not good, I was used sexually so anyone should have the right to rent me any way they want to! Bullies should have the right to destroy me; other people did! why not them! And I see the sexual end of it! the sexuality plays a roll in all this! the sexual abuse places a big roll of how I defend myself or feel about myself! how do I feel about myself! I feel I allowed other people to take advantage of me without fighting back! I couldn't fight back, I was 2 small and scarred! I had no one on my side! So I took the pain! what else could i do! but I feel worthless, mousy because of it! what am I going to do!

What am I going to do; I could do nothing! their was no one to tell, I was to scared! and I had no place to live and no parents anymore and no one who cared about me! my life was ruined and no one cared! I was given away when I was 10 years old! its sickening! and its sickening what they did to me! And no one help after this! I stayed at this neglect level for the remainder of my life! no one cared!

Sex plays a big part in this part of my history, and it effects my abilities round women! I feel less then, and less then a man! I feel hopeless and angry and confused and retarded! I feel I have a massive blind spot of mental fantasty taking the place of something real that never happened! meaning, I have a fantasy in the place of abuse! I was suppose to have a real experience with real people my age! but that never developed! I never developed socially after this! possibly I was never more then a 6 year old inside! Thats closer to the truth!

Sex; I have allot of writing to do on sex! I don't feel adequate as a man! sex is a huge deal! it effects my whole manhood! How I see myself around others! Talking about it causes me to dissociate! its horrible! Im trying to hang in there!

No man development; no father developing me! I never made it past 8 or 9 years old in development!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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