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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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sex and its sections!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:11 pm

This is a hard subject! Im about to go into the varied areas of loss within my relationship life! and undo them!

Breaking through this women issue I have; this could be complete freedom! As, this suggests a breakthrough from the abuse I was destroyed in around the age of 10!

Being able to feel free around women is a kind of physical freedom! you can set of on your own and be around women and be free! I don't know how to explain it! it means your on your own! your able to ask women out; if they don't want to; thats OK! no lose! just meet more women! but you don't have to go home and complain to anyone about it! You can walk up and meet your own girlfriends! you don't have to ask anyone permission or people please anyone else! your free to roam and make friends! Its an independent state of mind! The ability to respond and owe no one concerning it or ask someones permission to respond in a way that best suites you!

Why is it hard! It seems that when I unlock this and am able to be around women in a close fashion again! Some how I loose the past! and that is most scary for me!

One area of interest! In order to be physically close with a women; I must be present! This means Im not in the past!

I have dissociative disorder; but its much better now; not gone!

This condition makes it hard to physically get near women! Sit with them, talk with them, make out with them! very hard; all of it!

First; approach! I approach women! but many of them I don't approach! I shut down my feelings of wanting them! Its as if I want them now; I want them in my bed when Im safely in my bedroom! butt when Im around them or see them; my feelings for them shut down! Do I want to sleep with them; yes! do I feel it when around them; no! Ill shut those feelings down and not go near them!

When I see them; the women; I ignore them or want go up and talk to them! Im slowly changing this! but the confidence is not their! and its as if ive never talked to a women before! Lots of fear!

Massive fear! and its this fear I want to talk about today!

The goal is to get my independent life back; and that includes not being afraid of being around women! I truly believe the fear I feel is from my mother the psychopath! its as simple as this! its a deep horrible fear! and my nervous system does not want women around it! It is trying to stay safe!

I notice around women I go passive as if they are in charge! I go small and they tower over me! This is about my mother! and its something I have to relearn not to do around women! I have many things of this nature to work on; Im over messed up in these areas dealing with women!

A few areas are serious; deeper problems then others! I have dissociative areas in my personality that are much more sensitive to attack by women! These areas tend to cause problems with women

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PTSD and sex from the past! Many problems exist because of sexual things from the past being in my mind, in the present! This is a big problem! I was undermined most of my life by the people that others would have love from! before I could protect myself! I was taken advantage of!

Sex reminds me of other ages! its of the past! this is a big problem! ITs a problem remembering the past! The sexual part is not the problem! meaning, say, from teenage years! its all the other memories of those times that tag along with the sex memories when I attempt to remember something! Im bombard with horror; more n more horror!

I was not in charge of my own life in the past! and Im not in charge of my life now! That is why Im attempting to break it! break the present limiting beliefs and create a new world for myself within my imagination! Then go find it!
=================================

The present is a hard thing; I will tell myself; Go get in the car and go to the mountains and take a break! but I have no car!

Go get your mountain bike and take it to new trails! I have no car!

Go play drums! I have no music studio or private space in the present!

Go write music; I have no private space to work in, within the present, in this moment!

Go be a singer song writer; I have no private space within this moment!

A music studio or private art space is something Im creating in my imagination right now for the future!

So, get a girlfriend! Almost their! the first thing I must work on is learning how to feel comfortable telling someone about my strange life and background until it does not bother me anymore! I must practice first! for in the past, this prohibited me from associating with anyone! it has a great psychological effect upon me! it can be done! Im working on it!

This martyr thing; Im doomed, the world owes me; everything is horrible or hell on earth! These are not my statements! this stuff was crammed down my throat! I never saw the world this way or life! I have allot of work to do!

=========================================================

Sex;

Sex or interaction with others brings a dissociate part of me to the present; and this scares me!

Sex reminds me of other times Ive had sex! this could be times of teenage years or actual sexual abuse or sex with people I did not like! I felt forced to associate with them because I was lonely!

Being touched physically reminds me of ages 11 to 13; I was sexually harassed and abused by a man! it was horrible that he could touch me or harass me on a daily basis! I was only 11 years old! sicking! traumatizing! It was like I was owned! and had to put up with the fear of someone touching me all the time publicly! it causes great psychological problems! still does! have to keep talking about this!

Sex; I was rejected by a women for being 2 small! Im actually not 2 small! Im normal sized; but I had eat'n to much before having sex with her and could not really get it up! Later she told all her friends that I was small! This type of thing did not help!

One of the major problems is; sex is touch! and I have dissociative disorder and could not get near anyone! For someone to physically touch me consistently in a sexual situation; this would require a therapist for sexual problems! In my case; I would have to be relearned how to get used to being touched! Now; how am I suppose to be a guy and explain this to some women I just met! I would like these problems taken care of before this!

So; I have my hands full!

===========================

making out!

In order to make out! I must meet someone; get to know them; sit down with them! and put some moves on them; slowly! what goes through my mind!

1. This person has no idea who they are getting involved with! not a problem if they are trained to deal with my problems!
2. sexual touch disfunction!
3. PTSD; Long term! this is bad in me! its big! long term, all the time! does not hurt like it used to; but it takes over a large amount of my brain!
4. You feel like damage goods!
5. Ive been sexually abused! so touch brings up horror! and many other things! things that were done against my will!
6. anyone that gets close, I go into shock mode or child like helpless position! Im in freeze mode and cant move
7. massive insecurities and maturities! I will start laughing or start shaking from fear when Im being touched or kissed! bashful; like an 8 year old! I don't want anyone to know this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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